What a terrible Broadway season, right?! Honestly! In previous years, I was able to quickly come up with a cute alcohol infused title for these drinking games based off of one of the season’s shows like Drinky Boots or Come From Awaysted. What am I supposed to call it this year? SpongeBob DrunkPants? MartEANi Girls? Escape to Margaritaville? I already did Frozen Margaritas for the 2014 Oscars! This is why this season sucks. And not because that’s what I keep reading online from people who have somehow forgotten 2012 when shit was so dire a cruise ship performed on the Tonys and the only original score was the songs in Newsies you forget about.
Now, I know that last part may have sounded harsh (because Leap of Faith was also a thing that season) but I am allowed to say whatever I want because I am an anonymous person on the Internet that everyone has forgotten revealed its identity in 2015. No joke, I was talking to someone the other day about Annoying Actor Friend and they said: “Oh, I remember that.”
Whatever you may think about this season, I want you to picture a day when you’re ten years older and a bunch of fresh-faced recently graduated seniors pop-up like the crabgrass of Broadway and tell you that the 2018 season is what got them into theatre. Because it’s going to happen. Talk to anyone over 35 who thought Legally Blonde was “just okay.”
SO! Grab your favorite drink(s) for what is bound to be a truly phenomenal Tony Awards filled with exciting production numbers and fabulous hosts who haven’t attempted statutory rape and pour one out for the YouTube video of the 2017 telecast, because it’s time to get Ka-DRINK-a LenkED!
You might remember some of these rules from previous years and I’m not even ashamed to recycle them or the following joke because drinking games aren’t born, they’re made.
As per usual, all rules apply to what is happening on screen, through social media, or wherever you are viewing it.. Unless otherwise specified, drink when:
- You hear the words: “live theatre”
- You roll your eyes.
- A moment is so awkward, your butthole literally clenches.
- Someone is nominated for a Tony award for only writing one song.
- Tony Shalhoub shows up.
- A producer of an un-nominated show buys airtime.
- Andrew Garfield speaks just a touch longer than anyone else.
- The sound doesn’t work (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
- There is a technical issue (again, drink cautiously because the stage is big).
- You remember that for some reason Camille A. Brown is not nominated. (drink a bottle)
- CBS celebrity!
- Who is that CBS celebrity I don’t watch CBS!
- You see a person in the Mean Girls performance who went to Michigan. (drink water for this one)
- Someone tweets something and then deletes it.
- A sold out show comes back to perform to remind you that you can’t get tickets for it.
- Bruce Springsteen makes another billion dollars.
- Someone proudly and bravely posts on social media that they don’t know anything about Harry Potter.
- A Tony nominated costume designer recycles Gigi can-can dresses that appeared on the 2015 Tonys.
- Someone spells it “Tony’s.”
- LAURIE METCALF.
- Someone acts like The Band’s Visit wasn’t also based on a movie.
- You remember again that for some reason Camille A. Brown is not nominated. (drink another bottle)
- Anyone uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form. That includes ironically.
- Something happens with the plays.
- CBS makes a musical censor some of their lyrics even though they let Charlie Sheen exist on their network for ten years.
- There is an inappropriate close up during a large production number.
- Frozen is a thing.
- You blackout when you remember that for some reason Camille A. Brown is not nominated.
- Sara Bareilles mentions Waitress.
- Josh Groban mentions The Great Comet. (pour one out)
- A show wins best musical for including a rap number where a white dude is backed up by four people of color.
- LUNCH TRAYS!
- You see someone you know on stage.
- You get bitterly jealous of said person.
- You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there (drink at your own risk).
Remember to always drink cautiously, but unapologetically.