In January, I tweeted about seeing Waitress for the second time in thirty days and someone responded: “Oh wow, people who live in New York can just casually go to a Broadway show whenever they want.” This struck a chord with me because it’s been a minute since I lived (like most of the people in the world) without the privilege of access to a Broadway show. So, as an experiment, I decided to spend the rest of the season getting back in touch with the days before I lived in New York by not seeing any theatre in 2019 and not because NOBODY I KNOW OFFERED ME COMPS.
That’s not to say I didn’t want to see any theatre this year (I would drop mad cash to watch the puppet from King Kong do the entirety of Mike Birbiglia’s The New One), I just found myself in circumstances where theatre didn’t want me to see it. But thanks to Broadway Internet, I feel like I have a pretty good idea what this season was all about:
1.) It’s amazing compared to last season, which was dragged by the Tonys because there were three commercial titles nominated for best musical, but this season only has three. 2.) Nobody has bothered or cared to learn that the “Tall Man/Boy” in Hadestown has a name and it’s Timothy Hughes. 3.) Billy Porter is about to EGOT in red carpet.
All caught up!
SO! Grab your favorite drink(s) and toast the Tony administration committee for awarding the great Marin Mazzie with a posthumous Tony Award and then pour one out for all of us because tonight is also the season premiere of Big Little Lies; it’s time to get SHA-WASTIES-Town!
You might remember some of these rules from previous years and I’m not even ashamed to recycle them or the following joke for the third year in a row because drinking games aren’t born, they’re made. (Look, there’s a lot of support for white male mediocrity on Broadway and this drinking game is no exception.)
As per usual, all rules apply to what is happening on screen, through social media, or wherever you are viewing it… Unless otherwise specified, DRINK WHEN:
- You hear the words: “live theatre” or “community”
- The sound doesn’t work (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
- There is a technical issue (again, drink cautiously because the stage is big).
- Celia Keenan-Bolger finally wins a Tony Award for playing a child.
- CBS celebrity!
- Who is that CBS celebrity I don’t watch CBS!
- You somehow get into a Twitter fight with a fan of Be More Chill.
- LAURIE METCALF.
- Anyone uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form. That includes ironically.
- Tootsie starts to feel like a show that thinks the T in LGBT stands for Tootsie.
- You remember that thank god Camille A. Brown is nominated this year.
- Something happens with the plays.
- You roll your eyes.
- James Corden makes us watch carpool karaoke for six minutes and then acceptance speeches get cut off early.
- A producer of an un-nominated show buys air time.
- You remember that The Boys in the Band was this season.
- You remember that Frankie and Johnny is next season.
- There is a show about theatre celebrating theatre.
- Someone tweets something and then deletes it.
- Someone spells it “Tony’s.”
- The Prom performs a dance number from Mean Girls.
- You zone out during a speech and randomly remember how awesome Michelle Williams was in Fosse/Verdon.
- A male choreographer misunderstands what is appropriate to make a woman do in heels.
- THE TEMPTATIONS!
- Someone not in The Cher Show does a bad Cher impression as a bit.
- You’re a person who says “This Oklahoma! fucks” even though it’s still a musical with a title that ends in an exclamation point.
- There is an inappropriate close-up during a large production number.
- Bonnie Milligan appears in a montage and the audience cheers louder than it has the entire night.
- You see someone you know on stage.
- You get bitterly jealous of said person.
- You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there (drink at your own risk).
- Hadestown loses to Green Book.
Remember to always drink cautiously, but unapologetically.