Category: Drinking Games

COME FROM AWAYSTED: Annoying Actor Friend’s 2017 Tony Awards Drinking Game

What an incredible Broadway season, right?! We were gifted with so many new musicals that didn’t want to open in the same season as Hamilton crammed into every possible open theatre, we’re going to have to wait an entire year for Escape to Margaritaville. 

The industry term for this season is “packed,” but I prefer to call it a “baby rattlesnake” season.  Because… Okay, you know how baby rattlesnakes can’t control their venom when they bite, so they just let it all out at once? That’s what happened this year. The moment Lin-Manuel walked off of the Beacon stage, literally every show waiting in the wings bum-rushed the theatre district faster than a Panic! at the Disco fan can exit during curtain call at Kinky Boots. Broadway baby-rattlesnaked. This is what a post-Hamilton Broadway season looks like: we let it all out at once, and there’s venom everywhere.

But, hey! More shows means more opportunities to be drunk! SO, grab several of your favorite drinks (and pour one out for the elderly lady who dropped her sippy-cup cocktail off the balcony and into the orchestra the night I saw A Doll’s House, Part 2) because it’s time to get COME FROM AWAYSTED.

THE RULES:

You might remember some of these rules from 2016’s #SLAM4HAM, 2015’s Somedrink Rotten, 2014’s A Drinker’s Guide… and 2013’s Drinky Boots, and I’m not even ashamed to recycle them because drinking games aren’t born, they’re made.

As per usual, all rules apply to what is happening on screen, through social media, or wherever you are viewing it.. Unless otherwise specified, drink when:

  • You hear the words: “live theatre”
  • You roll your eyes.
  • A moment is so awkward, your butthole literally clenches.
  • Someone tweets something and then deletes it.
  • Someone says they’re thankful that Hamilton wasn’t nominated.
  • The sound doesn’t work (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
  • There is a technical issue (again, drink cautiously because the stage is big).
  • Someone cries boogers.
  • You cry boogers.
  • Someone on social media makes a brave and unique comment about Kevin Spacey’s sexuality (take a shot if it includes a reference to one or more Newsies).
  • CBS celebrity!
  • Who is that CBS celebrity I don’t watch CBS!
  • A producer of an un-nominated show buys air time.
  • Politics ruins the telecast.
  • Various cast members from the revival of Hello, Dolly! appear to be inconvenienced by the Tony Awards.
  • Accents and dialects!
  • Someone spells it “Tony’s.”
  • The camera cuts to Glenn Close during the performance from War Paint (take a shot).
  • The camera cuts to Patti LuPone when an award is presented by Glenn Close (finish the bottle).
  • LAURIE METCALF.
  • Someone uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form. That includes ironically.
  • The theatre community congratulates itself on the new Golden Age of Broadway by welcoming to the stage a star from Hollywood.
  • Knee braces!
  • There is an inappropriate close up during a large production number.
  • Sydney Lucas comes back to show Scott Rudin that it is possible to fill the stage at Radio City.
  • An award that was aired during last year’s telecast is left out this year because it wasn’t Hamilton.
  • Something happens with the plays.
  • Michael Greif wins a Tony Award for not using scaffolding.
  • You see someone you know on stage.
  • You get bitterly jealous of said person.
  • You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there (drink at your own risk).
  • Ben Platt loses to Moonlight.
  • Accordions!

Remember to always drink cautiously, but unapologetically.

YOU CAN’T STOP THE TWEET: Annoying Actor Friend’s “Hairspray Live!” Drinking Game

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Here we are again! After a significant pissing contest between NBC and FOX, our beloved live musicals have now completely conformed to actually including a live audience. Gone are the days of silence so awkward that you could actually hear it emanating from miles away in that studio hangar out in Bethpage, Long Island, and gone are the days when all of my working New York friends had to juggle an eight show week, developmental lab, and a lucrative television salary while I comped their drinks at the bar I work because they told me they couldn’t afford to visit me on their nights off because they’re “poor.” That’s right, Broadway on network television has officially gone Hollywood.

Never has there ever been a more poetic example of “Oh. Hell. No,” than NBC’s response to FOX’s Grease Live!. They were like, “Wait, wait, WAIT. You snatched our wig and wore it better!?” Hairspray Live! is like that New York actor who left their Broadway chorus contract to go out to Los Angeles for pilot season because someone who understudied them once at a dinner theatre landed a one episode arc on Scream Queens.

Look, I thought Grease Live! was great. And it pissed me off. Now we’ve got to deal with a show that is actually good following the Grease Live! method. It’s going to be very difficult to make social media funny during Hairspray Live!, but I’ve seen a lot of people find a way to make 2016 funny, so I have great faith in all of you because even in the darkest of times, one thing is certain: YOU CAN’T STOP THE TWEET.

SO, EVERYONE, grab your favorite beverage, and pour one out for “Nikki Blonsky from the movie Hairspray”; it’s time to use your elbow to break down the walls of segregation and/or elbow back as many as it’ll take to make you forget that Jennifer Hudson is only four-ish years older than Ephraim Sykes.

PRE-GAME: take a shot in honor of every actor friend you know who is live social media-ing this event on a Wednesday night at 8pm, because it probably means they’re unemployed.

NOTE: I trust you’ll be surrounded by friends either in person, on social media, or both, so some of these rules pertain to you and those around you, as well as what you’ll be viewing on screen. 

DRINK WHEN…

  • Ariana Grande attempts a consonant.
  • a set piece breaks or malfunctions.
  • there are sound problems.
  • celebrity marking.
  • you have no idea who Amber and Link are.
  • the camera cuts to an actor who is not really paying attention.
  • Ugh. LA dancers.
  • the key changes for Jennifer Hudson.
  • you see someone you know (this is probably a wasted rule because LA).
  • Dove Cameron is a deodorant right?
  • Martin Short and Andrea Martin eat the set by the end of act one.
  • one of your friends says, “I almost booked this.” (because they didn’t. again, this is LA)
  • was Garrett Clayton a Vine star?
  • an actor accidentally looks at the camera.
  • Donald Trump wages war on Hairspray Live! because there’s a song called “Ladies’ Choice.”
  • Donald Trump wages war on Hairspray Live! because he thinks the Miss Teenage Hairspray competition is rigged when Amber doesn’t win.
  • Donald Trump wages war on Hairspray Live! because Rosie O’Donnell.
  • NBC stamps an awkward hashtag at the bottom of the screen. #Crabs
  • omg remember when Kristin Chenoweth did The Music Man?
  • someone in the cast is phoning it in like they are doing an open ended run.
  • Allison Williams has a series of flashbacks and you can audibly hear her screams from her home in Chelsea.
  • PONIES!
  • lyric flub.
  • Harvey Fierstein.
  • where’s Shanice?
  • acting for the stage.
  • The original Broadway Dynamites look younger fourteen years later than you did when you were fourteen.
  • Billy Eichner screams at someone.
  • Little Inez walks away with the show like Benanti.
  • you pass out before “Cooties.”

Have a great night, everybody! And remember: Always drink responsibly, but unapologetically.


SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION TIME: The epic best selling book, #SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend’s Guide to Werking in Show Business and its sequel, #GRATEFUL: Everything Happens for a Reason are available on Amazon Kindle and Paperback and “ARE THE GREATEST HOLIDAY GIFT OF ALL TIME.” – Me

#SLAM4HAM: Annoying Actor Friend’s 2016 Tony Awards Drinking Game

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What an incredible Broadway season, right?! So many Hamilton! Hamilton think pieces! Hamilton jokes! Hamilton memes! Hamilton Hamilton! Since the moment Hamilton opened at the Public on January 20th, 1997, it has just been one awesome and crazy ride to the 70th Annual Tony Awards.

Wow. Has Tony time for Hamilton come already? I mean, thank goodness Jeffrey Seller coaxed Harvey Weinstein into locking down Radio City this month so that the Tonys had to bump a week to the Beacon, thus adding an extra seven days of cultural relevance for the juggernaut. Alas, unfortunately it is finally the moment for the Event of the Century to climb atop the Iron Thrown, and then go gently into that dark night, to make way for future artistic triumphs of the American Theatre such as the revival of Motown.

OK! Grab several of your favorite drinks (pour one out for every member of the original cast of Hamilton who left the production before the Tony Awards) because it’s time to slam a few back for Ham! #Slam4Ham.

THE RULES:

You might remember some of these rules from 2015’s Somedrink Rotten, 2014’s A Drinker’s Guide… and 2013’s Drinky Boots, and I’m not even ashamed to recycle them (or the rest of this sentence) because there were literally nine hundred theatre award ceremonies this year, and I’ve already forgotten which one I’m currently writing about.

As per usual, all rules apply to what is happening on screen, through social media, or wherever you are viewing it.. Unless otherwise specified, drink when:

  • You hear the words: “live theatre”
  • Hamilton wins something (Drink WATER. Remember: Tonight is a marathon, not a sprint. The only way I can assure that all of you will remain hydrated is by instilling this mandatory rule that requires everyone to drink water every six to seven minutes).
  • A winner thanks God in their acceptance speech (take one drink for them, and one for the latest national tragedy that God didn’t get a chance to stop because He was too busy helping that person win a Tony).
  • You roll your eyes.
  • A moment is so awkward, your butthole literally clenches.
  • Someone tweets something and then deletes it.
  • Lin-Manuel raps while not in a costume (Again, drink WATER).
  • Jennifer EFFING Simard.
  • The sound doesn’t work (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
  • There is a technical issue (again, drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night and they haven’t been at this venue since Once).
  • Someone says the entire title of Shuffle Along without stumbling (take a shot).
  • CBS celebrity!
  • Who is that CBS celebrity I don’t watch CBS!
  • A producer of an un-nominated show buys air time.
  • Fans of a nominated show are tricked into buying air time.
  • Pies.
  • Someone spells it Tony’s. #unfriend.
  • Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber drags a diva.
  • Someone uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form. That includes ironically.
  • An award is presented that was left out of last year’s telecast because it wasn’t Hamilton (take one shot for Lisa Kron and two for Jeanine Tesori).
  • Something happens with the plays.
  • Cynthia Erivo does Jack Palance-style one armed pushups when she wins.
  • A kid from School of Rock quits the business midway through their performance because it’s the 27th time they’ve done “You’re in the Band” this week.
  • You see someone you know on stage.
  • You get bitterly jealous of said person.
  • You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there (drink at your own risk).
  • Streisand appears after 46 years to make us all OK with her doing the new Gypsy movie and Broadway Internet collectively shits itself.
  • Banjos.

#SLAM4HAM: If someone or something beats Hamilton in any category, grab the bottle nearest to you, slam it back until it’s finished, and then run streaking through the streets until daybreak.

Remember to always drink cautiously, but unapologetically.

I SWORE NBC ALREADY DID THIS: Annoying Actor Friend’s “Grease Live” Drinking Game

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I seriously forgot this shit was happening. Between NBC’s three live musical events and their 2007 smash hit, Grease: You’re the One That I Want!, I honestly thought it already had. In fact, I am not entirely certain that none of the white people in the photograph above aren’t Aaron Tveit. Alas, FOX’s Grease Live is indeed something we are all going to have to deal with this weekend, and we’re going to deal with it the only way we know how… with lots, and lots of alcohol.

After the well executed The Wiz Live and the shaming that came with hate-watching Peter Pan Live, we have all been itching to #MakeTwitterGreatAgain. NOW IS OUR TIME. Grease Live is an LA thing, so all bets are off! There’s no need to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings because it’s LA and nobody has them!

There are a lot of promising things about Grease Live, so let’s get the pleasantries out of the way first…

1.) DIVERSITY: The only thing whiter than Grease, are the people who love Grease. So props to Grease Live for the diverse casting.

2.) LIVE AUDIENCE: Oh, for the love of fuck, thank God somebody has listened to us and thrown in an audience. Without one, it feels like the cast is bombing.  I’ve gathered from actors who’ve performed in previous NBC musical events that after multiple runs without an audience, the live show feels normal. However, for those of us at home, it still looks like they are tanking, and thus, we feel sorry for them in spite of the FAT CHECK we know they are getting. I look forward to seeing how this works with an audience, and I’m even more excited for how NBC will find a way to ignore the success of it when they do Hairspray Live.

3.) COOL FILMING: Grease Live is not going to be confined to one studio, and will instead be shot in multiple locations that include exteriors. This means it might literally rain on prom night, and I for one, would like to see that happen to Julianne Hough.

4.) ANA. GASTEYER.

***

ALRIGHT! Now that we’ve covered the good stuff, it’s time to grab your favorite beverage, pour one out for feminism, and devote the next three hours of your life to a truly dated piece of theater that proves that deeply-rooted nostalgia will always make misogyny A-OKAY.

WARNING: I urge you to use caution. I have never constructed a set of drinking game rules more dangerous than this one. 

Ready? OK…

DRINK WHEN…

  • you remember that Grease is a terrible show.

Goodnight, everybody!

CLOSING TIME: The “Your Friend’s Show is Closing and You Can’t Deal with Them” Drinking Game

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Shows come and go. Some closing notices are tragic (an open ended run), some are expected (a limited engagement), and some really don’t mean shit (regional theatre). But to the people who are members of the casts that are going not-so-gently into that dark night, a show’s closing can make for a somewhat traumatic experience for you on the Internet. Often, your various social media platforms become plagued with obligatory closing-notice-sobbing, that you literally can’t even begin to even with. That is why in honor of all of the shows that close in January (and throughout the year), I have constructed the:

“Your Friend’s Show is Closing and You Can’t Deal with Them” Drinking Game!

This game is awesome because you can apply it to any time someone you know is in a show and that show is closing (just use caution if it’s a college show, because you. will. die.) All you have to do is crack open some Svedka and your smartphone, and revel in the self-congratulatory-sadness that is your friend’s closing weekend. Apply it to your own show if you’re really jaded!

LET’S BEGIN!

UNLESS OTHERWISE SPECIFIED, DRINK WHEN SOMEONE POSTS ANY OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS:

  • family
  • amazing
  • thankful
  • gratitude
  • life changing (drink twice)
  • experience (drink twice)
  • life changing and experience in the same sentence (switch to butt chugging)
  • honored
  • monumental
  • the best show I have ever done (take a shot because it wasn’t)
  • incredible
  • amazing again
  • something about being “the greatest cast/company” (take a few extra drinks for all of the people who have previously done a show with this person and have now been offended.)
  • heart is so full (kill yourself)
  • humbled (finish the bottle and unfollow)

If you don’t know anyone who is closing a show in the near future, try this game during the closing weekend of Spring Awakening!

The Unofficial 2016 BroadwayCon Bar Crawl Route

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This weekend marks the first ever BroadwayCon! I am so happy someone finally created an event like SantaCon, but for us. You see, there’s always one Saturday every December when I feel extremely left out because I don’t live in Murray Hill or work an entry level position at a hedgefund firm, and are therefore not allowed to participate in something quite like the frat-tastic bro-boozefest that is SantaCon…. UNTIL NOW. That’s right! The time has come to take back our right to vomit in the middle of the street and engage in public urination while dressed as a slutty Zaneeta Shinn without the fear of judgment! It’s time to get our BroadwayCon ON!

RULES:

1.) Use the provided map as your guide.

2.) Grab a group of your most obnoxious friends.

3.) Sex up your favorite Broadway character costume.

4.) Chose any of the BroadwayCon dates (Jan. 22nd, 23rd, or 24th), as well as a day or two after to recover.

5.) Make sure to have at least one drink at each establishment.

6.) MOST IMPORTANT: Do not get belligerent and hurt anyone. Remember… you are representing Broadway, and Broadway is anything but a mess.

LET’S BEGIN!

START: Glass House Tavern,  252 W 47th St.

Ideally, you’ll be starting early in the day, so Glass House won’t be slammed with post-show schmooze. After 11 p.m., Glass House turns into the Broadway Hunger Games, where every show sends two tributes to fight for oxygen and career longevity by having to network in a sardine can. If you feel you’re missing out on that by being there so early, don’t worry, there is always time to go back. Enjoy your inaugural BroadwayCon drink here and carry onto…

STOP #2: Bar Centrale, 324 W 46th St.

If you thought Glass House was expensive, hold onto your hat. Bar Centrale is even more buzzy (but like “famous people” buzzy) so the drinks cost more, but it’s OK because one time I stood in line for the bathroom behind Marilu Henner.

The exterior is subtle, and makes up for 50% of Table 46 on Smash. You probably won’t get in here without a reservation, so just go back to Glass House and have a second drink before heading to…

STOP #3: Joe Allen, 326 W 46th St.

Joe Allen completes the second 50% of Table 46 from Smash, and is known for hosting show posters of infamous Broadway flops on its walls. Enjoy a scotch and Instagram a few pics of you and your friends next to the posters of Nick and NoraSpider-Man: Turn Off The Dark, and Nerds. Now, it’s time to journey to…

STOP #4: Hourglass Tavern, 2, 373 W 46th St.

Hourglass Tavern is Glass House Tavern for the unemployed. They have a great happy hour, and you get the feel of being successful because Hourglass Tavern sounds vaguely like Glass House Tavern. The third floor is nice and secluded, and the bathrooms feel homy like an apartment because I think it might actually be someone’s apartment. Anyway, you’ll feel comfortable executing your first vomit of the day here if it’s already come to that. Hopefully not, because your mind is going to be blown when you make it to…

STOP #5: Gyu-Kaku Japanese BBQ, 321 W 44th St.

Gyu-Kaku is the Hourglass Tavern for the unemployed who has run out of unemployment insurance and still hasn’t booked a job. If you read #GRATEFUL: Everything Happens for a Reason, you know that Gyu-Kaku serves half price drinks in the bar area ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Their martinis are so cheap that Eileen Rand would lose her fucking shit.

Feel free to stock up on a few drinks here without judgement. Gyu-Kaku is next to the Binder office*, not the Telsey building, so there’s no chance you’ll run into anyone important. Once you’re ready, it’s time to class it up at…

*It has been brought to my attention that Binder moved a year ago and nobody noticed.

STOP #6: Sardi’s, 234 W 44th St.

After the sudden closure of Angus (and up next, the Ziegfeld) you might as well stop into Sardi’s because you just never know these days. It’s possible you’ve timed this out so you can still get the cheap “Actors Lunch” by showing your Equity card–and if you’re non-Equity, I won’t say a word because I still want you to follow me.

After you’ve enjoyed enough time trying to figure out who the fuck those drawings are supposed to be, say a prayer because you’re about to enter Times Square…

STOP #7: The View Lounge at the Marriott Marquis, 1535 Broadway.

I know you’ll have to deal with tourists and people who are going to see On Your Feet, but I thought the view at the top might be pretty–or at the very least, there are three hundred outlets on the hotel’s various floors if you need to charge your phone. I’d give this place a quick one-and-done, before braving the rest of Times Square…

OPTIONAL DETOUR: Lillie’s Victorian Bar & Restaurant, 249 W 49th St.

If cutting straight through hell proves to be too much, you can take this optional detour. Lillie’s is kind of like the Uptown Glass House, but I’m not sure to be honest, because I haven’t been there since I discovered Glass House.

STOP #8: Rosie O’Grady’s, 800 7th Ave.

You made it through Times Square! Celebrate by making a quick stop at this moderate tourist trap that I only placed on this bar crawl because the Hello, Dolly! revival was announced this week and there’s this part in the show where Ernestina yells something about Rosie O’Grady. They also have a pretty good French Onion soup. Once you’re fulfilled, you can take pride in knowing that you made it to the…

FINISH! New York Hilton Midtown, 1335 6th Avenue.

Apparently a bunch of Broadway people are hitting up this place over the weekend during their own BroadwayCon celebration, and I think it would be a fun gag if after copious amounts of day drinking, you surrounded yourself with a shit-ton of industry professionals. You know, like a cool after party!

***

IN CONCLUSION… as you go forth unto your BroadwayCon, I ask that you play this shit to win. Go full out! Make this first BroadwayCon an event to remember. If I don’t see some dude dressed as Dickon holding back the hair of a Galinda as she vomits onto Sixth Avenue next to a pile of passed out Pippins, then what the fuck is the point? If you’re gonna do BroadwayCon, do BroadwayCon RIGHT.

 

NO BAD BOOZE: Annoying Actor Friend’s “The Wiz Live” Drinking Game

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For the past three years, the first Thursday evening in December has been home to a holiday tradition as important as mistletoe, eggnog and bourbon, and watching Mariah Carey attempt whistle tones during “All I Want for Christmas is You” at the Rockefeller Tree Lighting Ceremony. As a culture, we have come to look forward to kicking off the holiday season with a nationally-televised-miscast-train-wreck-of-a-theatrical-event presented by NBC. However, it appears that the network that brought us hot-mess-season-one Ivy Lynn and then had the nerve to replace her with level-headed-season-two Ivy Lynn, has decided to repeat history by casting an actress in the starring role who can actually play it.

Yo, NBC. This is not how this goes. You have to stick with what works! Where do you get off making The Wiz Live good?! THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS TRADITION IS ABOUT. Providing us with a capable lead to carry the entire performance would be like if Macy’s canceled the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Pair this with the fact that Mariah effortlessly lip-synched on the parade last week instead of valiantly soldiering through the live tree lighting ceremony next week, it’s fair to assume that NBC is out to single handedly ruin my holidays. Like… they couldn’t even have given us a Wiz! You’re the One that I Want: The Search for the Next Elle Woods?!

Whatever. I may be seriously bummed that The Wiz Live is going to be good, but I’m writing this drinking game anyway, because it is a holiday tradition that I refuse to turn my back on, UNLIKE YOU, NBC.

SO, EVERYONE! Grab your favorite beverage, and pour one out for all the homoeroticism that will be missing this year; it’s time to ease on down the road that will undoubtedly lead to hugging porcelain Friday morning!

PRE-GAME: take a shot in honor of every actor friend you know who is live tweeting or Facebooking this event on a Thursday night at 8pm, because it probably means they’re unemployed.

NOTE: I trust you’ll be surrounded by friends either in person, on social media, or both, so some of these rules pertain to you and those around you, as well as what you’ll be viewing on screen. 

DRINK WHEN…

  • someone says, “Home.”
  • you’re like, “where the fuck is Laura Benanti?”
  • and then you’re like, “oh yeah, right.”
  • sing Shanice.
  • a set piece breaks or malfunctions.
  • someone tweets about knowing Uzo.
  • you know Uzo.
  • Hamilton manages to make The Wiz Live about them.
  • Neil Meron and Craig Zadan interrupt the telecast to announce that The Wiz Live will be transferring to Broadway.
  • why. is. this. so. good.
  • there are sound problems.
  • someone is really confused by the influences from the original L. Frank Baum novel.
  • you’re the one who’s confused.
  • Neil Meron and Craig Zadan interrupt the telecast to announce that Bombshell will be transferring to Broadway.
  • SING Shanice.
  • the camera cuts to an actor who is not really paying attention.
  • QUEEN LATIFAH.
  • they still haven’t figured out how to fix the awkward silence that follows a musical number.
  • Mary J. Blige takes an acting beat.
  • Neil Meron and Craig Zadan interrupt the telecast to announce something they produced five years ago.
  • one of your friends says, “I almost booked this.” (if you almost booked this, keep drinking until the next commercial break because do you know how much those Lost Men made last year?)
  • NBC stamps an awkward hashtag at the bottom of the screen. #SingShanice
  • someone in the cast is phoning it in like they are doing an open ended run.
  • riffing.
  • screlting
  • screlffting.
  • you change your major to Ne-Yo.
  • Toto walks away with the show like Audra or Kelli O’Hara.
  • Shanice Williams walks away with the show like Benanti.

Since The Wiz is arguably the most honest adaptation of L. Frank Baum’s original work, I’d like to point out that the first sequel to The Wonderful Wizard of Oz was written in 1904 and features a transgender character in the leading role, so I’m going to suggest that next year NBC bring us The Wiz 2 by Harvey Fierstein with score by Ne-Yo, Elijah Kelley, Harvey Mason, Jr., and Stephen Oremus, starring Laverne Cox. Or…I guess they could just do The Music Man. But it better be with Audra.


#GRATEFUL: Everything Happens for a Reasonthe epic sequel to the 2013 best selling book, #SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend’s Guide to Werking in Show Business, was released November 30th and is available on Amazon Kindle and Paperback!

SOMEDRINK ROTTEN: Annoying Actor Friend’s 2015 Tony Awards Drinking Game

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What an incredible Broadway season, right?! We had the return of Chita Rivera in a starring role, a PLAY at the Winter Garden, Kelli O’Hara surpassing Susan Lucci’s record for consecutive Best Actress nominations, a guy making a Tony nominated debut right out of college (kill me), an eleven year old making a Tony nominated debut (seriously kill me), three original pieces of theatre nominated for Best Musical, and An American in Paris.

Good things aside, the Tony Awards have to be the most brutal sport still legally presented on television. We’re essentially watching shows compete for their lives under the guise of celebrating “live theatre.” But like, the entire thing is pretty much a blood bath with tap shoes and foreword placement. It’s like watching a mashup of The Reaping in The Hunger Games and that Ramsay/Sansa scene from Game of Thrones, with occasional jazz-hands. Broadway isn’t just hard, it’s fucking fucked up, you guys.

I’ve heard that all the nominated casts are being forced to remain sequestered in a dressing room at Radio City until the final prize that decides their fate is announced. Then, the losers have to go on stage and join the winners, so they can all dance to “Oh, What A Night,” with everyone from Jersey Boys, who also won (in like 1996). If this is true, then the least we can do is support these brave actors of Broadway by getting royally shit-faced on our couches.

OK! Grab several of your favorite drinks, pour one out for Sound Design, and let’s get started!

THE RULES:

You might remember a few of these rules from 2014’s A Drinker’s Guide… and 2013’s  Drinky Boots, and I’m not even ashamed to recycle them because there were literally nine hundred theatre award ceremonies this year, and I’ve already forgotten which one I’m currently writing about.

As per usual, all rules apply to what is happening on screen, through social media, or wherever you are viewing it.. Unless otherwise specified, drink when:

  • You hear the words: “live theatre”
  • Hugh Jackman doesn’t hop across the stage, destroying the opening number.
  • A winner thanks God in their acceptance speech (take one drink for them, and one for the latest national tragedy that God didn’t get a chance to stop because He was too busy helping that person win a Tony).
  • You roll your eyes.
  • A producer of an un-nominated show buys air time.
  • Anytime a moment is so awkward, your butthole literally clenches.
  • Jennifer Hudson sings “I Can’t Let Go” in front of a Finding Neverland backdrop.
  • Someone cries (drink twice if it’s someone you’re with).
  • The sound doesn’t work (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
  • There is a technical issue (again, drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
  • Hollywood celebrity!
  • Helen Mirren wins another award for having limited range.
  • You get On the Town and An American in Paris confused.
  • Someone spells it Tony’s. #unfriend.
  • Various parts of the Internet don’t know how to handle “Ring of Keys.”
  • Someone uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form. That includes ironically.
  • Harvey Weinstein replaces someone mid-show (drink twice if it’s YOU).
  • You see someone you know on stage.
  • You get bitterly jealous of said person.
  • Daisy Eagan goes through it.
  • There is a performance that has nothing to do with the 2015 season. Drink twice if it has nothing really to do with theatre.
  • The In Memoriam leaves someone out (finish your bottle if they don’t #Dim4Joan).
  • You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there (drink at your own risk).
  • Someone does something that reminds you why you love theatre (drink twice if you found this annoying. three times if you found this sincere. four times because Chita, and why not).

The Kelli O’Hara Lightening Round

In honor of Kelli O’Hara’s six Tony nominations, just take six shots not matter what.

Remember to always drink cautiously, but unapologetically.

LET ME TELL YOU WHY BIRDMAN WAS NOT LIKE REAL BROADWAY: The Annoying Actor Friend’s 2015 Academy Awards Drinking Game

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This isn’t Birdman‘s night. Or Boyhood‘s. Not Eddie’s, or Patricia’s, or even Anne Hathaway’s. The evening belongs to we, the people. This is social media’s biggest night, and I hope we break new ground in finding a way to make J.K. Simmons’ Oscar about us.

Between Neil Meron and Craig Zadan’s obsession with superfluous musical numbers, and Neil Patrick Harris’ mere presence, Broadway Internet is going to be weathering a four hour orgasm — so you may want to grab an extra bottle, or ten, to help you deal with that.

DRINKING RULES!!!

Drink every time…

  • Neil sings.
  • Neil dances.
  • Neil gets serious.
  • Neil cracks a joke.
  • Neil can do anything.
  • None of us will ever be like Neil.
  • Hugh Jackman shows up to say, “Musicals are back,” and then thanks his wife.
  • There’s a reference to the selfie of last year, or they do anything having to do with pandering to social media.
  • There’s an appearance by an actor you’ve seen in a Broadway show (drink twice if it was Emma Stone, because fuck man, how good was Emma Stone in Cabaret?)
  • Drink if you loved Emma Stone in The House Bunny.
  • She was also really good in Superbad.
  • Drink when someone says the word, “gay.”
  • Finish your drink if one of your Facebook friends is trying to live status the event, but their posts aren’t showing up in chronological order on your newsfeed.
  • There is a musical number that has nothing to do with any of the music nominated.
  • There’s anything referencing Into the Woods.
  • A winner says the word, “grateful.” (one of the songs nominated is literally called “Grateful,” so drink twice when it is performed, and finish your drink if it wins. Also, my second book, #GRATEFUL, will be released later this year. #staytuned. #shamelessselfpromotion. #drinkifyoumadeitthroughallofthesehashtags.)
  • There is an Adele Dazim joke (Finish your drink because that was like six years ago).
  • If someone makes an Adele Dazim joke that is followed up with someone else saying, “Let it Go,” finish the bottle and then beat yourself to death with it.
  • Joan Rivers on the “In Memoriam.” (because remember #Dim4Joan? See how I’ve already made this show about me and it hasn’t even aired yet?)
  • Someone mentions that the telecast is longer than it took to film Boyhood (or some version of that joke).
  • Neil is really proud of himself.
  • And you jump out your window.
  • Or DO you…?

In closing, I’d like to acknowledge that eight Best Picture nominees is a bit douchey. Some of us haven’t paid our SAG dues, and had to borrow screeners from friends. I didn’t get to see all of the nominated films, but here is my take on them based on their titles…

ANNOYING ACTOR FRIEND’S NOMINEES FOR BEST PICTURE

AMERICAN SNIPER
When a person posts something on social media that makes you feel inferior. 

BIRDMAN OR (THE UNEXPECTED VIRTUE OF IGNORANCE)
Like Smash, but with explosions and flying — so more realistic.

BOYHOOD
Newsies.

THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL
A documentary following an aging actress who must tour the country on a tiered contract — and her recollection of days when every hotel on a full Production contract was grand.

THE IMITATION GAME
That thing where your director gets up during rehearsal and says, “Let me be you.”

SELMA
Eight non-Equity interns working in the Alabama Shakespeare Festival must commute from Selma, because the company manager couldn’t find them housing closer to the theatre. 

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING
Like, you know when the gays say, “That’s EVERYTHING?” But about music theory. 

WHIPLASH
The incredible true story of the cast of “Promises, Promises” learning the original choreography for Turkey Lurkey Time.

I WON’T THROW UP: Annoying Actor Friend’s “Peter Pan: LIVE!” Drinking Game

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Peter Pan: LIVE! is coming to NBC. I am so happy this shit is happening again. I love America.

On December 4th, high atop a plywood pirate ship in Bethpage, Long Island, Peter Pan: LIVE! will Fly-by-Foy itself right onto our TV sets, “from the people who brought you The Sound of Music: LIVE!” If you follow Craig Zadan and Neil Meron on Twitter, you might be aware that they also brought us the 2013 and 2014 Academy Awards. For Neil and Craig, every day is a Throwback Thursday to their careers. (Unless it involves Smash. It’s like that only happened to us.)

Just like last year, I want nothing more than for this theatrical venture of NBC’s to be a huge hit and return annually. It’s great for our industry, employs a lot of people, blah, blah, blah. Furthermore, everyone continues to get sentimental about their childhood and loves proclaiming that if this event can pique kids’ interest in theatre, it’ll all be worth it. To that I say, for every child in America that is inspired by Peter Pan: LIVE! there’s a child actor in the Tri-State area sipping four-fingers worth of Jack Daniel’s while muttering, “These Lost Boys are forty fucking years old.”

NOW! Grab your favorite beverage, pour one out for the “Mysterious Lady,” it’s time to get UGG-A-WASTED!

PRE-GAME: take a shot in honor of every actor friend you know who is live tweeting or Facebooking this event on a Thursday night at 8pm, because it probably means they’re unemployed.

NOTE: I trust you’ll be surrounded by friends either in person, on social media, or both, so some of these rules pertain to you and those around you, as well as what you’ll be viewing on screen. 

UNLESS OTHERWISE SPECIFIED, DRINK WHEN*…

  • you’re like, “where the fuck is Laura Benanti?”
  • a set piece breaks or malfunctions.
  • some guy you know comments about how he looks like Allison Williams as Peter Pan (finish your drink if you look like Allison Williams as Peter Pan).
  • someone, or Lena Dunham, tweets that we should be nice.
  • you roll your eyes at something.
  • there are sound problems.
  • something homoerotic happens (unintentional or intentional – use caution).
  • someone still doesn’t understand that Peter is always played by a woman.
  • you’re just as confused because Mr. Darling isn’t supposed to play Smee.
  • the camera cuts to an actor who is not really paying attention.
  • sassy Mermaids.
  • sassy Pirates.
  • really sassy Lost Boys.
  • Curly the Lost Boy does a random, non-character driven turn sequence.
  • CHRISTOPHER WALKEN.
  • there’s a song that doesn’t belong in the show.
  • you’re like, “they kept ‘Lonely Goatherd’ in the bedroom scene to remain authentic to the original The Sound of Music, but this year it’s like a fucking free-for-all.”
  • there’s uncomfortable silence.
  • an actor means to look at the superimposed, computer generated Tinker Bell, but she’s located on a different area of the screen.
  • a word is changed to be politically correct.
  • there are dialect issues (take a shot if it’s a Lost Boy drifting in and out of a Newsie accent).
  • one of your friends says, “I was in finals for this.” (if you were in finals for this, keep drinking until the next commercial break because do you know how much those nuns made last year?)
  • NBC stamps an awkward hashtag at the bottom of the screen. #Pray4Tink
  • someone in the cast is phoning it in like they are doing an open ended run.
  • you’re like, “I’m not surprised that person got cast.”
  • Nana walks away with the show like Audra.
  • Michael walks away with the show like Benanti.

*or you can ignore all of these rules and just drink for every Cathy Rigby revival tour.

To conclude, W.C. Fields famously said, “Never work with animals or children.” In the first 45 minutes of Peter Pan: LIVE!, Allison Williams will have to play opposite two slick kids and a real dog that’s been expertly trained by the great Bill Berloni. Let’s all drink once for Ms. Williams.

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