What an incredible Broadway season, right?! We had the return of Chita Rivera in a starring role, a PLAY at the Winter Garden, Kelli O’Hara surpassing Susan Lucci’s record for consecutive Best Actress nominations, a guy making a Tony nominated debut right out of college (kill me), an eleven year old making a Tony nominated debut (seriously kill me), three original pieces of theatre nominated for Best Musical, and An American in Paris.
Good things aside, the Tony Awards have to be the most brutal sport still legally presented on television. We’re essentially watching shows compete for their lives under the guise of celebrating “live theatre.” But like, the entire thing is pretty much a blood bath with tap shoes and foreword placement. It’s like watching a mashup of The Reaping in The Hunger Games and that Ramsay/Sansa scene from Game of Thrones, with occasional jazz-hands. Broadway isn’t just hard, it’s fucking fucked up, you guys.
I’ve heard that all the nominated casts are being forced to remain sequestered in a dressing room at Radio City until the final prize that decides their fate is announced. Then, the losers have to go on stage and join the winners, so they can all dance to “Oh, What A Night,” with everyone from Jersey Boys, who also won (in like 1996). If this is true, then the least we can do is support these brave actors of Broadway by getting royally shit-faced on our couches.
OK! Grab several of your favorite drinks, pour one out for Sound Design, and let’s get started!
You might remember a few of these rules from 2014’s A Drinker’s Guide… and 2013’s Drinky Boots, and I’m not even ashamed to recycle them because there were literally nine hundred theatre award ceremonies this year, and I’ve already forgotten which one I’m currently writing about.
As per usual, all rules apply to what is happening on screen, through social media, or wherever you are viewing it.. Unless otherwise specified, drink when:
- You hear the words: “live theatre”
- Hugh Jackman doesn’t hop across the stage, destroying the opening number.
- A winner thanks God in their acceptance speech (take one drink for them, and one for the latest national tragedy that God didn’t get a chance to stop because He was too busy helping that person win a Tony).
- You roll your eyes.
- A producer of an un-nominated show buys air time.
- Anytime a moment is so awkward, your butthole literally clenches.
- Jennifer Hudson sings “I Can’t Let Go” in front of a Finding Neverland backdrop.
- Someone cries (drink twice if it’s someone you’re with).
- The sound doesn’t work (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
- There is a technical issue (again, drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
- Hollywood celebrity!
- Helen Mirren wins another award for having limited range.
- You get On the Town and An American in Paris confused.
- Someone spells it Tony’s. #unfriend.
- Various parts of the Internet don’t know how to handle “Ring of Keys.”
- Someone uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form. That includes ironically.
- Harvey Weinstein replaces someone mid-show (drink twice if it’s YOU).
- You see someone you know on stage.
- You get bitterly jealous of said person.
- Daisy Eagan goes through it.
- There is a performance that has nothing to do with the 2015 season. Drink twice if it has nothing really to do with theatre.
- The In Memoriam leaves someone out (finish your bottle if they don’t #Dim4Joan).
- You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there (drink at your own risk).
- Someone does something that reminds you why you love theatre (drink twice if you found this annoying. three times if you found this sincere. four times because Chita, and why not).
The Kelli O’Hara Lightening Round
In honor of Kelli O’Hara’s six Tony nominations, just take six shots not matter what.
Remember to always drink cautiously, but unapologetically.