I may have gotten a little sentimental yesterday as we all coped with the news of SMASH’s cancellation. But it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, and it’s time for me to properly get back on everybody’s #shitlist!
Top 10 Times SMASH Didn’t Give a Shit and Other Things I Loved: “The Transfer”
1.) NBC Don’t Give a Flying F*ck: For those of us on the East Coast, SMASH was delayed because of NBC’s golf coverage. I believe NBC’s exact words were, “Due to the duration of golf coverage we now join SMASH, already in progress.” Yep. Already in progress. NBC didn’t even have the decency to start the episode late. Even CBS does that during football season. Do you know how many times I had to watch Andy Rooney gripe about razor scooters and melons instead of my Amazing Race because the Giants game pushed 60 Minutes an hour? That was football. This is golf. GOLF. This wasn’t even Caddyshack. I’d forgive them if they bumped SMASH for Caddyshack. Maybe even Caddyshack II: On the Move. But actual golf? #hellno.
Due to this prolonged golf extravaganza, we missed the entire opening number. The show cut in right as Ana was awkwardly stumbling on stage during a preview of Hit List. I’m not necessarily surprised to see Ana in a semi-inebriated state, but I would have appreciated an explanation. Thus, I actually had to buy this episode of SMASH on iTunes. Now I have spent money on SMASH. Thanks a lot, NBC. inebriated
2.) Table 46 Needs to Stop: I never want to go there. Table 46 is that place you involuntarily bump into everyone you’ve ever worked with, that you don’t necessarily want to see again, who always end up asking you, “So… What are you up to?” And you’re like, “Oh, you know…auditioning.” And then you have to ask them how they’re doing, even though you know what they’re doing, because they just posted all about it on Facebook, and you’ve yet to unfriend them because you’re a social media whore. Or… maybe that’s just me? Oh, then I’m totally kidding… #WERK ! I love Hell’s Kitchen.
The only person who doesn’t want to be at Table 46 more than me, are the people that work there. That waiter was like, “Hey, Jimmy! Wanna bus tables for old time’s sake? Oh, wait. You never bussed shit! You just sat on the piano and played your little show tunes and now you’re on Broadway and I still can’t get seen for Mamma Mia… But, totes congrats on all that.”
The last place Jimmy Collins wants to be is the restaurant he used to work at. Talk about a flood of bad memories. Oh, and I’m not talking about having to see the ghost of Kyle in every corner. I’m talking about the dirty secrets Jimmy probably knows about how Table 46 is managed. Jimmy knows when the hands haven’t been washed. Jimmy knows when the milk has expired. He knows everything.
You can see how uncomfortable Jimmy is in that booth. He’s thinking, “I know we bought our A grade from the health department….I have to stop her from eating that fried calamari because it’s not actually calamari, it’s … Oh, God. Get me out of here!” Trust me, nobody wants to go back to the restaurant they worked at once they’ve finally gotten out. Jimmy is a recovering substance abuser. Table 46 is the last place they should have taken him.
3.) Kyle Bishop Don’t Give a Shit About Some People: Kyle Bishop was not the only casualty in the SMASHiverse. What happened to the two sets of twins that used to be in Hit List? We haven’t seen them since that “Original” Miley Cyrus number back in episode 2.10. I used to think that they were the ones left on stage during the full company costume change that happens after “Amanda” gets shot by the Diva. However, none of those twins were present in the Broadway transfer. If Jimmy’s objective is to maintain Kyle’s vision of Hit List, I guess Kyle didn’t give a shit about the Engen twins. Or the twins from So You Think You Can Dance (Canadian Edition). Furthermore, Kyle must not have given a shit about whoever played the role that now belongs to Sam Strickland. I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead, but it sounds to me that Kyle Bishop, at heart, was a ruthless son of a bitch that didn’t give a shit about first right of refusal.
4.) KAREN CARTWRIGHT (Amanda): Broadway: Debut! Off-Broadway: Hit List. Regional: Bombshell (Marilyn). Workshops: Marilyn: the musical (Chorus). BFA from Michigan. Karen feels #SoBlessed to be finally making her first appearance on the “Great White Way,” which should now be referred to as the “Great Vanilla Way.” What a difference a year makes. “Thanks Telsey!”
5.) That Awkward Moment When … :
- oof. Ana made an Erin Dilly dig that was worse than anything I’ve ever said. #almost
6.) Is Lin-Manuel Miranda Usually Such a Dick?: I don’t know Mr. Miranda personally. I respect his werk. He seems like a very nice guy. He’s extremely talented. He even used to follow my twitter account… Well, until I did this:
I was young and foolish and I scared Lin-Manuel away. I still believe that real life Lin-Manuel is a truly nice guy. But, SMASH-iverse Lin-Manuel is an asshole. What kind of a jerk brings that much sass to a Houston & Levitt farewell concert? Bring it On may have been nominated for a Tony in the real world, but I can guarantee SMASH-iverse Bring it On is going to get #SNUBBED.
7.) Julia’s Magical Notecards: Julia werked it with the notecards this episode. Jimmy refused to let anything in Hit List change unless it was originally one of Kyle’s ideas. Julia forced poor Jimmy to return to an apartment he had not set foot in since his best friend was still breathing, all so she could rummage through Kyle’s personal items in search of a stack of notecards with obscure and random words written on them.
Julia picked up a notecard with one word on it, conceptualized an entire idea and then tried to pawn it off as Kyle’s. This was pure genius of Julia. She can do anything she wants now! All she has to do is pick up a card, read the word, and then say, “Oh… Yeah… Um…Kyle had this totally great idea to [insert whatever crazy shit you want to add to the show]” I personally think Julia just made up the entire social media newsfeed idea. Kyle’s word on the notecard was NEWSREEL. What kid in their early twenties writes down “newsreel” and doesn’t mean that black and white thing they show in old Turner Classic Movies like Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and A League of their Own?
I wish Julia didn’t quit Hit List, because she could have seriously driven it into the ground just so Bombshell could win all the Tonys. Here are some other potential notecards of Kyle’s that Julia could have turned into something to sabotage Hit List:
- GAGA: “Oh, I remember this one! Kyle always wanted to do a number with babies. Like, an edgy satire on the maturity level of most twitter users. He said that when the show transferred to Broadway, he pictured act one ending with the ensemble just rolling around on stage for five minutes, goo-goo-ing.”
- GRAMMY: “Kyle thought the VMA’s were the only relevant awards show. He did, however, consider adding a song about a Grammy… Grammi Gummi, from The Gummi Bears. Kyle told me about a scene he wanted to write in act two, where Amanda gets high and hallucinates the entire ensemble on bungee cords, dressed as Grammi Gummi. You know, like Wonderland did with all those Alices.”
- SOMEONE LIKE YOU: “Not, the Adele song. The Jekyll & Hyde one. Kyle loved Jekyll & Hyde. We should all go see it right now and do all of that.”
8.) PSM Marissa One-Ups PSM Linda: I know what you’re thinking… Could someone ever be a more capable stage manager than Linda? SMASH-phemous! But let’s be serious, PSM Marissa was able to insert an entire groundbreaking multimedia event into Hit List in less time than it took for PSM Linda to tech a cardboard plane moving onstage. I love me some Linda, but maybe there is something to Marissa and her 8 a.m. call times. That being said, Bombshell was dark the day of the Houston & Levitt concert and ASM Kathy ran the event, giving PSM Linda a much deserved night off.
9.) Derek Royally Screws Ana Because He Literally Screwed Daisy: I don’t know what’s worse: getting thrown under an actual bus like Kyle or getting thrown under the proverbial bus like Ana, because I almost Bishop-ed myself when this entire plot line began to unravel. In fact, I don’t even really know what happened the rest of the episode because I frisbee tossed my iPad across the room.
Nobody messes with Ana Vargas. Nobody.
10.) Ivy Revisits Season One: Agnes schooled Ivy about her reputation by bringing up a bunch of shit that happened in season one. Um. Last time I checked, we forgot that Theresa Rebeck happened. Then Ivy got a phone call from the only doctor’s office I know that is open at 11 p.m. to tell her she is pregnant with Julia’s cliffhanger from last season.
You know what? I hope it’s Dev’s baby. If Ivy can film a car commercial, learn an entirely new number for a Houston & Levitt review that was staged and rehearsed in one day, all while campaigning for a Tony and starring on Broadway eight times a week, it’s entirely possible that her and Dev’s fertilized embryo was like, “It’s cool, mom. I’ll just take this first trimester rrrreeeaaalllllyyy sllloooowww.”
We’re talking SMASH, here. Stranger things have happened.