SMASH Don’t Give a Shit: “The Parents”

Someone brought to my attention that there are seventeen episodes of SMASH this season and “The Parents” was only the ninth. Are you telling me there are EIGHT more of these? And ANOTHER one on Saturday?? With LIZA???

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Top 10 Times SMASH Didn’t Give a Shit and Other Things I Loved: “The Parents”

1.) Jimmy & Karen Get Their Swerve On: Since Ana was out being a lady of the evening, Jimmy and Karen got a chance to be sexy in the biggest one bedroom I’ve ever seen. Those girls are living production contract lives on an off-broadway salary. No wonder they need to share a room! Karen must have assumed Ana would be out a long time because she left her panties everywhere. Jimmy also didn’t give a shit because he wrapped his postcoital body in Ana’s blanket. I know it was Ana’s blanket because that shit looked Spanish and Ana Vargas is obviously very Spanish.

Jimmy and Karen clearly stated that they got up at seven in the morning and rehearsal was in one hour. Remind me to never work at the Manhattan Theatre Workshop, because if they have rehearsals at eight a.m., they will probably have school performances, too. And I don’t screlt before three.

Karen’s father showed up uninvited, but I’m not sure why Jimmy needed to pull the whole “West-Side-Story-out-the-window-and-down-the-fire-escape” bit. I mean, SMASH is obviously trying to set Ana up as the resident Hester Prynne, so Jimmy could’ve just relaxed on the couch in his underwear and said, “Sup, Iowa Pops, my girl is out grabbing neapolitan wafers and magnums. Need anything?” That would have solved all of Karen’s problems this episode. When in doubt, pin it on Ana.

2.) PSM Linda is OVER IT: Thank goodness PSM Linda was back at Bombshell rehearsals to pull their shit together. This week, her face pretty much summed up how the Broadway community feels about SMASH.

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3.) Scott Don’t Give a Shit: Scott (Jesse L. Martin) played a key role this episode by being the only person on SMASH to ever think someone might be more talented than Karen. Scott walked into the Hit List benefit rehearsal, saw Karen singing “Broadway Here I Come” and was like, “Oh, we’re mixing this song now? Yeah. I need something bigger. You…Karen’s roommate. Can you do silks?” 

Bravo, Scott. This makes up for putting Hit List into rehearsal before the director cared to cast one of its supporting roles.

4.) Swings! The Jessica & Bobby Spin-Off: Jessica and Bobby are in the ensemble. Sam is understudying the ensemble. This is known as a “swing.” Since SMASH goes to great lengths to downplay how difficult it can be to actually get into the ensemble of a Broadway show, you can imagine the kind of trash that would accept the job of a swing

I’m thinking after Bombshell closes and SMASH goes on “hiatus,” NBC should green-light a spin-off for Jessica and Bobby. It could be like a Murder She Wrote meets Will & Grace where Jessica and Bobby swing a Broadway show, but get so bored they start solving random mysteries. Call it Swings! The show would include all of Bobby’s sassy jokes that were cut from SMASH and more of Jessica’s period specific hairstyles and questionable outfit choices. The advertisements for Swings! would include photos of Jessica’s favorite rehearsal position, where she just leans on Bobby’s shoulder for an uncomfortable amount of time… I can even see the opening montage ending with a shot of Jessica and Bobby peering out from behind a door as if they were on an episode of Scooby-Doo… That seems to be their M.O. lately.

5.) That Awkward Moment When … : 

  •  The SMASHiverse is living the winter Punxsutawney Phil promised us.
  • There was a lyric in “Broadway Here I Come” that went, “will I retain my name when I’m the biggest, hugest hit.” Watch out, Mr. Sondheim!
  • I still don’t know what happened to Julia’s dramaturg boyfriend.
  • Cleopatra Rand thinks she needs Ivy’s mom in Bombshell to sell tickets but was totally chill with just Karen Cartwright as Marilyn.
  • Tom’s imagination surrounded two time Tony Award winner, Bernadette Peters, with a bunch of people waltzing.
  • Tom staged screens behind “Marilyn” and “Gladys” to stop the Bombshell ensemble from creepily staring at everything.
  • You pictured Bernadette Peters trying to sing that song with Karen as Marilyn instead of Ivy.
  • Tom had an Instagram teardrop feature around his eye the entire time Bernadette was singing. #whatafilter
  • Julia was shocked that Scott remembered her favorite tea after fifteen years. The look on her face after she drank it was a Yogi Tea Moment, if I ever saw one.

6.) Did Ana Go to Hogwarts? : Because she werked magic this week. When Ana took over after the Fringe, Jimmy said, “Ana’s good but she doesn’t have what Karen has.” I demand to know what wizard tricks Karen is capable of that could top the shit Ana pulled off this episode. Last time I checked, she was playing “the sister” in Hit List, but somewhere between drunk booking the Diva the night before and the eight a.m. rehearsal call the next morning, Ana mystically learned an entire silk aerial act. Not that I’m shocked. SMASH has already implied that Ana knows how to werk the sheets. I guess silks aren’t much different?

The best Ana moment came when she met the writer from the New York Times. Everyone was saying their full name when they introduced themselves, but not Ana Vargas. Ana was like, “I’m Ana… Bitch.” Watch out, Karen Cartwrong, your roommate is rockin’ one name and could probably wingardium leviosa your ass.

7.) Karen’s Dad Needs to Stop: Is it me, or was Karen’s dad just way too into everything going on in her life? No wonder Karen requires so much attention from everyone. I wish my father cared that much about the quality of shows I chose to do. I could be performing in Applebees’s: the musical and he’d be like, “How close will you be to home?”

8.) The Picture of Bernadette Peters: Somewhere in a storage room on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, there sits a painting of a twenty-five year old Bernadette Peters that now resembles how she looked in act one of Into the Woods. I’m positive that Ms. Peters commissioned a portrait of herself in 1983 and it has been aging for her ever since.

Most of the Leigh Conroy/Ivy Lynne storyline bored me because there were things like listening, responding, and relationship growing going on. That is not why I signed on, SMASH. Bobby was right when he said, “This is boring. I want my cat fight, already.” This would have been so much better on a prednisone bender. Maybe Jimmy can take his mystery drug over to the mystery studios in the Flatiron district and get this party started.

9.) Throwing Kyle Under the Bus: Scott went to Julia to beg her to be his “dramaturg” on Hit List. I guess even the Artistic Director at the Manhattan Theatre Workshop doesn’t know what a show doctor is. This was an awesome opportunity for yet another character to throw Kyle (A.K.A. President of the Hit List Fan Club) under the bus. Scott simply couldn’t be bothered with Kyle adding the Diva into the second act himself, despite the fact it was his idea.

Kyle seems so happy to be there that I guess he doesn’t notice his presence is being met with such indifference. I honestly don’t know why Kyle hasn’t purchased a one way ticket to AngstyLand, where Jimmy is the Prime Minister. Maybe Kyle just don’t give a shit! He’s like, “As long as the checks clear!” (Except there aren’t any checks and that is why Jimmy had to steal a watch that some patron at the Hit List Kickstarter was keeping in a box in their coat)

SMASH has been throwing Kyle under the proverbial bus so much lately that I’m just waiting for them to literally shove him in front of an M60.

10.) SMASH Fans Don’t Give a Shit: As NBC has pointed out, SMASH viewers may be few, but they are wealthy. They are also dignified. While I would love to get a martini thrown in my face for some of the things I have said about SMASH, the fans and everyone surrounding the show have kept it classy. I respect that. You #werk SMASH! The GLEEKS, on the other hand, are a completely different story…

I learned a valuable lesson this week: DON’T EVER START A GLEE RECAP.

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95% of Gleeks Are a Walking Endorsement for Pro-Choice

You know you’ve arrived when the death threats start rolling in. I feel like the Jenny Johnson of Broadway and the Gleeks are my Team Breezy. I don’t know what to say! I feel #SoBlessed. Or shall I say, #SoShitDickFuckingBlessed.

SMASH Moves to Saturdays…

SMASH will now move to Saturday nights at 9pm. It was inevitable. Even MY ratings are dropping. Let’s go out with a bang, shall we? In an effort to speed these recaps along, I think I’ll pre-game with SMASH at 9pm on Saturday night and write “SMASH Don’t Give a Shit” completely blasted. Who’s with me? #smashtag will now officially join forces with #trashedtag. I can’t be held responsible for what this will lead to…

5 comments

  1. Scott

    I would like to add the fact that Karen doesn’t seem to know what “Broadway Here I Come” is about.

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