The season premiere of SMASH brought us two episodes in a row. Two show days suck and after this premiere ended, we all had #2showp*ssy.
Shall we continue?
Top 10 Times SMASH Didn’t Give a Shit and Other Things I Loved: “The Fall Out”
1.) Jimmy Works a Lunch Shift: Let’s just ignore the fact that the bar Jimmy and Kyle work at doesn’t make a lot of sense architecturally. Karen acknowledges that the entrance is at the top of the stairs, yet Kyle comes out a door on the side at street level. Perhaps the owners of Table 46 bought out Bar Centrale and Joe Allen’s. I’m not sure. None of that matters, because what makes this scene truly amazing is how Jimmy sort of just wanders in from cam-er-a left. He tells Karen that his shift ends at five. He’s not caring a bag or anything to suggest he’s arriving. I can only assume he was just hanging out, letting Kyle do all the work again. If I ever find myself no longer gainfully employed on Broadway, remind me to get a job at Table 46. They appear to have no management and allow Alpha males to pretty much do whatever they want.
Kyle tells Jimmy that Karen could help them get their music heard. This makes Jimmy mad. Jimmy doesn’t want help. Jimmy wants to do it on his own. I like Jimmy’s style. Who needs connections to make it on Broadway? Judging by the size of Jimmy and Kyle’s loft in Green Point, I’m sure their parents can produce their show for them. If there’s one character that gives less of a shit than SMASH itself, it’s Jimmy.
2.) Commercials are for Losers: Ivy can’t get a callback for an eHarmony commercial and Karen looks borderline suicidal after attending a Clearasil audition. Both of these job prospects are met with negativity. They should be! This is season 2 of SMASH and these girls just did an out of town tryout on a LORT B contract. They can’t be bothered with lowly national commercials. Especially if they make you look like this:
It’s important for SMASH to teach America that no job is better than being on Broadway. Unless you’re in the chorus.
3.) Daisy the Pilates Instructor: Poor Derek is being charged with sexual harassment by no less than six (seven?) girls. One of them is a pilates instructor named Daisy (Mara Davi, looking GORGE as a redhead). Derek puts down Daisy by saying she’s just an, “O.K. actress, which is why after all these years you’re still teaching pilates.” Derek is right. Daisy should just give up now. Talk about rock bottom. One of my friends wasted an entire year of her life getting some lame pilates certification. Now she teaches private sessions to Upper East Side ladies for a pathetic $125 an hour. I saw her in midtown last month and she told me she and her boyfriend are taking two weeks off to stay at her client’s villa on the Amalfi Coast. I just felt so sorry for the girl. Nothing is as important as Broadway. NOTHING.
4.) Times Square Tables: If you were playing my drinking game, then you probably slammed one back when Kyle met Karen at the tourist tables in Times Square. I love these tables because they are surrounded by what makes Broadway great:
Old Naked Cowgirl
and these girls…
Whenever I have an important meeting with someone I think might further my career, I always meet at the tables in Times Square. The tables in Bryant Park are just too far east and there aren’t any Starbucks locations near 46th street and 8th avenue…
P.S. I will not be satisfied until there is a Chicago Girl dream sequence on SMASH. In fact, I will not rest until there is a Chicago Girl storyline on SMASH. For now, I’ll just have to follow @RoxieRedTights and play THIS on a loop.
5.) Julia’s Shame Spiral: I take it back. If there is one character that gives less of a shit than SMASH, it isn’t Jimmy. It’s Julia. I don’t think we’ve seen this girl get out of bed since Theresa Rebeck tried to trick herself into thinking we’d ever believe Ellis was heterosexual. Julia refuses to attend the American Theatre Wing gala for her best friend Tom, yet willingly opens the door to Ivy and exclaims, “I’m thrilled to be of use to anyone!” I think Julia is awesome. It’s fun to see Julia leap at the chance to be of use to Ivy in a way she never really wanted to be for Tom, Eileen, the cast of Bombshell, her husband we never saw sing, and her special needs child.
6.) It’s Four o’clock Somewhere: Derek is getting SMASHed at the bar and Jimmy doesn’t seem to recognize him. It doesn’t matter that Derek was in the bar last episode with Michael Riedel and Karen Cartwright. Or that Jimmy’s roommate/writing partner who stashes playbills under the bar would have pointed Derek out to him. Remember? Jimmy doesn’t give a shit about anything.
Anyway, Jimmy pours Derek another Jack Daniel’s shot and tells him his shift is over. We know a lunch shift at Table 46 ends at five o’clock, so that means Derek was day drinking…next to a very smart looking businesswoman with two empty martini glasses in front of her. I love this woman. She looks like she works in finance but is drinking in Hell’s Kitchen in the middle of the day. Where’s Ana? Surely that other cocktail belongs to her. No. This mystery lady is on a date with a man that gets insanely jealous, very quickly, and knocks Derek’s lights out. That sets off a SMASHtastic dream sequence involving dancers in black dresses with pink high heels. For those of you that saw Spider-Man 1.0: Turn off the Crazy, you probably shed a reminiscent tear for…
the best cut number in Broadway history.
7.) The G Train: Karen and the gang hop an Astoria bound R train to Queens Plaza, transfer to a Manhattan bound E train, and then switch to a Brooklyn bound G train. All so they can attend some hipster party at Kyle and Jimmy’s loft, where it is so hip and trendy, I grew a pair of Buddy Holly glasses on my face just by looking at it. I also recycled that joke from my twitter feed. #smashtag. Let’s make that trend before the show gets canceled. My mom will be #soyproud.
For those who don’t know what the G train is, it’s the lime green one that connects Queens and Brooklyn. I think it runs twice on weekends. Maybe I’m confusing it with the 7 train… No…wait…The 7 train hasn’t run on weekends since 2008. Whatever. Ana sees Jimmy and remarks, “that’s worth getting on the G train!” No, Ana. Nothing is worth getting on the G train. Not even Broadway. Broadway is not worth getting on the G train. Stay in Manhattan. It’s scary out there.
8.) Karen is Sexy: I don’t know what’s going on at that hipster loft party, but Karen was werking it with Jimmy. Here are a few tips on how to land a guy, Karen Cartwright style (1990’s Julia Roberts better take note):
- Talk about The Strokes. Not because you like the band, but because the band has a sexy, phallic name.
- Talk about singing, when you really mean sex. From here on out, singing is a euphemism for sex.
- Walk around him. Throw your arms in their air. Do a little dance. It’s important to stumble a bit. Not too much. You want him to know that you’re just drunk enough to put out, but not blasted enough to forget what happened the next morning.
- Talk about stretching and warming up your “vocal chords.” He’ll know what you mean…
- In case he isn’t sure you’ve been drinking, talk about finishing your drink.
- This next tip is very important. You need to prove to him that you finished that beer. Beer is high in carbs and men don’t actually think women drink it. We just imagine girls hold beer bottles to impress us. What’s hotter than a woman with a beer? Definitely not a woman with a skinny girl margarita. Those women scare the shit out of us. I digress…
- Finish your beer. Then stand over him and turn the bottle upside down so he knows it’s empty. Make sure your backwash spills all over his crotch. Backwash is very sexy.
- Lean in close to his face… Bend over so you can whisper softly in his ear… And here comes the good part…start singing a Pasek and Paul song. What? Oh…Damn…Karen actually meant singing. I thought she meant sex. Sorry. Sometimes it’s hard for me to read Katharine McPhee’s acting beats.
9.) Braids are Back: I just wanted to acknowledge that Jessica (Savannah Wise) is bringing back Anne of Green Gables hair. That’s all.
10.) Miriam Abramson Doesn’t Give a Shit: The fictional head of the American Theatre Wing did not ask Julia and Tom to speak at the gala. And she wouldn’t. Read her lips, “I. Wouldn’t.” She would, however, allow Megan Hilty to sing a show stopping number from Bombshell, with and introduction from Julia. Why? Because, jokes aside, Megan Hilty is so mind-blowingly awesome at this song that not even a fictional character can deny it. It’s like Miriam Abramson didn’t want anything to do with Team Bombshell until they asked if Ivy could sing. She was probably all, “In your dreams. Oh, wait. You want Megan Hilty to sing? Go right ahead. I’m Team Ivy.”
The one thing bad about “They Just Keep Moving the Line,” is that Ivy actually looks like she was called in last minute. She appears somewhat disheveled. The details are so well executed here that for a moment I thought I was watching Homeland. This is not why we watch SMASH. If SMASH starts giving a shit, then I’ve nowhere to go with this blog. Shape up, SMASH. It’s a long time until May.