SMASH Don’t Give a Shit: “The Producers”

My DVR recorded SMASH. I saw the red light and everything. Then when I pressed, “play” it mysteriously deleted itself. I am telling you, SMASH is trying to evade me.

I love that NBC has mentioned that SMASH is heavily watched by some of the most wealthy viewers in the country, but placed the two hour season finale on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend, when everyone will be partying at Emily Thorne’s beach house in the Hamptons.

Not me, SMASH! I’m on funemployment, so you can throw all the witchcraft you want at my DVR… I have a 64 GB prop from Hit List and a $25 iTunes gift card to burn…

Top 10 Times SMASH Didn’t Give a Shit and Other Things I Loved: “The Producers”

1.) Ivy’s Winesday: The only person more tired than Ivy on her press tour, is ME writing these recaps. There was a time way back in the frozen tundra of MARCH, when a guest appearance by Kathie Lee Gifford would have inspired an entire blog. But how am I supposed to be committed when this episode opens with a fourth hour of the TODAY show that even Hoda called out of?

I guess somewhere between the last two episodes, Bombshell went from being Newsies to Leap of Faith. Eileen is overwerking Ivy by having her do press events before the matinee and two interviews in between shows. Eileen promises Ivy will be backstage for the evening show by half hour, which proved to me that Ivy can take this kind of pressure, for she is surely the first woman in the history of the American Theatre that only needs thirty minutes to get ready.

I’ve deduced that this episode of TODAY was a Winesday. However, Kathie Lee couldn’t even do Ivy a solid by providing her with a fishbowl of alcohol. Nope. The only wine in this episode came in the form of the actual whining happening downtown at Hit List.

2.) That’s Right, Folks. It’s a Hit List Episode: I want to thank everyone for their patience regarding the length it has taken me to publish this recap. But, it was a Hit List episode paired with Ivy narrating a clip show from season four of Will & Grace. “The Producers” gave me a serious case of linguistic constipation. I liken this issue of “SMASH Don’t Give a Shit” to what happens when you push a fart through a clogged colon. No amount of kale chips could evacuate my creative blockage this week. You’ve been warned…

3.) FART!

4.) POOP!

5.) That Awkward Moment When … :

  • My original recap for this episode was just a list of rhetorical questions that started to read like a BroadwayWorld message board thread.
  • Oh my God, is Hit List supposed to be RENT? #MINDBLOWN
  • Julia is now using the actual 180 page version of The Great Gatsby instead of a copy of the hard cover epic she gave Tom last week that I’ve since been calling The Great Gatsby and the Order of the Phoenix.
  • Kyle’s mom was played by Carolee Carmello and/or Marin Mazzie.
  • Carolee Carmello and/or Marin Mazzie did a deliberate caricature of Karen’s parents.
  • Carolee Carmello is involved in Hit List, confirming the show will only receive one Tony nomination.
  • AEA doesn’t fine actors for being late Off-Broadway.
  • Derek Wills did a project that Linda was not the PSM for and the entire thing went to shit.
  • Karen saw Jimmy was cracked out downstage of her, with all the contemporary oozers, but she did the trust fall anyway.
  • Karen sounded like a sack of nickels when she hit the deck.
  • Exactly how many versions of “The Bitch of Living” are in Hit List?

6.) iHit List: Between the La Boheme number in Hit List and the impending production of The Great Gatsby, Scott should just rename his theatre the Baz Luhrmann Werkshop. I don’t doubt that Scott is a fantastic artistic director but how big is his budget? Where did they get the money for twenty iPads? Who charges them at night? Do they have AppleCare Plus on all of those iPads? Maybe the Manhattan Theatre Workshop held a Kickstarter to “enhance production values” like American Psycho.

7.) The Scarves are Back: Y’all, it is finally winter in the SMASHiverse. The scarves this week were putting season one Julia to shame. Sam Strickland’s scarf almost ate his head. Scott saw Sam’s scarf and raised him a sweater. Agnes threw down with a cheetah print that made Daryl Roth go, “I guess I brought a sensible black turtleneck to a gunfight.” In the end, Kevin McCollum proved everyone an amateur by wearing a floor length periwinkle scarf with no sense of irony. #WerkKevinMcCollum

8.) Ana Double Fists It: My favorite part of this entire episode was when Ana spoke to Kyle’s dad about the silk number while drinking out of a red party cup and then point five seconds later, was seen holding a beer. In an episode where lives and relationships were put in jeopardy, it was comforting to have some stability in Ana’s substance abuse problem that nobody seems to take as seriously as Jimmy’s.

9.) Cracked Out Jimmy is My New Best Friend: The only person who drops more truth bombs than Ana is Cracked Out Jimmy. Cracked Out Jimmy is the best thing to happen to SMASH this season. I don’t care what anybody says. Anyone who gets on a bar and basically tells Karen, “you have the emotional complexity of a Trapper Keeper“ then points out how the one genuinely pure character has now suddenly been regressed to a fraggle hussy is “A-OK” in my book.

P.S. Can Cracked Out Jimmy please make an appearance on the NY1 Tony Red Carpet coverage? If you thought those hosts look petrified before, Cracked Out Jimmy will stand their already flown-away hair on end!

10.) Was Kyle Just Hit By a Street Sweeper?: Navigating the New York City streets can be tricky business. Especially in the dark, in the middle of the night, when no cars are around, and you’re distracted by your own angst driven self-indulgent shame spiral.

I firmly believe that if Kyle was checking his Facebook, or something, he wouldn’t have gotten hit by an M60 bus, street sweeper, Chinese food delivery bike, or whatever the hell that was. Look, I don’t know if he actually got hit by anything. For all we know he dodged it. I’ve yet to read any of, BroadwayWorld, All That Chat, or NBC and Josh Safran’s spoilers, so back off!

I digress. I dare you to try walking in New York without looking down at your phone.  I tried it once and tripped three times over the course of twelve blocks. I’m telling you, autopilot saves lives.

Seriously, though. Kyle doesn’t die. I know this! On the downloaded version of the episode (the one that will go on Netflix and DVD for eternity), an instrumental of “The 20th Century Fox Mambo” plays during the credits. Like… Kyle gets hit by a tractor trailer…Black Out…”The 20th Century Fox Mambo.” What kind of sick fuck would make that kind of edit if Kyle was more than just slightly maimed?

Until Next Week…

Take a moment to vote for SMASH in the final round of E ONLINE’S “SAVE ONE SHOW” POLL! SMASH has had an amazing sense of humor when it comes to “SMASH Don’t Give a Shit,” so this is the least we could all do.

I’ve already voted, and this was the kind of sarcasm I was met with…

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  1. Heart

    “Exactly how many versions of “The Bitch of Living” are in Hit List?” —I almost fell out of my chair while reading that!

    Did anyone else think it was funny that when Jimmy was late for the photo shoot they said “he left last night in his costume.” By “costume” do they mean the same leather jacket he wears EVERYWHERE. I’m convinced Jimmy and the character he plays in Hit List are the same person which is just proof Jimmy can’t act if he can’t even play himself. LOL

  2. Andy

    When I voted on the “save one show” poll, my captcha said FEAR. There must be some hidden message we’re all failing to see…

  3. twee

    Even Bombshell episodes thrust Hit List everywhere. Smash IS Hit List. Everyone else just wandered onto the wrong set.

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