The Top 10 Things SMASH Didn’t Get a Chance to NOT Give a Shit About

As the SMASH series finale rapidly approaches, I have been reflecting over the multitude of awesome times the show threw caution, credibility, and Kyle under the bus. Yesterday, I stopped by my second home, the Telsey + Co offices on 43rd street, to visit my fave CSA (Cesar Rocha @clseeyedleap). I was in for a prescreen, so naturally I cleared 4 GBs off my iPad to make room for my sides. As I was thumbing through iBooks, trying to finding the right PDF, Cesar and I started talking about SMASH and what fun story lines he wished he got a chance to cast.

It got us thinking about all the other wonderful elements and events in the world of Broadway that we’ll never see dramatized by SMASH. After I nailed my audition (#dzuh), I hightailed it back to my apartment to anxiously wait for a (212) number to dial my phone, and drafted, in no particular order: The Top 10 Things SMASH Didn’t Get a Chance to NOT Give a Shit About and how I think they would have played out…

1.) Broadway Bares: We certainly know the male ensemble in both Hit List and Bombshell would be all over this shit. I want to see an episode where Karen and Ivy have to deal with not being the center of attention for five minutes. Like, what the fuck would Karen and Ivy do when they find out nobody really gives a shit about girls at Broadway Bares, and they have to stand in the mosh pit drinking vodka out of an Arnold Palmer Snapple bottle? I’m sure Ivy would be happy to support Bobby and Karen would be there for this “Gabe” we’ve heard so much about but have never actually seen. You could also count on Ana reviving her silk number with the folks from Flying Dreams. Never mind, Ana wouldn’t make it passed the tequila toast backstage.

2.) The Great Gatsby: Scott was planning on producing Julia Houston’s adaptation of The Great Gatsby at the Manhattan Theatre Workshop. We’ve already seen Julia pretty much transcribe F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic onto Microsoft Word, so we know the script is totally going to rock. However, considering that Scott went nuts at the Sharper Image and pretty much blew his budget on Hit List‘s Jumbotron, I can’t imagine there being much money left over to fund a fully realized production of Gatsby. Also, you know that after spending $18 to see Baz Luhrmann’s epic 3D version of The Great Gatsby this summer, everyone is going to totally want to drop $70 on a bare bones production in the East Village, with nine cast members and one actress that plays Jordan, Myrtle, and Drunk Girl at a Party.

3.) Chicago Flyer Girls: I’d have liked a new cast member added would prefer her to be one of those red-tights-wearing girls who hand out flyers for Chicago in Times Square. They are fabulous. It could be 90 degrees, 40 below, Superstorm Sandy, or Blizzard Athena, and these fierce bitches would still be werking those Capezios outside the Palace Theatre. I want to see a Chicago Flyer Girl bust her ass all season just to get her Equity card at the Paper Mill Playhouse on the finale. But, knowing SMASH, our Sickeld Footed Someone would probably bang Derek in S3E2 and end up replacing Karen in Hit List by S3E4 because we all know Karen would have been Daisy in The Great Gatsby. Ugh. Am I right? I mean, it don’t get more muse-ie than Daisy Buchanan.

4.) Broadway Softball League: After the Tonys are done, what other competition can we stir up between #TeamIvyBombshell and #TeamKarenHitList? The Broadway Softball League would be a great opportunity for SMASH to explain to America what “calling out” is, after Karen gets Simon Birch-ed in the nose by a foul tip off Ivy’s bat. This could be a fun bonding episode for the entire cast to partake in, but I’d bet in the SMASHiverse, softball would be played on a gridiron with a basketball, two soccer nets, and a golden snitch.

5.) Gypsy of the Year: In S3E5 of SMASH, entitled: “The Gypsy of the Year,” the entire conflict could have been Eileen trying to stop Jen Cody and Don Richard from being the best thing to ever happen to these BC/EFA events (besides, of course, the charity raised). I would be extremely satisfied with the entire episode just being Ms. Cody as Little Sally and Mr. Richard as Officer Lockstock, grilling the SMASHiverse. There would be no need for a “SMASH Don’t Give a Shit” that week. I can’t compete with that.

6.) Broadway in Bryant Park: This concert takes place during the SWASS-tastic dog days of summer and more often than not, showcases the talent of the understudies because the stars can’t be bothered to attend. I’d love to see SMASH’s take on Broadway in Bryant Park, because they could have given two shits about establishing understudies this season and it would be amusing to watch them figure this one out.

7.) A Strike: Stagehands and musicians have gone on strike in the last ten years. Can you imagine if SMASH staged an Actors’ Equity strike? LOL. That would be the biggest case of #SMASHisSoUnrealistic ever. If you would like further proof that AEA will never strike, just take a look at the following national touring statistics:

2000: Producers = Lots of Money!         Actors = Lots of Money!

2008: Producers = Lots of Money!         Actors = No Money!

2013: Producers = Lots of Money!         Actors = LOL.

Happy 100th Birthday, Actors’ Equity Association!

8.) Bored on Broadway: If season three was all about the cast moving on to other shows, I’d like to see Bobby stay stuck in Bombshell. We could see Bobby struggle with the boredom of a long run on Broadway. Being locked into a long run is like the worst thing to happen to a chorus member ever. Jumping from show to show is ideal. Long runs are the kiss of death. People who stay in Mamma Mia and Jersey Boys for ten years just to buy apartments have the wrong priorities. I can just see Bobby being like, “Jessica gets to do The House Bunny: the musical and I’m still in Bombshell. It’s been like SIX MONTHS. I’m. SO. BOOORED!”

9.) Broadway Barks: Leigh Conroy adopts a dog from Bernadette Peters.

10.) I.A.T.S.E.: I don’t believe we ever saw an IATSE member in a single episode of SMASH. Probably because every member of Local One would need to be paid four hours minimum just for being mentioned on the show. And that is why IATSE members are some of the most awesome people you’ll ever meet.

 

4 comments

  1. Tim

    Hilarious as always but nary a mention of Jimmy Collins? What’s up with that? Wouldn’t he do a “special number” for Broadway Bares?

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