What an incredible Broadway season, right?! So many Hamilton! Hamilton think pieces! Hamilton jokes! Hamilton memes! Hamilton Hamilton! Since the moment Hamilton opened at the Public on January 20th, 1997, it has just been one awesome and crazy ride to the 70th Annual Tony Awards.
Wow. Has Tony time for Hamilton come already? I mean, thank goodness Jeffrey Seller coaxed Harvey Weinstein into locking down Radio City this month so that the Tonys had to bump a week to the Beacon, thus adding an extra seven days of cultural relevance for the juggernaut. Alas, unfortunately it is finally the moment for the Event of the Century to climb atop the Iron Thrown, and then go gently into that dark night, to make way for future artistic triumphs of the American Theatre such as the revival of Motown.
OK! Grab several of your favorite drinks (pour one out for every member of the original cast of Hamilton who left the production before the Tony Awards) because it’s time to slam a few back for Ham! #Slam4Ham.
You might remember some of these rules from 2015’s Somedrink Rotten, 2014’s A Drinker’s Guide… and 2013’s Drinky Boots, and I’m not even ashamed to recycle them (or the rest of this sentence) because there were literally nine hundred theatre award ceremonies this year, and I’ve already forgotten which one I’m currently writing about.
As per usual, all rules apply to what is happening on screen, through social media, or wherever you are viewing it.. Unless otherwise specified, drink when:
- You hear the words: “live theatre”
- Hamilton wins something (Drink WATER. Remember: Tonight is a marathon, not a sprint. The only way I can assure that all of you will remain hydrated is by instilling this mandatory rule that requires everyone to drink water every six to seven minutes).
- A winner thanks God in their acceptance speech (take one drink for them, and one for the latest national tragedy that God didn’t get a chance to stop because He was too busy helping that person win a Tony).
- You roll your eyes.
- A moment is so awkward, your butthole literally clenches.
- Someone tweets something and then deletes it.
- Lin-Manuel raps while not in a costume (Again, drink WATER).
- Jennifer EFFING Simard.
- The sound doesn’t work (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
- There is a technical issue (again, drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night and they haven’t been at this venue since Once).
- Someone says the entire title of Shuffle Along without stumbling (take a shot).
- CBS celebrity!
- Who is that CBS celebrity I don’t watch CBS!
- A producer of an un-nominated show buys air time.
- Fans of a nominated show are tricked into buying air time.
- Someone spells it Tony’s. #unfriend.
- Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber drags a diva.
- Someone uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form. That includes ironically.
- An award is presented that was left out of last year’s telecast because it wasn’t Hamilton (take one shot for Lisa Kron and two for Jeanine Tesori).
- Something happens with the plays.
- Cynthia Erivo does Jack Palance-style one armed pushups when she wins.
- A kid from School of Rock quits the business midway through their performance because it’s the 27th time they’ve done “You’re in the Band” this week.
- You see someone you know on stage.
- You get bitterly jealous of said person.
- You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there (drink at your own risk).
- Streisand appears after 46 years to make us all OK with her doing the new Gypsy movie and Broadway Internet collectively shits itself.
#SLAM4HAM: If someone or something beats Hamilton in any category, grab the bottle nearest to you, slam it back until it’s finished, and then run streaking through the streets until daybreak.
Remember to always drink cautiously, but unapologetically.