Peter Pan: LIVE! is coming to NBC. I am so happy this shit is happening again. I love America.
On December 4th, high atop a plywood pirate ship in Bethpage, Long Island, Peter Pan: LIVE! will Fly-by-Foy itself right onto our TV sets, “from the people who brought you The Sound of Music: LIVE!” If you follow Craig Zadan and Neil Meron on Twitter, you might be aware that they also brought us the 2013 and 2014 Academy Awards. For Neil and Craig, every day is a Throwback Thursday to their careers. (Unless it involves Smash. It’s like that only happened to us.)
Just like last year, I want nothing more than for this theatrical venture of NBC’s to be a huge hit and return annually. It’s great for our industry, employs a lot of people, blah, blah, blah. Furthermore, everyone continues to get sentimental about their childhood and loves proclaiming that if this event can pique kids’ interest in theatre, it’ll all be worth it. To that I say, for every child in America that is inspired by Peter Pan: LIVE! there’s a child actor in the Tri-State area sipping four-fingers worth of Jack Daniel’s while muttering, “These Lost Boys are forty fucking years old.”
NOW! Grab your favorite beverage, pour one out for the “Mysterious Lady,” it’s time to get UGG-A-WASTED!
PRE-GAME: take a shot in honor of every actor friend you know who is live tweeting or Facebooking this event on a Thursday night at 8pm, because it probably means they’re unemployed.
NOTE: I trust you’ll be surrounded by friends either in person, on social media, or both, so some of these rules pertain to you and those around you, as well as what you’ll be viewing on screen.
UNLESS OTHERWISE SPECIFIED, DRINK WHEN*…
- you’re like, “where the fuck is Laura Benanti?”
- a set piece breaks or malfunctions.
- some guy you know comments about how he looks like Allison Williams as Peter Pan (finish your drink if you look like Allison Williams as Peter Pan).
- someone, or Lena Dunham, tweets that we should be nice.
- you roll your eyes at something.
- there are sound problems.
- something homoerotic happens (unintentional or intentional – use caution).
- someone still doesn’t understand that Peter is always played by a woman.
- you’re just as confused because Mr. Darling isn’t supposed to play Smee.
- the camera cuts to an actor who is not really paying attention.
- sassy Mermaids.
- sassy Pirates.
- really sassy Lost Boys.
- Curly the Lost Boy does a random, non-character driven turn sequence.
- CHRISTOPHER WALKEN.
- there’s a song that doesn’t belong in the show.
- you’re like, “they kept ‘Lonely Goatherd’ in the bedroom scene to remain authentic to the original The Sound of Music, but this year it’s like a fucking free-for-all.”
- there’s uncomfortable silence.
- an actor means to look at the superimposed, computer generated Tinker Bell, but she’s located on a different area of the screen.
- a word is changed to be politically correct.
- there are dialect issues (take a shot if it’s a Lost Boy drifting in and out of a Newsie accent).
- one of your friends says, “I was in finals for this.” (if you were in finals for this, keep drinking until the next commercial break because do you know how much those nuns made last year?)
- NBC stamps an awkward hashtag at the bottom of the screen. #Pray4Tink
- someone in the cast is phoning it in like they are doing an open ended run.
- you’re like, “I’m not surprised that person got cast.”
- Nana walks away with the show like Audra.
- Michael walks away with the show like Benanti.
*or you can ignore all of these rules and just drink for every Cathy Rigby revival tour.
To conclude, W.C. Fields famously said, “Never work with animals or children.” In the first 45 minutes of Peter Pan: LIVE!, Allison Williams will have to play opposite two slick kids and a real dog that’s been expertly trained by the great Bill Berloni. Let’s all drink once for Ms. Williams.