Is it Oscars time again already? I guess the absence of Les Miserables has left me feeling about a half-step below pitch. It was hard connecting to this year’s films. How could anyone top the vocal pyrotechnics of Russell Crowe? Would someone be brave enough to take a bite from the cherry on top of Anne Hathaway’s proverbial vegan sundae and become the new face of Annoying Actor Friend? The outlook was grim.
Then something magical happened. “Let it Go.” This year’s winter anthem challenged all of us to out-annoy each other. Everyone and their mom did a cover of “Let it Go.” Even my aunt did a version with backup by the Gay Men’s Chorus of Fresno featuring Shaggy. That shit was everywhere, and no cover was immune to incessant sharing. Never was there a song title more self-referential than LET IT GO.
Don’t get me wrong! I’m glad “Let it Go” happened. I’m excited we’re entering a Menken/Ashman-esque renaissance for Disney. I’m also kinda happy we didn’t have this technology twenty years ago, because my pop-cover of “Arabian Nights” is safely buried inside my elementary school time capsule, and not immortalized on YouTube.
Anyway, thank you “Let it Go” for being the most anticipated Oscars performance since Céline Dion slapped the shit out of her chest. Now! It’s time to grab your ice, blender, booze and general disregard for any responsibilities you may have Monday morning. Let’s get started!
- The show opens with some manic musical number.
- Ellen does anything in the audience.
- You see a Rob Ashford dancer (use caution).
- You or one of your friends says, “Ugh. Really?”
- Pink doesn’t do silks.
- Someone posts about Pink with the following words: #werk. #diva. #mindblown.
- Anyone says #werk in response to anything.
- Warning: Bette Midler is going to sing and people are going to post a lot about it, so in the best interest of your liver, drink water when that happens because it’s a long night and this awards show includes shit from Frozen and Judy Garland.
- Someone really fucking random busts out an insane skill you never knew they had that makes you feel really untalented. And fat.
- When U2 performs, raise your glass and toast the gentlemen responsible for “Deeply Furious.” Drink once for Arachne and pour one out for the shoes and the gaping hole Spider-Man‘s absence has left in my heart.
- This show is produced by Crag Zadan and Neil Meron. So take a shot whenever something Broadway happens. Take two shots if there is a joke about The Sound of Music Live and three shots if someone plugs Peter Pan Live.
- “Let it Go” happens. (Drink once for Idina. Once for the Swarvoski Crystal set. Once for the boost in the If/Then box office advance. Once for every GIF worthy moment. And once for The Little Mermaid, because that has to be a reason why anyone over 25 is obsessed with this.)
- There is a tribute to The Wizard of Oz. (I’m not suggesting to bring prescription drugs to your viewing party, but I’m not NOT suggesting it either.)
- Someone posts a meme from an earlier moment of the show.
- Anne Hathaway! (Finish your drink! Pour another! Finish it! She’s back! Celebrate! It Came True!)
In closing, I’d like to acknowledge that nine Best Picture nominees is a bit douchey. Not everyone is #blessed with bountiful SAG screeners like I am. Some actors have to actually pay for tickets to things! So, in case you missed them, here is my take on the films that will be center stage on Hollywood’s biggest night…
Annoying Actor Friend’s Nominees for Best Picture
The incredible documentary uncovering the truth behind the college theatre conservatory circuit.
After an unexpected complete turnover of her cast, Dance Captain Haley Phillips must put-in sixteen ensemble members in two weeks.
DALLAS BUYERS CLUB
When producing their own productions becomes too costly, Dallas Summer Musicals decides to shop in shows from other regional theaters.
After receiving all of his requests for positive vibes, one actor experiences what it is like to live life on Cloud Nine.
One girl’s quest to prove to her friends that the role she didn’t book was between her and the girl who got it.
To qualify for Tier D, the Kinky Boots tour must sit down for four weeks in Omaha.
12 YEARS A SLAVE
The extraordinary true story of one man’s struggle to accumulate 50 EMC points.
THE WOLF OF WALL STREET
The epic tale of a stockbroker’s attempt to keep his day job while playing the Wolf in his community theatre’s production of Into the Woods.
Um. I’ve got nothing for this.