It’s officially time for the 2013 Tony Awards! More importantly, it’s another time of the year when every publication makes an awards show drinking game, and if you thought I’d be the exception to the rule, then LOL to you.

As a matter of fact, you owe this drinking game’s existence to one Ryan James Breslin (@bresident22) of Newsies, who naturally assumed I’d be writing one and tweeted me about it on Friday evening…

@bresident22: I trust you’ll be making a drinking game for us to play on Sunday.

@Actor_Friend: Shit! I’ve been so busy with Tonys rehearsals, gym, Broadway Bares, writing a book, eight shows a week, gym… I didn’t even think of making fun of the only nationally televised event that attempts to give our industry relevance!

So here goes!

The bar may have been set a little lower this year, so that means we will all need to set our budget at the actual bar a little higher. Unless otherwise specified, drink whenever…

• You hear the words: “live theatre”
• Someone makes a joke about how people on Broadway are gay. LOL!
• Someone makes a joke that will fly right over all the heads in the fly over states.
• Neil Patrick Harris mentions Cristin Milioti.
• A winner reads their speech off a piece of paper. (because memorizing 2+ hours of dialogue is not nearly as hard as a thirty second speech)
• Judith Light. Because she’s the boss.
• Someone performs a skill that you can’t learn in a conservatory but have to acquire at Chelsea Piers, Clown College, or Hogwarts.
• A winner thanks God in their acceptance speech. (take one drink for them. and one for the latest national tragedy that God didn’t get a chance to stop because He was too busy helping that person win a Tony)
• The sound doesn’t work. (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night)
• There is a technical issue. (again, drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night)
• Matilda does a number from Spring Awakening.
• Someone performs, presents, or wins, and is under the age of 23.
• Hollywood celebrity!
• Drag queens.
• A Tony winner uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form.
• You actually figure out where the Kinky Boots Angels are stashing their penises.
• You see someone you know on stage.
• You get bitterly jealous of said person.
• Anytime a moment is so awkward, your butthole literally clenches. (i.e. Brooke Shields’ lyric flub. Frances McDormand’s denim jacket)
• Teen Angel wins a Tony Award.
• Small Town Sandy wins a Tony Award.
• There is some kind of SMASH dig made.
• You see someone onstage who got that part over you. (drink one for you and one for your homies)
• You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there. (drink at your own risk)

BONUS for those #blessed enough to have Time Warner Cable and access to the NY1 Red Carpet coverage…

• Frank DiLella speaks with a sing-songy cadence.
• Roma Torre has fly away hair.
• Donna Karger gets starstruck.
• Any of them say they are going to, “toss it back to…”