The Sound of Music: LIVE! is coming to NBC. You know what that means? ALCOHOL!!! Whenever another theatrically themed television event roles around, I get a warm-wollen-mittens feeling deep within my heart because I know it’s time for another shameless excuse to drink and complain about my friends and my career choices!
On December 5th, high atop a plywood hilltop in Bethpage, Long Island, The Sound of Music: LIVE! will Julie-Andrews-spin itself right onto our TV sets, “from the people who brought you SMASH!” I love NBC for letting their audience know just where to set their expectations. Talk about bringing up shit that everyone involved with The Sound of Music: LIVE! is probably trying to disassociate themselves from. I mean, that’s like booking a plane ticket to Japan and getting a confirmation email that says, “From the people who brought you Pearl Harbor!”
I want nothing more than for this theatrical venture of NBC’s to be a huge hit and an annual event. It’s great for our industry, employs a lot of people, blah, blah, blah. Furthermore, everyone seems to be getting really sentimental about their childhood and proclaiming that if this event can pique kids’ interest in theatre, it’ll all be worth it. To that I say, for every child in Middle America that is inspired by The Sound of Music: LIVE! there’s a kid in the Tri-State area sipping four-fingers worth of Jack Daniel’s while muttering, “How the fuck did I not get an appointment for this?”
Now, without further adieu – to you, and you, and you (I’m sorry. I hate me too, because that was a stretch), I give you the rules for the Annoying Actor Friend’s “The Sound of Music: LIVE!” Drinking Game…
PRE-GAME: take a shot in honor of everyone you know who is live tweeting or Facebooking the event on a Thursday night at 8pm because it probably means they’re unemployed.
I trust you’ll be surrounded by friends either in person, on social media, or both, so some of these rules pertain to you and those around you as well as what you’ll be viewing on screen. Unless otherwise specified, drink when..
- Maria twirls on a mountain or performs some other Julie Andrews-ism to indicate to the world, “OK. You got what you wanted. Now shut-the-fuck-up and let us do the damn show.”
- whenever #blessed or any form of the word #bless is uttered on camera. Half of this musical takes place in a church, so pace yourself.
- something makes you mad.
- a set piece breaks.
- NBC throws an awkward hashtag at the bottom of the screen. #ANSCHLUSS
- finish your drink whenever a cast member is introduced who wasn’t alive when Carrie Underwood won American Idol.
- the moment it hits you that this Rolf or Liesl are now going to book everything over you.
- and then someone is like, “How old is the guy playing Rolf?”
- you wish Audra was playing Maria.
- a non-theatrical person is like, “Elsa sings?”
- you wish Audra was playing the Captain.
- sound problems.
- you wish Audra was playing Herr Zeller.
- the Ländler becomes a ballroom competition.
- you wish Audra was all of it. the entire show.
- raise a glass and drink for that one party guest (Baroness Elberfeld) who everyone usually plays as a fall-down-drunk. drink twice if the actress misses this opportunity.
- do a shot whenever someone giggles or comments about the name Gay-org.
- dialect issues.
- the camera makes an awkward cut to an actor who is not really paying attention.
- someone in the cast is phoning it in like they are doing an open ended run.
- you’re like, “I’m not surprised that person got cast.”
- the performance ends and you think it wasn’t half bad and that Carrie Underwood was actually kind of good – finish all the drinks and then call your friends because you need to meet them at a bar and discuss these impure thoughts you’re having. While you’re at the bar, feel free to order the following drink:
The evening’s signature cocktail is not some yuppie drink served with jam and bread. It has seven hardcore ingredients – one to represent each of the von Trapp children. Anyone who has ever done The Sound of Music knows that that’s the amount of alcohol it takes to survive a five show weekend with that many children. Specifically the “Martas.” They’re the worst.
Liesl (1.5 oz of Tequila): The oldest von Trapp child is one bad-ass chick. Obviously she’s drinking tequila. This spirit can be sipped nicely if it’s a fine añejo being consumed by someone dignified, but let’s be serious, Liesl is the girl with a shot of Cuervo Gold on the side of that drink at Blockheads that has a beer upside-down in a margarita. She needs something stiff if she’s going to have to listen to Rolf belittle her for a verse AND a chorus before she finally gets a chance to whore it up with him.
Friedrich (1.5 oz of Vodka): The oldest von Trapp son gets the esteemed acclaim of representing the most neutral and non-confrontational liquor known to man. Vodka is Friedrich in a nutshell. It can be mixed into anything without disrupting the flavor, and something tells me Friedrich is going to be really into Cosmos one day.
Louisa (1.5 oz of Triple Sec): This orange flavored liquor is often the forgotten ingredient that you need for most drinks. You need triple sec to make a margarita like you need Louisa to complete the solfège in “Do-Re-Mi.” After that, triple sec pretty much just sits on your bar pissed off about how it isn’t tequila.
Kurt (1.5 oz of White Rum): White rum has always been a bit of a question mark, and so is Kurt.
Brigitta (1.5 oz of Gin): In the stage version of The Sound of Music, Brigitta is the one who tells Maria to get her shit together and not be such a fucking dumb-ass for being oblivious of the Captain’s attraction to her. Only a seasoned gin drinker is capable of that kind of awareness at nine years old. Brigitta fucking rocks.
Marta (2.5 oz of Lemon Juice): If I were Marta, I’d be fucking sour too. I think she has one cute line about a pink parasol before Maria literally tells the Captain she knows shit about his sixth child. Marta then spends the rest of the show not being Gretl.
Gretl (A Dash of Coca-Cola): Jesus, people. She’s five years old. I’m not a monster.
Mix the ingredients in a glass and serve over ice. In case you’re wondering, yes, you just made a Long Island Iced Tea. This TV special is literally being filmed in LONG ISLAND.