What an incredible Broadway season, right?! We were gifted with so many new musicals that didn’t want to open in the same season as Hamilton crammed into every possible open theatre, we’re going to have to wait an entire year for Escape to Margaritaville.
The industry term for this season is “packed,” but I prefer to call it a “baby rattlesnake” season. Because… Okay, you know how baby rattlesnakes can’t control their venom when they bite, so they just let it all out at once? That’s what happened this year. The moment Lin-Manuel walked off of the Beacon stage, literally every show waiting in the wings bum-rushed the theatre district faster than a Panic! at the Disco fan can exit during curtain call at Kinky Boots. Broadway baby-rattlesnaked. This is what a post-Hamilton Broadway season looks like: we let it all out at once, and there’s venom everywhere.
But, hey! More shows means more opportunities to be drunk! SO, grab several of your favorite drinks (and pour one out for the elderly lady who dropped her sippy-cup cocktail off the balcony and into the orchestra the night I saw A Doll’s House, Part 2) because it’s time to get COME FROM AWAYSTED.
You might remember some of these rules from 2016’s #SLAM4HAM, 2015’s Somedrink Rotten, 2014’s A Drinker’s Guide… and 2013’s Drinky Boots, and I’m not even ashamed to recycle them because drinking games aren’t born, they’re made.
As per usual, all rules apply to what is happening on screen, through social media, or wherever you are viewing it.. Unless otherwise specified, drink when:
- You hear the words: “live theatre”
- You roll your eyes.
- A moment is so awkward, your butthole literally clenches.
- Someone tweets something and then deletes it.
- Someone says they’re thankful that Hamilton wasn’t nominated.
- The sound doesn’t work (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
- There is a technical issue (again, drink cautiously because the stage is big).
- Someone cries boogers.
- You cry boogers.
- Someone on social media makes a brave and unique comment about Kevin Spacey’s sexuality (take a shot if it includes a reference to one or more Newsies).
- CBS celebrity!
- Who is that CBS celebrity I don’t watch CBS!
- A producer of an un-nominated show buys air time.
- Politics ruins the telecast.
- Various cast members from the revival of Hello, Dolly! appear to be inconvenienced by the Tony Awards.
- Accents and dialects!
- Someone spells it “Tony’s.”
- The camera cuts to Glenn Close during the performance from War Paint (take a shot).
- The camera cuts to Patti LuPone when an award is presented by Glenn Close (finish the bottle).
- LAURIE METCALF.
- Someone uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form. That includes ironically.
- The theatre community congratulates itself on the new Golden Age of Broadway by welcoming to the stage a star from Hollywood.
- Knee braces!
- There is an inappropriate close up during a large production number.
- Sydney Lucas comes back to show Scott Rudin that it is possible to fill the stage at Radio City.
- An award that was aired during last year’s telecast is left out this year because it wasn’t Hamilton.
- Something happens with the plays.
- Michael Greif wins a Tony Award for not using scaffolding.
- You see someone you know on stage.
- You get bitterly jealous of said person.
- You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there (drink at your own risk).
- Ben Platt loses to Moonlight.
Remember to always drink cautiously, but unapologetically.