Category Archives: TONYS

I DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING THIS SEASON: Annoying Actor Friend’s 2019 Tony Awards Drinking Game

In January, I tweeted about seeing Waitress for the second time in thirty days and someone responded: “Oh wow, people who live in New York can just casually go to a Broadway show whenever they want.” This struck a chord with me because it’s been a minute since I lived (like most of the people in the world) without the privilege of access to a Broadway show. So, as an experiment, I decided to spend the rest of the season getting back in touch with the days before I lived in New York by not seeing any theatre in 2019 and not because NOBODY I KNOW OFFERED ME COMPS.

That’s not to say I didn’t want to see any theatre this year (I would drop mad cash to watch the puppet from King Kong do the entirety of Mike Birbiglia’s The New One), I just found myself in circumstances where theatre didn’t want me to see it. But thanks to Broadway Internet, I feel like I have a pretty good idea what this season was all about:

1.) It’s amazing compared to last season, which was dragged by the Tonys because there were three commercial titles nominated for best musical, but this season only has three. 2.) Nobody has bothered or cared to learn that the “Tall Man/Boy” in Hadestown has a name and it’s Timothy Hughes. 3.) Billy Porter is about to EGOT in red carpet.

All caught up!

SO! Grab your favorite drink(s) and toast the Tony administration committee for awarding the great Marin Mazzie with a posthumous Tony Award and then pour one out for all of us because tonight is also the season premiere of Big Little Lies; it’s time to get SHA-WASTIES-Town!

THE RULES:

You might remember some of these rules from previous years and I’m not even ashamed to recycle them or the following joke for the third year in a row because drinking games aren’t born, they’re made. (Look, there’s a lot of support for white male mediocrity on Broadway and this drinking game is no exception.)

As per usual, all rules apply to what is happening on screen, through social media, or wherever you are viewing it… Unless otherwise specified, DRINK WHEN:

  • You hear the words: “live theatre” or “community”
  • The sound doesn’t work (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
  • There is a technical issue (again, drink cautiously because the stage is big).
  • Celia Keenan-Bolger finally wins a Tony Award for playing a child.
  • CBS celebrity!
  • Who is that CBS celebrity I don’t watch CBS!
  • You somehow get into a Twitter fight with a fan of Be More Chill.
  • LAURIE METCALF.
  • Anyone uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form. That includes ironically.
  • Tootsie starts to feel like a show that thinks the T in LGBT stands for Tootsie.
  • You remember that thank god Camille A. Brown is nominated this year.
  • Something happens with the plays.
  • You roll your eyes.
  • James Corden makes us watch carpool karaoke for six minutes and then acceptance speeches get cut off early.
  • A producer of an un-nominated show buys air time.
  • You remember that The Boys in the Band was this season.
  • You remember that Frankie and Johnny is next season.
  • There is a show about theatre celebrating theatre.
  • Someone tweets something and then deletes it.
  • Someone spells it “Tony’s.”
  • The Prom performs a dance number from Mean Girls.
  • You zone out during a speech and randomly remember how awesome Michelle Williams was in Fosse/Verdon.
  • A male choreographer misunderstands what is appropriate to make a woman do in heels.
  • THE TEMPTATIONS!
  • Someone not in The Cher Show does a bad Cher impression as a bit.
  • You’re a person who says “This Oklahoma! fucks” even though it’s still a musical with a title that ends in an exclamation point.
  • There is an inappropriate close-up during a large production number.
  • Bonnie Milligan appears in a montage and the audience cheers louder than it has the entire night.
  • You see someone you know on stage.
  • You get bitterly jealous of said person.
  • You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there (drink at your own risk).
  • Hadestown loses to Green Book.

Remember to always drink cautiously, but unapologetically.

#SLAM4HAM: Annoying Actor Friend’s 2016 Tony Awards Drinking Game

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What an incredible Broadway season, right?! So many Hamilton! Hamilton think pieces! Hamilton jokes! Hamilton memes! Hamilton Hamilton! Since the moment Hamilton opened at the Public on January 20th, 1997, it has just been one awesome and crazy ride to the 70th Annual Tony Awards.

Wow. Has Tony time for Hamilton come already? I mean, thank goodness Jeffrey Seller coaxed Harvey Weinstein into locking down Radio City this month so that the Tonys had to bump a week to the Beacon, thus adding an extra seven days of cultural relevance for the juggernaut. Alas, unfortunately it is finally the moment for the Event of the Century to climb atop the Iron Thrown, and then go gently into that dark night, to make way for future artistic triumphs of the American Theatre such as the revival of Motown.

OK! Grab several of your favorite drinks (pour one out for every member of the original cast of Hamilton who left the production before the Tony Awards) because it’s time to slam a few back for Ham! #Slam4Ham.

THE RULES:

You might remember some of these rules from 2015’s Somedrink Rotten, 2014’s A Drinker’s Guide… and 2013’s Drinky Boots, and I’m not even ashamed to recycle them (or the rest of this sentence) because there were literally nine hundred theatre award ceremonies this year, and I’ve already forgotten which one I’m currently writing about.

As per usual, all rules apply to what is happening on screen, through social media, or wherever you are viewing it.. Unless otherwise specified, drink when:

  • You hear the words: “live theatre”
  • Hamilton wins something (Drink WATER. Remember: Tonight is a marathon, not a sprint. The only way I can assure that all of you will remain hydrated is by instilling this mandatory rule that requires everyone to drink water every six to seven minutes).
  • A winner thanks God in their acceptance speech (take one drink for them, and one for the latest national tragedy that God didn’t get a chance to stop because He was too busy helping that person win a Tony).
  • You roll your eyes.
  • A moment is so awkward, your butthole literally clenches.
  • Someone tweets something and then deletes it.
  • Lin-Manuel raps while not in a costume (Again, drink WATER).
  • Jennifer EFFING Simard.
  • The sound doesn’t work (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
  • There is a technical issue (again, drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night and they haven’t been at this venue since Once).
  • Someone says the entire title of Shuffle Along without stumbling (take a shot).
  • CBS celebrity!
  • Who is that CBS celebrity I don’t watch CBS!
  • A producer of an un-nominated show buys air time.
  • Fans of a nominated show are tricked into buying air time.
  • Pies.
  • Someone spells it Tony’s. #unfriend.
  • Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber drags a diva.
  • Someone uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form. That includes ironically.
  • An award is presented that was left out of last year’s telecast because it wasn’t Hamilton (take one shot for Lisa Kron and two for Jeanine Tesori).
  • Something happens with the plays.
  • Cynthia Erivo does Jack Palance-style one armed pushups when she wins.
  • A kid from School of Rock quits the business midway through their performance because it’s the 27th time they’ve done “You’re in the Band” this week.
  • You see someone you know on stage.
  • You get bitterly jealous of said person.
  • You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there (drink at your own risk).
  • Streisand appears after 46 years to make us all OK with her doing the new Gypsy movie and Broadway Internet collectively shits itself.
  • Banjos.

#SLAM4HAM: If someone or something beats Hamilton in any category, grab the bottle nearest to you, slam it back until it’s finished, and then run streaking through the streets until daybreak.

Remember to always drink cautiously, but unapologetically.

6 Roles Audra Would Have Won a Tony Award for This Season

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It’s the middle of Tonys season, do you know where Audra McDonald is?

Last year, Ms. McDonald made Tony history with her sixth win for Lady Day at Emerson’s Bar & Grill. That’s great and all, but WHY STOP THERE. I admire and respect all the nominated actors and productions this year, the season could have used a little Audra, and here are a few examples of where she would have landed herself six more Tonys…

1.) The Title Role in The Audience: While I’m sure she was transcendent in all the productions she saw this season, Audra would definitely win the Tony for watching Helen Mirren — because I’d watch that.

2.) The Dog in The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time: I didn’t get papered into this play, so I haven’t seen it. However, I am certain there is a dog in it and I’m curious what Audra could have done with the part. We haven’t seen her take home the Tony for playing a literal animal yet, and this would have been a great opportunity for her to show us some real acting “chops” because dogs, specifically, like chops of meat.

3.) Tyrone in Hand to God: Steve Boyer is performing in eight shows a week, playing two different roles. By laws of science, he’s technically doing sixteen performances in the same amount of time it takes Alex Sharp to do six. Maybe some of the pressure could have been taken off of Mr. Boyer by casting Audra in the role of Tyrone. We haven’t seen her take home the Tony for playing a literal puppet yet, and Best Featured Actor in a Play is one of the only categories she hasn’t won. I think.

4.) The Delivery Woman in Fun Home: This role isn’t even in the show. They only reference her through song. I just think Audra and Jeanine Tesori should work together.

5.) Anne Hathaway in Something Rotten!: Few people remember that before The Princess Diaries, Anne Hathaway was simply the name of William Shakespeare’s wife. Not a word is spoken about Anne Hathaway in Something Rotten! and my only guess as to why not, is because Audra was unavailable. Can’t you just picture her belting out a hauntingly tragic and soaring act two ballad where she struggles with whether or not to stay with Shakespeare because he’s a major douche? Ugh. Just give her the Tony now.

6.) Harvey Weinstein in Finding Neverland: If Audra were playing Harvey Weinstein this entire time, things would have been much different.

DRINKY BOOTS: Annoying Actor Friend’s 2013 Tonys Drinking Game

It’s officially time for the 2013 Tony Awards! More importantly, it’s another time of the year when every publication makes an awards show drinking game, and if you thought I’d be the exception to the rule, then LOL to you.

As a matter of fact, you owe this drinking game’s existence to one Ryan James Breslin (@bresident22) of Newsies, who naturally assumed I’d be writing one and tweeted me about it on Friday evening…

@bresident22: I trust you’ll be making a drinking game for us to play on Sunday.

@Actor_Friend: Shit! I’ve been so busy with Tonys rehearsals, gym, Broadway Bares, writing a book, eight shows a week, gym… I didn’t even think of making fun of the only nationally televised event that attempts to give our industry relevance!

So here goes!

The bar may have been set a little lower this year, so that means we will all need to set our budget at the actual bar a little higher. Unless otherwise specified, drink whenever…

  • You hear the words: “live theatre”
  • Someone makes a joke about how people on Broadway are gay. LOL!
  • Someone makes a joke that will fly right over all the heads in the fly over states.
  • Neil Patrick Harris mentions Cristin Milioti.
  • A winner reads their speech off a piece of paper. (because memorizing 2+ hours of dialogue is not nearly as hard as a thirty second speech)
  • Judith Light. Because she’s the boss.
  • Someone performs a skill that you can’t learn in a conservatory but have to acquire at Chelsea Piers, Clown College, or Hogwarts.
  • A winner thanks God in their acceptance speech. (take one drink for them. and one for the latest national tragedy that God didn’t get a chance to stop because He was too busy helping that person win a Tony)
  • The sound doesn’t work. (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night)
  • There is a technical issue. (again, drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night)
  • Matilda does a number from Spring Awakening.
  • Someone performs, presents, or wins, and is under the age of 23.
  • Hollywood celebrity!
  • Drag queens.
  • A Tony winner uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form.
  • You actually figure out where the Kinky Boots Angels are stashing their penises.
  • You see someone you know on stage.
  • You get bitterly jealous of said person.
  • Anytime a moment is so awkward, your butthole literally clenches. (i.e. Brooke Shields’ lyric flub. Frances McDormand’s denim jacket)
  • Teen Angel wins a Tony Award.
  • Small Town Sandy wins a Tony Award.
  • There is some kind of SMASH dig made.
  • You see someone onstage who got that part over you. (drink one for you and one for your homies)
  • You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there. (drink at your own risk)

BONUS for those #blessed enough to have Time Warner Cable and access to the NY1 Red Carpet coverage…

  • Frank DiLella speaks with a sing-songy cadence.
  • Roma Torre has fly away hair.
  • Donna Karger gets starstruck.
  • Any of them say they are going to, “toss it back to…”