Category: SMASH

The Top 10 Times SMASH Gave More of a Shit Than GLEE

Happy Throwback Thursday! SMASH Don’t Give a Shit! is back!

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Today marks the one year anniversary of when I published the recap of S2E4, J HUD’s final appearance on SMASH. Wow. I was so young. So foolish. I had no idea how grueling recapping a TV show for no money would be. Or how long it would take. Or that after four months, SMASH would have seduced me into a Beauty & the Beast-esque Stockholm Syndrome where I was really sad to see it go. Let’s ignore the fact that by the end of it, we were more like an end-of-run Beauty & the Beast Stockholm, where the company is sorta going through the motions but you’re forced to screlt “A Change in Me” at like ten o’clock after not really being warm for an hour, because that’s what Ashley Brown did in the On the Record tour (<–Told yah it was #TBT). Bottom line, I loved SMASH. Why? Sing along: Because it didn’t give a shit!

According to the Annoying Actor Friend by-laws, I am contractually obligated to love to hate SMASH and literally hate GLEE. I have revived this blog series to compare and contrast how I think both shows represented Broadway. Now that the McKinnley High ass-hats are packing up and invading our city, I guess it is my responsibility to acknowledge it. Before we begin, here are some thoughts to keep in mind:

  • This recap analyzes GLEE S5E9 “Frenemies.”
  • I will only be doing a SMASH vs. GLEE smack-down once. This is it.
  • I have not watched GLEE since its first season.
  • I have only ever seen maybe four episodes of GLEE.
  • I don’t intend to do any research about GLEE in order to present an educated recap.
  • I know GLEE is a heightened fantasy, but I’m not going to treat it that way.
  • I deserve extra credit for taking this risk because GLEEKS scare the shit out of me.

If SMASH didn’t give a shit about being realistic to Broadway, GLEE took that shit and used it to finger-paint Shubert Alley. Let’s begin.

The Top 10 Times SMASH Gave More of a Shit Than GLEE and Other Things That Annoyed Me About “Frenemies.”

1.) Survival Jobs: Rachel Berry and Not Ana Vargas work at what appears to be Ellen’s Stardust Diner. If they sing at this restaurant, I’m glad they didn’t this episode because people looked like they were trying to eat. Not Ana Vargas complains about being in New York City for three months and only booking a national commercial. Like a true friend, Rachel Berry tries to console her while expertly tossing in tidbits about starring on Broadway in Funny Girl. I’ll bet Lauren Ambrose wants to shoot herself. I have no fucking clue why Rachel Berry is working at a diner while rehearsing for the lead in a Broadway show. I’m pretty certain Karen Cartwright quit her restaurant job when she was the understudy in the two week workshop of Marilyn: the Musical. Why? Because Karen Cartwright gives a shit about her craft. Holy shit I just said that. (SMASH: +1. GLEE: +0.)

2.) #AuthorityFail: Where the fuck is the authority on this show? No managers, no casting directors, no stage management, no agents. Rachel Berry pretty much ran an entire fucking New York Magazine shoot. The only person who looked in charge of anything this episode was Peter Facinelli, and I’ll bet even he has called his Can’t Hardly Wait co-star and been like, “Lauren. This Funny Girl shit is ridiculous.” While we’re on the subject of Facinelli, anytime there has been a commanding older male presence on GLEE (Morrison, Stamos, Bomer), they sorta look like they are from a forty-eight year old gay man’s fantasy of a speed dating lineup. I mean, who is in charge of this show?

Anyway, Telsey wasn’t present at the Fanny Brice understudy auditions, and some girl who can’t sing got an appointment. Some other office must be casting Funny Girl, because bad people never get appointments at Telsey and WTF was Rachel Berry doing there?! She’s casting her understudy, too?! These children on GLEE get to do whatever they want! Derek Wills certainly wouldn’t have stood for this offensively relaxed method of casting and rehearsal — but you know who’d have locked that shit down real quick? PSM Linda. (SMASH: +1. GLEE: +0.)

3.) Not Ana vs. Ana: Not Ana bursts into the Fanny u/s audition from the back of the house and busts out an inappropriate pop cover of “Don’t Rain on My Parade,” backed by an orchestra, without ever handing her sheet music to the accompanist or even asking for a bell tone. Not Ana better #werk! She books Rachel Berry’s understudy without a callback, reading for the role, or even dancing. It’s specified that she is the understudy and not the standby, so I guess they’re going to create some track for her…in the middle of rehearsals.

In contrast, Ana Vargas booked the role of the Diva in Hit List after singing drunk on a bar while massaging a bunch of ball-shaped ceiling lamps.

Hmmm.. This is going to be a hard call. Who gave less of a shit?

Both shows were already in rehearsal when their roles were cast. Not Ana is basically ensemble. Ana was a principal. Not Ana went to an actual audition. Ana’s audition was at like the Fat Black Pussycat or something. Not Ana sang a classic song from the show. Ana basically just slapped a cymbal and was like, “Follow me, bitches.” Neither needed to read. Neither had callbacks. I’d give the edge to GLEE here, but you know what? From day one, Ana established her lack of giving a fuck for anything and could really only ever get shit done while under the influence of alcohol, and I can relate to that so I’m gonna make this one a tie. (SMASH: +1. GLEE: +1.)

4.) Complete Disregard for Everybody Else: Adam Lambert and Kurt dance around a music store and inconvenience a bunch of shoppers who were just trying to score a sweet new guitar pick. When SMASH did impromptu musical self-celebrations, they had the common decency to do it at Tom’s apartment or something. If these are the type of people taking over New York’s great music stores, it’s probably a good thing Colony closed. (SMASH: +1. GEE: +0.)

5.) Timeout for Jane Lynch: Jane Lynch had some fucking brilliant lines on this episode. The chemistry between her and Becky make for one of the more compelling relationships on TV today. When GLEE stops being smug and rises to this level of sophistication, it makes everything else on the show look even worse. That is why I must deduct one point from GLEE for showing us how good it can actually be. (SMASH: +0. GLEE: -1.)

6.) SMASHiverse vs. GLEEWorld: I remember people talking about when Glee referenced Smash last year. So, Smash exists in GLEEWorld. Last season, Jimmy bitched about Lea Michele auditioning for the Diva in Hit List. Therefore, the TV show Glee exists in the SMASHiverse and Rachel Berry does not.

If a girl out of high school can book one of the most coveted and debated about leading lady roles in musical theatre history, we can all agree that Broadway sucks ass in GLEEWorld. So, if Smash exists in Glee, then its depiction of Broadway is a flawlessly unattainable entity for GLEEWorld’s Broadway to aspire to. This theory gives SMASH two points. (SMASH: +2. GLEE: +0.)

7.) The Press: Remember when those two audience members on SMASH bitched when Ivy was Marilyn because she had been “knocking around the chorus for years”? Remember when Jerry insisted it had to be Bombshell Introducing Karen Cartwright? Remember when people were worried Lauren Ambrose wouldn’t be a big enough name to carry the actual Broadway revival of Funny Girl? Well, don’t worry, because on GLEE, the New York Times, Time Out New York, and Playbill are LIVING for the story that the new Fanny Brice has high school beef with her understudy. That’s what sells tickets to Broadway shows on GLEE. Two melisma-soaked teenagers from Ohio whose resumes consist of show choir and pouty faces. (SMASH: +1. GLEE: +0.)

8.) Karen vs. Rachel: There was a time when I thought Karen was one of those performers who just sort of floated from opportunity to opportunity, without really working hard or encountering any serious career roadblocks. Then I met Rachel Berry. Ooof. I don’t really know where to start here. Karen was at least mid-twenties when SMASH started, so there are a few years of unaccounted Cartwright backstory. We never really knew how long Karen had been in New York, what her college situation was like, or if the Marilyn: the Musical workshop audition was her first or four-hundreth time pounding the pavement. Rachel Berry? I don’t know… How do I say this without coming off rude? Rachel Berry is the devil. (SMASH: +1. GLEE: +0.)

9.) Set Pieces: SMASH’s Broadway shows rehearsed in rehearsal studios because that’s what you fucking do. GLEE’s Broadway shows rehearse in what looks like a college auditorium (but is probably supposed to be the Neil Simon), because they’re assholes. I guess on GLEE, Broadway shows follow the 1960’s approach and do the entire process in the theatre like it isn’t be taken up by Bronx Bombers or something. GLEE don’t give a fuck about New 42. (SMASH +1. GLEE: +0)

10.) What am I Looking At?: The episode ended with Rachel Berry having emotional explosive-diarrhea all over the apartment because Not Ana booked her understudy, resulting in her moving out of the Park Avenue mansion they share with Kurt. That was after her head rotated 360 degrees and projectile vomited a non-equity kid.

I’m honestly confused with how GLEE wants me to feel about Rachel Berry. It’s really confusing. Rachel Berry is the show’s main protagonist, but she was a truly hateful human being in this episode. Am I supposed to like Rachel Berry? How am I supposed to root for someone so childish? Is this how she is every episode? I would think that after dealing with her bullshit in high school, the McKinley crew would’ve either unfriended her, or at least have a stock method of getting her to shut-the-fuck-up. One time on SMASH, Karen gave sass to Ana and Ana just rolled her eyes and went, “Really?” That was all it took to shut her down. Does nobody have a backbone with Rachel Berry? Are her gay dads members of the Mob or something? It’s just so puzzling.

How many of you have ever felt personally victimized by Rachel Berry?

::raises hand:: (SMASH: +1. GLEE: -1.)

FINAL SCORE! 

SMASH: 10. GLEE: -1.

SMASH Don’t Give a Shit: “The Big Finish”

The series finale gave us two SMASHtastic hours that culminated with the Tonys. I must admit that SMASH let me down by not titling the episode, “The Tonies.” I’m also sad that we didn’t get another season for me to abrasively campaign for an @Actor_Friend reference on the show. Alas, some things aren’t meant to be.

I can’t believe SMASH has officially come to an end. More importantly, I can’t believe SMASH Don’t Give a Shit has come to an end. 17 episodes. 20 blogs. 0 dollars. 525,600 memories.

Grab a cocktail folks, because the only thing more inflated than Jimmy Collins’ ego, is the following recap…

Top 17 Times (one for each episode) SMASH Didn’t Give a Shit and Other Things I Loved: “The Nominations” & “The Tonys” 

1.) Bombshell Adds a Scene: Fade in on a girl with her arms wrapped around a toilet. I love that we got to see Ivy huggin’ porcelain again. It reminded me of season one Ivy or me on an average Thursday morning. What I’m trying to figure out is, what happens between “Don’t Forget Me” and Ivy’s curtain call, that she would have enough time to essentially pass out in the communal restroom? Did Tom add another scene per Ghost Kyle’s suggestion? Is there a Bombshell mega-mix? Do Jessica and Bobby come out and do a somber epilogue in all black, thus explaining why they are still in their beatnik costumes from the top of act two? These are the questions that keep me awake and night and remind me why I’m single.

2.) Ana Vargas Loses Her Agent: I thought I hit rock bottom when I supplemented my unemployment by party pumping at bar mitzvahs, but I’ve never had to troll that busted version of Actors’ Access for auditions like Ana did. I would assume someone like Ana would have her agent’s password to Breakdown Express, but I’m guessing she has nobody to submit her. A lot of unfortunate events happened to our friends on SMASH. Julia’s marriage fell apart, Jimmy went to jail, and Kyle died, but I feel the greatest tragedy in SMASH is the fact that Ana Vargas lost her representation.

3.) SMASHiverse Weather: Awards season happens during the most beautiful time to visit New York City. May and June. Spring into Summer. But the people on SMASH are still wearing winter coats and scarves. You can see their breath when they sing. But guess what? Last Saturday, May 25th, I wore rain boots, a peacoat, and gloves. The NYC weather is officially the most realistic thing depicted on SMASH.

4.) Bombshell Has the Worst Fans Ever: If I were Ivy Lynn, I’d take the secret exit out the back after a performance, because Bombshell has the worst fans ever. Bombshell fans consist of three catty teenage girls that give me horrible high school flashbacks and one old kween with a video camera, that also gives me horrible high school flashbacks. I mean, who was that guy? Like… was that JesWaza65 from All That Chat, just chillin’ with his iPhone on video record? Talk about uncomfortable! Not because that guy was downright creepy, but “uncomfortable” because the Invasive Broadway Super Fan is something else SMASH got completely right. The Invasive Broadway Super Fan believes they are intimately connected to your cast because they see the show six times a week, and I guarantee they will find a way to rush your wedding.

5.) That Awkward Moment When … : 

  • Eileen said, “My life has to be about more than this show,” and I was like, “Crap. I just said that last week.”

6.) Table 46 is Everything: I think I can pinpoint the exact moment that NBC cut SMASH’s budget. Somewhere around the time Table 46 became the only set piece. By episode 12, Table 46 was getting more screen time than Bobby, Jessica, and Sam put together. I mean, the Outer Critics Circle Awards took place at Table 46 along with both the Hit List and Bombshell Tonys parties. Was the Hotel Carter booked? I’m surprised that Table 46 wasn’t featured in the season 2 advertising campaign. I’m also floored that Table 46 didn’t get a solo in the “Under Pressure” montage.

7.) The New Table 46 Bartender Loves Broadway: Drew Gehling, currently starring as Bob Gaudio in Jersey Boys, is now the new part time bartender at Table 46, and apparently LOVES Broadway. If you thought it was awesome that Kyle carried around playbills, you haven’t met Drew Gehling. According to SMASH, Drew Gehling keeps his iPhone perpetually locked on BroadwayWorld.com. Ivy was like, “What are people saying about Hit List?” and Drew was like, “Here’s my phone. And I’m not even going to look at it because I know it’s already logged onto all the theatre gossip boards!”

After Drew gives Ivy his phone he disappears. Why? Because Drew doesn’t fucking need that phone. When you’re a principal on Broadway and working shifts at the only restaurant in midtown, you can afford to just give away your Apple products.

8.) Karen Cartwright is AnnoyingActorFriend: How has it taken me this long to notice that there is a wall in Karen and Ana’s apartment that has various letters in random positions? Seems harmless… Except six of them are positioned to spell: ARTIST. SMASHiverse AnnoyingActorFriend was clearly inspired by Karen Cartwright. It’s a shame every episode of SMASH went twelve minutes over, because I’m sure there is a cut scene somewhere of Karen’s vision board party.

9.) Ana’s Fifteen Minute Call: Ana was gifted with Kyle’s ticket to the Tony Awards because Kyle’s parents didn’t give a shit and Karen’s parents are too Iowa for the NY1 Red Carpet. Ana only needed fifteen minutes to get ready because 1.) She’s Ana Fucking Vargas and 2.) She still had her makeup on from last night.

10.) PSM Marissa Don’t Give a Shit: It must have been all those 8 a.m. rehearsals, because the Hit List PSM was phoning it in on Tonys week. She let Karen call Jimmy out of the show for a night and then completely lost control at the Tonys rehearsal. First she let Daisy be the dance captain and basically run everything, then she cried to Karen about Daisy giving line readings, and finally, she let the entire cast revolt. I gotta admire Marissa’s tenacity for sticking around so long, considering Linda bolted before Bombshell even opened, but this was just sloppy. Girl, this is the 67th Tony Awards and you’re show is performing in a theatre that’s apparently also home to Evita AND Follies. Get your shit together!

11.) Tom Levitt LOSES It: Tom has had his ups and downs this season, but in the finale, I’d say he completely gave up. I felt like I was watching a public meltdown. So, naturally, I loved every minute! Let’s breakdown the anatomy of this breakdown:

  1. Tom keeps his iPhone on the brightest setting necessary, when we all know that you can see the screen just fine in a Broadway house when the backlight is powered to low.
  2. Tom brags to the audience member behind him about winning an award when the poor guy is trying to enjoy the first three act musical since 1916.
  3. Eileen and Julia are having a heart to heart about relationships when Tom breaks in like the stomach alien from Spaceballs, and is all, “Hey, look at me!” while doing his best W.B. Frog impersonation.
  4. Tom slams Petite Sirah multiple times, even thought it usually has the highest alcohol content of all red wines. I know this because Ana told me.
  5. Tom passively aggressively slams J. Crew. Look, not all of us are getting 2% royalties on two hit Broadway shows.
  6. Tom not only kept Kyle’s Lisa Frank puff-painted Trapper Keeper libretto from Julia, he also neglected to tell her about their affair and explain to the audience who was the top.
  7. Patrick said, “I liked Bombshell and you deserved your nomination,” and Tom heard, “I’M A CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL COME LOVE ON ME.”
  8. Tom suggests Patrick’s “upper arms” are not straight. #DeltoidsAreSOGay
  9. Tom asks Patrick out for lunch and when he politely declines, Tom takes that as: “I’M A CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL PLEASE COME LOVE ON ME IN THIS VERY PUBLIC LOBBY WHERE THERE IS A NATIONAL TELECAST HAPPENING IN THE NEXT ROOM AND MICHAEL RIEDEL IS LURKING UNDER THE VICTOR/VICTORIA POSTER.”
  10. Patrick tells Tom he isn’t gay and Tom is like, “That’s how all my straight friends kiss me after I forcefully shove my tongue down their throat.”

I have to admire Tom’s committment. I feel like Patrick really could be straight but Tom would just be so convinced he were gay that it wouldn’t really matter. I imagine Patrick waking up one day as an old man in Palm Springs with Tom bringing him french toast and Metamucil, all the while wondering, “How the fuck did I get here?” This is also how I imagine Don Draper’s arc on Mad Men ending.

12.) Diane Paulus Don’t Give a Shit: I want to know what went down between Diane Paulus and Laura Osnes that required Sutton Foster to sweep in and grab the Tony nomination for Oliver! — and if that were the case, I want to know why there wasn’t a moment when Ana was required to say something about Laura Osnes being on a break.

13.) PSM Linda Runs the Tony Awards: We may not have seen her, but I can guarantee that Linda was the stage manager of the Tony Awards. PSM Linda must have been MIA the last six episodes because she was off werking the wizardry necessary to pull off this awards show. Want to know why we didn’t see Linda during the episode? Because she was too damn busy holding that shit together with Elmer’s glue and popsicle sticks.

Linda may have had trouble getting that plane on stage in Bombshell, but she did not have a problem making sure the entire cast of Hit List got miked up with five seconds notice for their Pitch Perfect 2 audition. If the SMASH 67th Tony Awards are any inclination, the ACTUAL 67th Tony Awards are going to be a BEAST. I mean, these Tonys were such a huge deal that everybody on Broadway got their matinee off just to prepare. This was also a Tonys that had the gall to televise Best Book, Score, and Choreography. That’s ballsy, SMASH. I hope I don’t have to sit through that boring shit on June 9th. I’m praying for a cruise ship performance of Catch Me if You Can instead.

14.) Jerry is PISSED: Not only did Jerry lose best musical to Eileen, he now has to pay thousands of extra dollars for all the Hit List cast members who suddenly decided to partake in the Tony performance. He also has to pay the minimum for Ana, who isn’t even in the cast. Actually, can we get a dramaturg on that? I honestly don’t know. Does Jerry have to pay Ana for appearing on the Tonys? Should I find out? How much do you dare me to just casually wander on stage when Kinky Boots performs next month? I’d probably do it for twelve bucks and a high five.

15.) Audra McDonald Don’t Give a Shit: Contrary to what some might believe, I did not werk on SMASH. Suggesting that Kyle would be literally thrown in front of a bus weeks before it happened was a lucky guess. For the most part, I was able to keep the majority of the season from being spoiled for me. That is, until Audra McDonald decided to not give a shit, and take to twitter Sunday night to ruin my life…

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Look, Audra, I know you reserve Sundays for polishing your basket of Tonys, but some of us were out enjoying the immaculate Memorial Day wind-tunnel weather, and were saving SMASH to nurse our hangovers. I mean, it was like THREE MINUTES after the finale aired on the east coast! You ruined it for the four people in California, anxiously awaiting the episode to air an hour later. Not even my super fans (yes, I have about three) tweeted me a spoiler! Couldn’t you have watched Behind the Candelabra instead? At least I know how that ends (with a bang). <— I’m twelve.

16.) The Big Finish: SMASH gave us a SH-META BIG FINISH musical number montage with a literal SMASH logo in background. I gotta respect that. I also loved the following moments:

  • Jimmy and Karen eating each other’s face outside the Midtown South Precinct.
  • Ivy and Karen singing something along the lines of, “forget all the times SMASH didn’t give a shit because we just need to finish strong.”
  • Ivy saying Karen Cartwright’s entire name twice to remind us that even though she won a Tony, it’s still all about Karen.
  • The down and dirty eye-fuck that Cleopatra Rand gave to the guy from All My Children that said, “I want you to discover my Egypt all over this desk.”

17.) An Honest to God Thank You (seriously, this one isn’t meant to be sarcastic) : While my official goodbye to SMASH was posted after its cancellation (Closing Notice: SMASH), I want to personally thank the writers, cast, and crew of SMASH. You were one classy, hard working group of people with an incredible sense of humor when it came to assholes like me. Thank you for reminding us all that life is too much fun to take yourself too seriously.

I also want to thank all of you for tuning in weekly to read the barely coherent psychobabble of an anonymous blogger with a shit ton of time on their hands. There are more SMASH recaps out there than songs in Bombshell, so the fact that you chose to read mine means more than you know.

Shameless Self Promotion

Some of you have asked if there is life for me after SMASH, and I would like to officially announce that I have given myself a book deal! This summer, I will be writing #SOBLESSED: The Annoying Actor Friend’s Guide to Werking in Show Business. In the style of my SMASH Don’t Give a Shit posts, this how-to book will explain everything from choosing the right college, pounding the pavement, and getting your Equity card to regional theatre, Broadway, national tours, navigating pilot season, and of course, behaving on social media.

Expect #SOBLESSED on Amazon Kindle and paperback in September! I have made the brave decision to do this without a kickstarter.

The Top 10 Things SMASH Didn’t Get a Chance to NOT Give a Shit About

As the SMASH series finale rapidly approaches, I have been reflecting over the multitude of awesome times the show threw caution, credibility, and Kyle under the bus. Yesterday, I stopped by my second home, the Telsey + Co offices on 43rd street, to visit my fave CSA (Cesar Rocha @clseeyedleap). I was in for a prescreen, so naturally I cleared 4 GBs off my iPad to make room for my sides. As I was thumbing through iBooks, trying to finding the right PDF, Cesar and I started talking about SMASH and what fun story lines he wished he got a chance to cast.

It got us thinking about all the other wonderful elements and events in the world of Broadway that we’ll never see dramatized by SMASH. After I nailed my audition (#dzuh), I hightailed it back to my apartment to anxiously wait for a (212) number to dial my phone, and drafted, in no particular order: The Top 10 Things SMASH Didn’t Get a Chance to NOT Give a Shit About and how I think they would have played out…

1.) Broadway Bares: We certainly know the male ensemble in both Hit List and Bombshell would be all over this shit. I want to see an episode where Karen and Ivy have to deal with not being the center of attention for five minutes. Like, what the fuck would Karen and Ivy do when they find out nobody really gives a shit about girls at Broadway Bares, and they have to stand in the mosh pit drinking vodka out of an Arnold Palmer Snapple bottle? I’m sure Ivy would be happy to support Bobby and Karen would be there for this “Gabe” we’ve heard so much about but have never actually seen. You could also count on Ana reviving her silk number with the folks from Flying Dreams. Never mind, Ana wouldn’t make it passed the tequila toast backstage.

2.) The Great Gatsby: Scott was planning on producing Julia Houston’s adaptation of The Great Gatsby at the Manhattan Theatre Workshop. We’ve already seen Julia pretty much transcribe F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic onto Microsoft Word, so we know the script is totally going to rock. However, considering that Scott went nuts at the Sharper Image and pretty much blew his budget on Hit List‘s Jumbotron, I can’t imagine there being much money left over to fund a fully realized production of Gatsby. Also, you know that after spending $18 to see Baz Luhrmann’s epic 3D version of The Great Gatsby this summer, everyone is going to totally want to drop $70 on a bare bones production in the East Village, with nine cast members and one actress that plays Jordan, Myrtle, and Drunk Girl at a Party.

3.) Chicago Flyer Girls: I’d have liked a new cast member added would prefer her to be one of those red-tights-wearing girls who hand out flyers for Chicago in Times Square. They are fabulous. It could be 90 degrees, 40 below, Superstorm Sandy, or Blizzard Athena, and these fierce bitches would still be werking those Capezios outside the Palace Theatre. I want to see a Chicago Flyer Girl bust her ass all season just to get her Equity card at the Paper Mill Playhouse on the finale. But, knowing SMASH, our Sickeld Footed Someone would probably bang Derek in S3E2 and end up replacing Karen in Hit List by S3E4 because we all know Karen would have been Daisy in The Great Gatsby. Ugh. Am I right? I mean, it don’t get more muse-ie than Daisy Buchanan.

4.) Broadway Softball League: After the Tonys are done, what other competition can we stir up between #TeamIvyBombshell and #TeamKarenHitList? The Broadway Softball League would be a great opportunity for SMASH to explain to America what “calling out” is, after Karen gets Simon Birch-ed in the nose by a foul tip off Ivy’s bat. This could be a fun bonding episode for the entire cast to partake in, but I’d bet in the SMASHiverse, softball would be played on a gridiron with a basketball, two soccer nets, and a golden snitch.

5.) Gypsy of the Year: In S3E5 of SMASH, entitled: “The Gypsy of the Year,” the entire conflict could have been Eileen trying to stop Jen Cody and Don Richard from being the best thing to ever happen to these BC/EFA events (besides, of course, the charity raised). I would be extremely satisfied with the entire episode just being Ms. Cody as Little Sally and Mr. Richard as Officer Lockstock, grilling the SMASHiverse. There would be no need for a “SMASH Don’t Give a Shit” that week. I can’t compete with that.

6.) Broadway in Bryant Park: This concert takes place during the SWASS-tastic dog days of summer and more often than not, showcases the talent of the understudies because the stars can’t be bothered to attend. I’d love to see SMASH’s take on Broadway in Bryant Park, because they could have given two shits about establishing understudies this season and it would be amusing to watch them figure this one out.

7.) A Strike: Stagehands and musicians have gone on strike in the last ten years. Can you imagine if SMASH staged an Actors’ Equity strike? LOL. That would be the biggest case of #SMASHisSoUnrealistic ever. If you would like further proof that AEA will never strike, just take a look at the following national touring statistics:

2000: Producers = Lots of Money!         Actors = Lots of Money!

2008: Producers = Lots of Money!         Actors = No Money!

2013: Producers = Lots of Money!         Actors = LOL.

Happy 100th Birthday, Actors’ Equity Association!

8.) Bored on Broadway: If season three was all about the cast moving on to other shows, I’d like to see Bobby stay stuck in Bombshell. We could see Bobby struggle with the boredom of a long run on Broadway. Being locked into a long run is like the worst thing to happen to a chorus member ever. Jumping from show to show is ideal. Long runs are the kiss of death. People who stay in Mamma Mia and Jersey Boys for ten years just to buy apartments have the wrong priorities. I can just see Bobby being like, “Jessica gets to do The House Bunny: the musical and I’m still in Bombshell. It’s been like SIX MONTHS. I’m. SO. BOOORED!”

9.) Broadway Barks: Leigh Conroy adopts a dog from Bernadette Peters.

10.) I.A.T.S.E.: I don’t believe we ever saw an IATSE member in a single episode of SMASH. Probably because every member of Local One would need to be paid four hours minimum just for being mentioned on the show. And that is why IATSE members are some of the most awesome people you’ll ever meet.

 

SMASH Don’t Give a Shit: “The Transfer”

I may have gotten a little sentimental yesterday as we all coped with the news of SMASH’s cancellation. But it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, and it’s time for me to properly get back on everybody’s #shitlist!

Top 10 Times SMASH Didn’t Give a Shit and Other Things I Loved: “The Transfer”

1.) NBC Don’t Give a Flying F*ck: For those of us on the East Coast, SMASH was delayed because of NBC’s golf coverage. I believe NBC’s exact words were, “Due to the duration of golf coverage we now join SMASH, already in progress.” Yep. Already in progress. NBC didn’t even have the decency to start the episode late. Even CBS does that during football season. Do you know how many times I had to watch Andy Rooney gripe about razor scooters and melons instead of my Amazing Race because the Giants game pushed 60 Minutes an hour? That was football. This is golf. GOLF. This wasn’t even Caddyshack. I’d forgive them if they bumped SMASH for Caddyshack. Maybe even Caddyshack II: On the Move. But actual golf? #hellno.

Due to this prolonged golf extravaganza, we missed the entire opening number. The show cut in right as Ana was awkwardly stumbling on stage during a preview of Hit List. I’m not necessarily surprised to see Ana in a semi-inebriated state, but I would have appreciated an explanation. Thus, I actually had to buy this episode of SMASH on iTunes. Now I have spent money on SMASH. Thanks a lot, NBC. inebriated

2.) Table 46 Needs to Stop: I never want to go there. Table 46 is that place you involuntarily bump into everyone you’ve ever worked with, that you don’t necessarily want to see again, who always end up asking you, “So… What are you up to?” And you’re like, “Oh, you know…auditioning.” And then you have to ask them how they’re doing, even though you know what they’re doing, because they just posted all about it on Facebook, and you’ve yet to unfriend them because you’re a social media whore. Or… maybe that’s just me? Oh, then I’m totally kidding… #WERK ! I love Hell’s Kitchen.

The only person who doesn’t want to be at Table 46 more than me, are the people that work there. That waiter was like, “Hey, Jimmy! Wanna bus tables for old time’s sake? Oh, wait. You never bussed shit! You just sat on the piano and played your little show tunes and now you’re on Broadway and I still can’t get seen for Mamma Mia… But, totes congrats on all that.”

The last place Jimmy Collins wants to be is the restaurant he used to work at. Talk about a flood of bad memories. Oh, and I’m not talking about having to see the ghost of Kyle in every corner. I’m talking about the dirty secrets Jimmy probably knows about how Table 46 is managed. Jimmy knows when the hands haven’t been washed. Jimmy knows when the milk has expired. He knows everything.

You can see how uncomfortable Jimmy is in that booth. He’s thinking, “I know we bought our A grade from the health department….I have to stop her from eating that fried calamari because it’s not actually calamari, it’s … Oh, God. Get me out of here!” Trust me, nobody wants to go back to the restaurant they worked at once they’ve finally gotten out. Jimmy is a recovering substance abuser. Table 46 is the last place they should have taken him.

3.) Kyle Bishop Don’t Give a Shit About Some People: Kyle Bishop was not the only casualty in the SMASHiverse. What happened to the two sets of twins that used to be in Hit List? We haven’t seen them since that “Original” Miley Cyrus number back in episode 2.10. I used to think that they were the ones left on stage during the full company costume change that happens after “Amanda” gets shot by the Diva. However, none of those twins were present in the Broadway transfer. If Jimmy’s objective is to maintain Kyle’s vision of Hit List, I guess Kyle didn’t give a shit about the Engen twins. Or the twins from So You Think You Can Dance (Canadian Edition). Furthermore, Kyle must not have given a shit about whoever played the role that now belongs to Sam Strickland. I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead, but it sounds to me that Kyle Bishop, at heart, was a ruthless son of a bitch that didn’t give a shit about first right of refusal.

4.) KAREN CARTWRIGHT (Amanda): Broadway: Debut! Off-Broadway: Hit List. Regional: Bombshell (Marilyn). Workshops: Marilyn: the musical (Chorus). BFA from Michigan. Karen feels #SoBlessed to be finally making her first appearance on the “Great White Way,” which should now be referred to as the “Great Vanilla Way.” What a difference a year makes. “Thanks Telsey!”

5.) That Awkward Moment When … : 

  • oof. Ana made an Erin Dilly dig that was worse than anything I’ve ever said. #almost

6.) Is Lin-Manuel Miranda Usually Such a Dick?: I don’t know Mr. Miranda personally. I respect his werk. He seems like a very nice guy. He’s extremely talented. He even used to follow my twitter account… Well, until I did this:

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I was young and foolish and I scared Lin-Manuel away. I still believe that real life Lin-Manuel is a truly nice guy. But, SMASH-iverse Lin-Manuel is an asshole. What kind of a jerk brings that much sass to a Houston & Levitt farewell concert? Bring it On may have been nominated for a Tony in the real world, but I can guarantee SMASH-iverse Bring it On is going to get #SNUBBED.

7.) Julia’s Magical Notecards: Julia werked it with the notecards this episode. Jimmy refused to let anything in Hit List change unless it was originally one of Kyle’s ideas. Julia forced poor Jimmy to return to an apartment he had not set foot in since his best friend was still breathing, all so she could rummage through Kyle’s personal items in search of a stack of notecards with obscure and random words written on them.

Julia picked up a notecard with one word on it, conceptualized an entire idea and then tried to pawn it off as Kyle’s. This was pure genius of Julia. She can do anything she wants now! All she has to do is pick up a card, read the word, and then say, “Oh… Yeah… Um…Kyle had this totally great idea to [insert whatever crazy shit you want to add to the show]” I personally think Julia just made up the entire social media newsfeed idea. Kyle’s word on the notecard was NEWSREEL. What kid in their early twenties writes down “newsreel” and doesn’t mean that black and white thing they show in old Turner Classic Movies like Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and A League of their Own?

I wish Julia didn’t quit Hit List, because she could have seriously driven it into the ground just so Bombshell could win all the Tonys. Here are some other potential notecards of Kyle’s that Julia could have turned into something to sabotage Hit List:

  • GAGA: “Oh, I remember this one! Kyle always wanted to do a number with babies. Like, an edgy satire on the maturity level of most twitter users. He said that when the show transferred to Broadway, he pictured act one ending with the ensemble just rolling around on stage for five minutes, goo-goo-ing.”
  • GRAMMY: “Kyle thought the VMA’s were the only relevant awards show. He did, however, consider adding a song about a Grammy… Grammi Gummi, from The Gummi Bears. Kyle told me about a scene he wanted to write in act two, where Amanda gets high and hallucinates the entire ensemble on bungee cords, dressed as Grammi Gummi. You know, like Wonderland did with all those Alices.”
  • SOMEONE LIKE YOU: “Not, the Adele song. The Jekyll & Hyde one. Kyle loved Jekyll & Hyde. We should all go see it right now and do all of that.”

8.) PSM Marissa One-Ups PSM Linda: I know what you’re thinking… Could someone ever be a more capable stage manager than Linda? SMASH-phemous! But let’s be serious, PSM Marissa was able to insert an entire groundbreaking multimedia event into Hit List in less time than it took for PSM Linda to tech a cardboard plane moving onstage. I love me some Linda, but maybe there is something to Marissa and her 8 a.m. call times. That being said, Bombshell was dark the day of the Houston & Levitt concert and ASM Kathy ran the event, giving PSM Linda a much deserved night off.

9.) Derek Royally Screws Ana Because He Literally Screwed Daisy: I don’t know what’s worse: getting thrown under an actual bus like Kyle or getting thrown under the proverbial bus like Ana, because I almost Bishop-ed myself when this entire plot line began to unravel. In fact, I don’t even really know what happened the rest of the episode because I frisbee tossed my iPad across the room.

Nobody messes with Ana Vargas. Nobody. 

10.) Ivy Revisits Season One: Agnes schooled Ivy about her reputation by bringing up a bunch of shit that happened in season one. Um. Last time I checked, we forgot that Theresa Rebeck happened. Then Ivy got a phone call from the only doctor’s office I know that is open at 11 p.m. to tell her she is pregnant with Julia’s cliffhanger from last season.

You know what? I hope it’s Dev’s baby. If Ivy can film a car commercial, learn an entirely new number for a Houston & Levitt review that was staged and rehearsed in one day, all while campaigning for a Tony and starring on Broadway eight times a week, it’s entirely possible that her and Dev’s fertilized embryo was like, “It’s cool, mom. I’ll just take this first trimester rrrreeeaaalllllyyy sllloooowww.”

We’re talking SMASH, here. Stranger things have happened.

Closing Notice: SMASH

This may come as a shock, but I have a lot of respect for SMASH. My original intent with this blog was to playfully pick apart details in the show that only someone in the theatre would care to criticize. “SMASH Don’t Give a Shit” was as much a satire of actors as it was of SMASH itself. Who in the general public really cares that Ivy only had three pages of audition material for Liaisons or that Karen does not wear pin-curls under her wig? SMASH did not set out to be a documentary. I believe it was meant to be a love letter to Broadway, and it succeeded in so many ways.

Performers are outwardly critical and even if SMASH was everything we wanted it to be, we probably would have ripped it apart just the same. We set SMASH up to fail. This was our world and we were prepared to defend it because no matter what story it chose to tell, it would never be ours. The Broadway community thrives on being a family, yet we did not do a whole lot to support a television show that was trying desperately to help and hire all of us. But did SMASH really misrepresent us?

SMASH introduced those outside the industry to the genius of Marc Shaiman and Scott Whittman, the triple-threat of Megan Hilty, the vocals of Jeremy Jordan and Leslie Odam Jr., the expertly danced choreography of Joshua Bergasse, the glamour of Broadway, Michael Riedel, ten out of twelves, opening nights, out of town tryouts, auditions, callbacks, Telsey & Co., Bond 45, Westway Diner, and the list goes on. Whether or not we agree with how our universe was portrayed, there are people out there that have never set foot in a Broadway theatre who are now familiar with all those little details in our lives because of SMASH.

Sometimes your director is a complete asshole. Sometimes your creative team has no idea what show they are doing. Sometimes success comes too easily for certain people. Sometimes the wrong person gets the role. These were all plot lines covered in SMASH. Who knows? Maybe if it were renewed, some of your story, or my story, or your sublet’s story, would have found its way onto SMASH.

I will miss SMASH. Simply because it tried to make Broadway relevant to a demographic that perhaps knew nothing about it. If there are kids out there that heard Katharine McPhee belt “Don’t Forget Me,” saw Krysta Rodriguez dangle from silks, or watched Debra Messing and Christian Borle struggle with constructing a musical, and turned to their parents to say, “I want to do that,” then I think SMASH did its job.

Thank you, SMASH.

SMASH Don’t Give a Shit: “The Phenomenon”

Sometimes, when I watch SMASH, I feel like I’m being tied to the hood of a yellow rental truck, being packed in with fertilizer and fuel oil, pushed over a cliff by a suicidal Mickey Mouse. But I know the pain will ease if I can learn that SMASH don’t give a shit what I think. And that is why I love it.

What’s the time? Well it’s gotta be close to “SMASH Don’t Give a Shit” time…

Top 10 Times SMASH Didn’t Give a Shit and Other Things I Loved: “The Phenomenon”

1.) Karen & Derek Throw Caution & Calories to the Wind: I often lie awake at night wishing I lived in the land of SMASH, where hangovers and carbohydrates cease to exist. We last left Derek and Karen going home together, where I assumed Derek removed his pants and donned an oversized button down shirt to seduce Karen, but once again, I was wrong. Instead we see that Joanie and Chachi spent the evening giggling like school girls while mixing wine AND beer. Between the expensive bottles of Bordeaux and the various handcrafted beers made in local breweries, I’m going to estimate that Karen and Derek cashed about 2,000 calories each.

The characters on SMASH have the metabolisms of sixteen year old basketball players. We’ve seen them house everything from Shake Shack to Magic Hat without so much as a minor booze bloat. I guess following your dreams AND watching your back burns more calories than one would imagine. While all this late night drinking is a pretty fair representation of how my life looks during my second unemployment extension, I think that if NBC opted for a lower calorie Subway product placement option, SMASH could have healthily CHUCKed their way to a third season.

2.) PSM Linda Don’t Werk Before Noon: Whenever I get insanely envious of the characters on SMASH, I am reminded that they often have eight a.m. call times. Karen and Derek drank until five a.m., then commented on how they had rehearsal in three hours, which means that Sam Strickland’s “put in” was for eight in the freakin’ morning. Again, you can’t screlt when you’re worn out and tired. No wonder Linda stayed at Bombshell. She may have been forced to completely re-stage a number after opening night, but you know she ain’t doing it before noon. That’s my kind of stage manager. If I ever have a first day of school situation where I find out that Montego Glover is my PSM, I’m walking the fuck out.

3.) Don’t Breathe Too Deep, Jimmy: All of Jimmy Collins’ self-loving fantasies came true when he manifested a clone to serenade him all the way to Karen’s apartment, where they could climb through her window and perform some sort of Jimmy on Jimmy on Karen threesome. I actually think I saw that episode of Clarissa Explains It All. Little did our hero know, Derek was inside telling Karen to, “be my lover, and I’ll cover you... with this blanket… so you can meet Jimmy at the window.”

The sight of Derek causes Jimmy to storm off, and I can only assume he returned to Adam’s Breaking Bad Bungalow. Can we take a minute for the shit show at Adam’s house? I’m in love with the set decorator on this episode. The coffee table that held all the evidence of Jimmy’s bender was complete with the usual suspects: cigarettes! marijuana! cocaine! granny candies?

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No joke… Is that a Werther’s Original?

4.) Seriously, Where Does Ana Sleep?: Does Ana work doubles at the Cat Scratch Club? We haven’t seen her spend the night in her own apartment since SMASH aired on a Tuesday. Where exactly in the city of neon and chrome does Ana expect to sleep when Karen has turned the place into a revolving door of douchery? I’d like to believe that in the SMASHiverse, full production contract tours are still the norm, and Ana bought her apartment with money she saved doing West Side Story last season. Then we can at least believe Ana is making money off of Karen. That is the only way I’ll accept their living arrangement.

5.) That Awkward Moment When … :

  • Derek’s honeybear nearly made contact with Karen’s pookie.
  • It was not Julia’s lucky day on Avenue A, because you know Scott ain’t putting out until she secures the Gatsby rights.
  • Tom made a booty call to confirm he has the best ass below fourteenth street, because that’s where NYU is, and Tom preys on students.
  • Christmas bells are ringing in the SMASHiverse… or the East Village just don’t take down decorations.

6.) The SMASHiverse Don’t Give a Shit: SMASH has always existed in some kind of parallel universe to our own. This is known as the SMASHiverse. In the SMASHiverse, everything that has happened on Broadway in real life, has more or less happened in SMASH… (save a few teeny-tiny details). You may find yourself growing frustrated with how things werk in the SMASHiverse, so I ask you to be kind and don’t lose your mind, and allow me to clear some things up for you:

  1.  Harold & Maudethe musical was a smash (#ohmygoditotallyjustgotwhythisshowiscalledsmash) on the West End, but I don’t think it’s the same production that Roseanne’s mom did at Paper Mill Playhouse when I was in middle school. Maybe in the SMASHiverse, there are two versions of Harold & Maude but neither Wild Party’s exist.
  2. Pippin and The Mystery of Edwin Drood still happen in the same season.
  3. Rodgers + Hammerstein’s Cinderella did not (Glass. Slippers. Are. Never mind I’ve done this joke like 12 times).
  4. Jennifer Damiano is finally getting paid her dues for Spider-Man.
  5. An Off-Broadway Karen Cartwright can actually pose a threat to Audra.
  6. Once, the New York Theatre Workshop, and another show that I can’t seem to put my finger on also existed.

That settles a few thing, right? I think we’re…we’re okay.

7.) Sometimes Foreplay Werks: Eileen Rand has been cock teasing us with a martini toss all season. Every time Eileen picks up alcohol around Jerry, he asks if she’s going to throw it. And then she doesn’t! When Eileen boldly confronted Jerry at Table 46, I was prepared to be let down again. But as I watched her stroke that Manhattan, something felt different. Eileen had fire in her eyes. They were hot, hot, hot, sweat, sweet. They were giving me wet, wet, wet, red, heat. Then, as if in slow motion, Eileen unloaded the cocktail all over Jerry’s face. It was like fluid! No Fluid! No! Contact! YES! Fourteen episodes of foreplay and it was worth the wait. Then when all was said and done, and poor Jerry was left there drenched, all I could think was, “This boy could use some Stoli... because bourbon stains.”

8.) Frank DiLella, NEW yorrk WON: I should tell you, SMASH has been known to shoehorn in some pretty obscure cameos in its time. The most obscure cameo, to end all obscure cameos, came in the form of Frank DiLella. I should tell you, not only do you need to live in New York City to know who Frank DiLella is, you need to have also not thrown your Time Warner cable box out the window for being the worst thing to happen to anything ever.

For those outside the NYC/Time Warner bubble, I should tell you that Frank DiLella is a producer and reporter for “On Stage,” NY1’s weekly half-hour theater program. NY1 is a 24-hour cable-news television channel focusing on the five boroughs of New York City that is owned by Time Warner Cable and filmed in a basement studio apartment in Chelsea. I should tell you, Mr. DiLella also co-hosts the Tonys red carpet coverage, has exactly one more scripted network television credit than me, and is gifted with the sweet, sing-songy vocal cadence of a young Tricia Takanawa.

9.) Ana’s 12 Step Program: LOL. Just kidding. Ana didn’t enter a 12 Step Program. She did, however, give a subtle eye-roll that should be studied by anyone who is majoring in sarcasm. Jimmy refused to partake in the open container champagne toast outside the Bombshell theatre because I assume he didn’t want to get charged with a misdemeanor. Oh, and he’s trying to cut back. When Jimmy said, “I’m not really drinking anymore,” Ana gave an eye-roll that was so restrained, I don’t even think Liz Lemon herself could have picked up on it. It was the perfect blend of, “yeah right” and “thank God I’m not you” with a slight panicky hint of, “if you’re sober they may look to me to start giving up my vices.”

10.) Anybody Else Have a Craving for Veal Chop and Clams Casino?The last thirty seconds of this week’s episode of SMASH showed us the Hit List cast filming a commercial for Bond 45. I turned the television off and had a strange craving for ITALIAN! SEAFOOD! STEAK! And this, after my Star Wars Day/Derby Day/5th of May gorge fest where I stuffed myself with five miso soups, four seaweed salads, three soy burger dinners, two tofu dog platters, and one pasta with meatless balls. And it doesn’t taste the same, FYI.

One More Thought…

No, wait…I actually think I’ve covered it all. I hope there wasn’t anything in this episode that was egregiously overlooked.

SMASH Don’t Give a Shit: “The Producers”

My DVR recorded SMASH. I saw the red light and everything. Then when I pressed, “play” it mysteriously deleted itself. I am telling you, SMASH is trying to evade me.

I love that NBC has mentioned that SMASH is heavily watched by some of the most wealthy viewers in the country, but placed the two hour season finale on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend, when everyone will be partying at Emily Thorne’s beach house in the Hamptons.

Not me, SMASH! I’m on funemployment, so you can throw all the witchcraft you want at my DVR… I have a 64 GB prop from Hit List and a $25 iTunes gift card to burn…

Top 10 Times SMASH Didn’t Give a Shit and Other Things I Loved: “The Producers”

1.) Ivy’s Winesday: The only person more tired than Ivy on her press tour, is ME writing these recaps. There was a time way back in the frozen tundra of MARCH, when a guest appearance by Kathie Lee Gifford would have inspired an entire blog. But how am I supposed to be committed when this episode opens with a fourth hour of the TODAY show that even Hoda called out of?

I guess somewhere between the last two episodes, Bombshell went from being Newsies to Leap of Faith. Eileen is overwerking Ivy by having her do press events before the matinee and two interviews in between shows. Eileen promises Ivy will be backstage for the evening show by half hour, which proved to me that Ivy can take this kind of pressure, for she is surely the first woman in the history of the American Theatre that only needs thirty minutes to get ready.

I’ve deduced that this episode of TODAY was a Winesday. However, Kathie Lee couldn’t even do Ivy a solid by providing her with a fishbowl of alcohol. Nope. The only wine in this episode came in the form of the actual whining happening downtown at Hit List.

2.) That’s Right, Folks. It’s a Hit List Episode: I want to thank everyone for their patience regarding the length it has taken me to publish this recap. But, it was a Hit List episode paired with Ivy narrating a clip show from season four of Will & Grace. “The Producers” gave me a serious case of linguistic constipation. I liken this issue of “SMASH Don’t Give a Shit” to what happens when you push a fart through a clogged colon. No amount of kale chips could evacuate my creative blockage this week. You’ve been warned…

3.) FART!

4.) POOP!

5.) That Awkward Moment When … :

  • My original recap for this episode was just a list of rhetorical questions that started to read like a BroadwayWorld message board thread.
  • Oh my God, is Hit List supposed to be RENT? #MINDBLOWN
  • Julia is now using the actual 180 page version of The Great Gatsby instead of a copy of the hard cover epic she gave Tom last week that I’ve since been calling The Great Gatsby and the Order of the Phoenix.
  • Kyle’s mom was played by Carolee Carmello and/or Marin Mazzie.
  • Carolee Carmello and/or Marin Mazzie did a deliberate caricature of Karen’s parents.
  • Carolee Carmello is involved in Hit List, confirming the show will only receive one Tony nomination.
  • AEA doesn’t fine actors for being late Off-Broadway.
  • Derek Wills did a project that Linda was not the PSM for and the entire thing went to shit.
  • Karen saw Jimmy was cracked out downstage of her, with all the contemporary oozers, but she did the trust fall anyway.
  • Karen sounded like a sack of nickels when she hit the deck.
  • Exactly how many versions of “The Bitch of Living” are in Hit List?

6.) iHit List: Between the La Boheme number in Hit List and the impending production of The Great Gatsby, Scott should just rename his theatre the Baz Luhrmann Werkshop. I don’t doubt that Scott is a fantastic artistic director but how big is his budget? Where did they get the money for twenty iPads? Who charges them at night? Do they have AppleCare Plus on all of those iPads? Maybe the Manhattan Theatre Workshop held a Kickstarter to “enhance production values” like American Psycho.

7.) The Scarves are Back: Y’all, it is finally winter in the SMASHiverse. The scarves this week were putting season one Julia to shame. Sam Strickland’s scarf almost ate his head. Scott saw Sam’s scarf and raised him a sweater. Agnes threw down with a cheetah print that made Daryl Roth go, “I guess I brought a sensible black turtleneck to a gunfight.” In the end, Kevin McCollum proved everyone an amateur by wearing a floor length periwinkle scarf with no sense of irony. #WerkKevinMcCollum

8.) Ana Double Fists It: My favorite part of this entire episode was when Ana spoke to Kyle’s dad about the silk number while drinking out of a red party cup and then point five seconds later, was seen holding a beer. In an episode where lives and relationships were put in jeopardy, it was comforting to have some stability in Ana’s substance abuse problem that nobody seems to take as seriously as Jimmy’s.

9.) Cracked Out Jimmy is My New Best Friend: The only person who drops more truth bombs than Ana is Cracked Out Jimmy. Cracked Out Jimmy is the best thing to happen to SMASH this season. I don’t care what anybody says. Anyone who gets on a bar and basically tells Karen, “you have the emotional complexity of a Trapper Keeper“ then points out how the one genuinely pure character has now suddenly been regressed to a fraggle hussy is “A-OK” in my book.

P.S. Can Cracked Out Jimmy please make an appearance on the NY1 Tony Red Carpet coverage? If you thought those hosts look petrified before, Cracked Out Jimmy will stand their already flown-away hair on end!

10.) Was Kyle Just Hit By a Street Sweeper?: Navigating the New York City streets can be tricky business. Especially in the dark, in the middle of the night, when no cars are around, and you’re distracted by your own angst driven self-indulgent shame spiral.

I firmly believe that if Kyle was checking his Facebook, or something, he wouldn’t have gotten hit by an M60 bus, street sweeper, Chinese food delivery bike, or whatever the hell that was. Look, I don’t know if he actually got hit by anything. For all we know he dodged it. I’ve yet to read any of Playbill.com, BroadwayWorld, All That Chat, or NBC and Josh Safran’s spoilers, so back off!

I digress. I dare you to try walking in New York without looking down at your phone.  I tried it once and tripped three times over the course of twelve blocks. I’m telling you, autopilot saves lives.

Seriously, though. Kyle doesn’t die. I know this! On the downloaded version of the episode (the one that will go on Netflix and DVD for eternity), an instrumental of “The 20th Century Fox Mambo” plays during the credits. Like… Kyle gets hit by a tractor trailer…Black Out…”The 20th Century Fox Mambo.” What kind of sick fuck would make that kind of edit if Kyle was more than just slightly maimed?

Until Next Week…

Take a moment to vote for SMASH in the final round of E ONLINE’S “SAVE ONE SHOW” POLL! SMASH has had an amazing sense of humor when it comes to “SMASH Don’t Give a Shit,” so this is the least we could all do.

I’ve already voted, and this was the kind of sarcasm I was met with…

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SMASH Don’t Give a Shit: “Opening Night”

On Saturday night, I felt a great disturbance in the Force. As if 1.908 million voices suddenly cried out in glee and were suddenly silenced. I feared something terrible had happened. After viewing SMASH the next morning, I can honestly admit that my greatest fear had been realized. SMASH was good.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Did you snort some of Jimmy’s stash and pop a few of Ivy’s pills in the Marilyn Yourself powder room?” Maybe… But, after enduring countless hours of a show that might as well be renamed, The Magical Karen Cartwright, SMASH served up an episode that had moments befitting of what we would expect from that Broadway themed HBO pilot directed by Kathryn Bigelow that didn’t happen.

I bet you’re under the impression I’m going to gush about SMASH this entire recap. Well, not so fast George Banks, there were still plenty of SMASHtatsic moments in this episode and the Force was balanced by the return of Julia’s son, the Jar Jar Binks of network television…

Top 10 Times SMASH Didn’t Give a Shit and Other Things I Loved: “Opening Night”

1.) NBC Can’t Make Tuesdays at 10pm Werk: SMASH’s Tuesday night replacement, Ready for Love (or as I have previously called it: Gabby Solis Presents The Bachelor on the Deal or No Deal Set) was prematurely canceled after two episodes. LOL.

ParenthoodSMASH, and Ready for Love have all failed to thrive at 10pm on Tuesday night. Before the Leno/Conan debacle of 2009/10, the now troubled time slot was dominated by Law & Order: SVU in the 2000’s and Dateline in the 1990s. Could it be that audiences are just pissed off they aren’t getting their Tuesday night episodic crime solving fix? Well, NBC, a few weeks ago I came up with a spin-off suggestion that I now firmly believe could solve all your problems…

.

In the Broadway community, the position of an offstage cover is considered especially boring. In New York City, the two dedicated detectives who choose to investigate vicious felonies between “half -hour” and fifteen minutes before curtain call, are members of an elite squad known as the Special Witnesses Investigating Narcotics, Gangs, and Stuff (S.W.I.N.G.S.). These are their stories…

.

SWINGS

2.) Julia is the Worst Brainstormer: Julia obviously don’t give a shit about Bombshell if the first things she brings up to Tom right after the last preview are horrible suggestions for musicals they could write together. Gulliver’s Travels? The Lord of the Flies? I’ll bet Julia is pissed someone beat her to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. What’s her obsession with books? Doesn’t Julia know there are movie titles out there in desperate need of re-commercialization? I’m starting to think Julia should completely ditch Tom and start working with Frank Wildhorn. They could polish off my high school reading list by musicalizing MausCatcher in the Rye, Snow Falling on Cedars, and One Hundred Years of Solitude.

I thought Julia was being sarcastic when she suggested musicalizing The Very Hungry Caterpillar. No. She was dead serious. She thinks it would be a good project for Julie Taymor. Isn’t Ms. Taymor busy doing pre-pro on Good Night Moon?

3.) Nail the Noir! : This section was originally intended to discuss how ridiculously awesome it is that Tom casually gets thrown big Broadway directing projects like he’s some kind of Rob Ashford, that the producer tried to spell out how directing is a full time job like Tom has the mental capacity of Julia’s son, and that I have this sinking feeling the City of Angels revival cast is about to get seriously Funny Girled, but then I went into the kitchen to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and got distracted by the original cast recording of RENT that occasionally plays on a loop in the back of my brain (#LongestRunOnSentenceEver).

SIDEBAR FROM 1996: Have you ever spoken any of the lyrics in RENT aloud without the melody?

EXAMPLE: “I don’t own emotion. I rent.”

I said that on my last date and the other person was like, “Is your emotion controlled or stabilized?” 

4.) Eileen Rand Don’t Give a Shit About Richard, the Times, or her PantiesEileen gave the most subtly emasculating dig at a man’s bedroom skills on opening night of Bombshell. Richard said, “I’ll stand around like a prop while you pretend to enjoy yourself” and Eileen responded with, “I’ve been doing that for weeks. What’s one more night?” BURN! Remind me never to sleep with Eileen Rand, for she may hop over to All That Chat and write about how I have half the grace of my predecessor.

I would like to thank Daphne Rubin-Vega for making me picture a sixty-one year old woman in a knee length pencil skirt without wearing any underwear. Thank you for that, Ms. Rubin-Vega. While we’re at it, I want you all to do a Google image search for Fran Weissler and imagine that she isn’t wearing any underwear in all of those photos… You’re welcome.

Eileen wore an understated garment to the opening night of Bombshell. I was disappointed. I prefer my Anjelica Huston like this…

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5.) That Awkward Moment When … : SMASH was awesome. Full disclosure: there have been plenty of times when I’ve honestly enjoyed SMASH. I do not choose to share them with you because they make me feel dirty and ashamed. However, I can not let Ivy’s opening night in Bombshell pass by without stepping out of character and acknowledging how truly remarkable it was.

At last, we got to witness Ivy sing “Don’t Forget Me.” I was concerned when the male ensemble surrounded her and Ivy gave a very “on the nose” turn to JFK on the lyric about singing “Happy Birthday” to someone you love. However, when the men faded into the images of all the people who paved the road to that moment in Ivy’s life, I found myself overcome with the forgotten emotions of that seventeen year old who chose to tap dance instead of [insert any career choice that could actually pay my rent].

Everything clicked. Ivy’s true conflict is not something as base as becoming a “star.” It is about universal vs. parental acceptance. I realized that Ivy’s story is an allegory for SMASH. Something striving so valiantly to appeal to an entity that will forever find itself superior. That is what Ivy was to Leigh Conroy and that is what SMASH is to the theatrical community. It’s not that SMASH doesn’t give a shit. It’s that SMASH cares so much. For that reason alone, I can’t help but love SMASH.

Once I reached my tearful epiphany, I turned off the TV and retired to my bedroom where I gave myself fifty-lashes to the revival cast recording of Sweeney Todd.

6.) Does Julia’s Son Have Asperger Syndrome? : No. Really. This is a genuine question. I honestly believe Julia’s son is meant to be played with Asperger Syndrome. I have to think this, because I love Telsey & Co., and refuse to believe that this actor made it through a prescreen if the role of Leo Houston was written any other way.

Asperger’s Syndrom Symptoms:

  • Not being able to read others’ body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking. (NOTE: JULIA WAS TRYING TO TALK ABOUT MOVING OUT OF TOM’S APARTMENT WHILE LEO CHOSE TO WALK INTO ANOTHER ROOM AND RANDOMLY PULL THE GREAT GATSBY OFF THE SHELF.)
  • Be preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about. Many children with Asperger’s syndrome are overly interested in parts of a whole or in unusual activities, such as designing houses, drawing highly detailed scenes… (NOTE: LEO’S OBSESSION LAST SEASON WITH ADOPTING CHILDREN FROM CHINA.)
  • Talk a lot, usually about a favorite subject. One-sided conversations are common. Internal thoughts are often verbalized. (NOTE: LEO BEING VOCALLY EXCITED TO SEE IVY NAKED.)
  • Avoid eye contact or stare at others. (NOTE: THE ACTOR’S CHOICE TO IGNORE BEATS AND LISTENING SKILLS.)
  • Teens with Asperger’s are typically uninterested in following social norms, fads, or conventional thinking, allowing creative thinking and the pursuit of original interests and goals. (NOTE: LEO CAME UP WITH THE NEW MUSICAL IDEA FOR TOM AND JULIA. HE GOT THE IDEA IN TOM’S LIBRARY, WHERE APPARENTLY ALL MUSICAL INCEPTIONS TAKE PLACE RE: ELLIS & MARILYN: THE MUSICAL)
  • Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills. (NOTE: DURING THE OPENING NIGHT TOAST, EVERYONE RAISED THEIR GLASS AND THEN TOOK A DRINK. LEO DID THAT IN REVERSE.)

Many Asperger Syndrome cases remain ignored or undiagnosed and carry on without treatment. I believe this to be the case with Julia and Leo. The blatant denial of Leo’s condition is one of the more layered stories on SMASH.

7.) Ana Vargas: the Convenient Slut: When Ana isn’t easily pulling focus from Karen, she is confined to near prostitution to further another character’s plot. The Jimmy Collins backstory was moving at a glacial pace until Ana Vargas went and slutted it up with Jimmy’s brother. Ana was like, “For the love of God, Karen… I’m living a string of one night stands just so you and Jimmy can stink up our bedroom with intercourse that most likely resembles what would happen if a jackhammer mated with an hour of C-SPAN … Now I have to whore it out with Adam just so the audience can understand why Jimmy is written so one dimensionally?” Karen should back the fuck off and let Ana sing whatever she wants to in Hit List. 

8.) Too. Many. Cameos. : Donna McKechnie and Edward Hibbert played those loud theatre patrons who want everyone on the street to know how much they hated the show.  Professional show haters, such as myself, know how to communicate our disdain through stealth knee nudges and calculated eye-rolls. Edward Hibbert was not having the fact that Ivy’s bio revealed she had been, “knocking around the ensemble for years.” I guess when you’re the star, you get enough words in your bio to specify the ensemble track you had in each show. Anything over thirty words sounds luxurious to me. My last bio was restricted to fewer characters than my last tweet.

9.) The Most Masculine Broadway Opening Night Party Ever: The opening night party for Bombshell rocked. PSM Linda wasn’t invited. But other than that, the party was awesome. The event took place at the Hotel Carter and I had no idea the interior of that rape villa was so gorgeous. I decided to do some research on the glorious Hotel Carter…

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Murder? Haunted? Bed Bugs? Who cares! The Hotel Carter was giving us an all night audition for Julia Houston’s The Great Gatsby. Even Karen Cartwright showed up looking like an F. Scott Fitzgerald wet-dream. But she slowly transformed into the gothic chick who sat behind me in my eighth grade pre-algebra class.

There was a lot of awesome masculine showboating going on between Kyle, Adam, and Jimmy, but that eventually got extinguished by an ice bucket and a completely unrehearsed duet between Karen and Ivy.

Karen kept saying her Bombshell situation was like going to an ex’s wedding. This would be the moment in Ms. Cartwright’s mind where SMASH turned into My Best Friend’s Wedding and Karen became Julia Roberts to Ivy’s Cameron Diaz with Bombshell as Dermot Mulroney. Except, instead of kissing the groom and hijacking a bread van, Karen ruined the wedding with her vocals.

Ivy surely must be as naive as Cameron Diaz’s Kimmy. First she invited the other woman to sing with her, making her the maid of honor at her party, and then she sweetly assumed her new best friend wouldn’t find a way to take her Tony away from her. LOL. Have fun with that on the season finale.

10.) The Return of Daisy the Pilates Instructor: I wonder who took a bong hit and suggested bringing back an “under five” from twelve episodes ago. Enter: Daisy the Pilates Instructor. I was a big supporter of Daisy way back during “The Fall Out” episode, but now I smell shade. Who invited her to opening night? Why was she alone? And more importantly, why was a pilates instructor galavanting around Times Square at all hours of the night when she has to be at New York Sports Club by six in the morning?

Derek got borderline neanderthal around Daisy. The second Daisy said she felt remorse for taking part in the lawsuit against him, he went straight to, “You… Me… Sexy.” How SMASH could follow something as pure as Tom’s pursuit of a hookup younger than the scotch he was fueled by with Derek’s booty call approach that was one step above homo habilis is beyond me.

BOTTOM LINE: I trust Daisy the Pilates Instructor for about as long as I can hold a v-sit.

SMASH Don’t Give a Shit: “The Dress Rehearsal”

SMASH’s time was moved once again this week and I am now fairly certain they are actively trying to evade me. Well, joke’s on you SMASH, because I have nothing to do with my life at eight o’clock on a Saturday night.

I was living for this episode because it’s the closest SMASH has come this season to last year’s brilliance. Ivy slept with Derek. Karen didn’t get everything she wanted. There was even more than we ever needed to see of Ellis. After a week off from “SMASH Don’t Give a Shit,” I am happy to be back and #SoBlessed it was with an episode like this.

Top 10 Times SMASH Didn’t Give a Shit and Other Things I Loved: “The Dress Rehearsal”

1.) The Gypsy Run: The truest statement ever spoken in the history of SMASH came when Ivy Lynn said, “Whoever thought it was a good idea to have your first performance be in front of your friends and family was obviously not an actor.” Any semblance of realism in this episode pretty much stopped after that.

I guess Bombshell moved from the Belasco to the Lyceum, which is actually the fictitious Lily Hayes that apparently doubles as the magical Mary Poppins bag version of theatres because that interior is HUGE. I was hoping for SMASH to go for it and really introduce the world to the kind of trashtastic event that is a typical Broadway “gypsy run.” However, a few important details were missing…

Things I wish we saw at the Bombshell final dress rehearsal:

  • An apologetic curtain speech from the director.
  • A tech table that takes up 90% of the orchestra seating.
  • Disgruntled actors who are pissed they have to sit all the way house right because said tech table is in the way.
  • A full house. That mezzanine should have been filled with Jessica and Bobby’s actor friends, judging Bombshell quietly and safely out of the production team’s earshot.
  • Those “Do You Have an Extra Ticket?” people. I’d give anything for there to have been a scene outside the Lily Hayes theatre where someone from the Liaisons cast was approached by one those homeless people who ALWAYS END UP SITTING IN FRONT OF ME AT OPENING NIGHTS. I swear I saw one of those creatures at the Matilda opening last week werk their way from the back of the balcony to house seats. No joke. That bitch was next to Peter Dinklage at the buffet. I don’t know how they do it.

2.) SMASH Still Hates Ellis: SMASH hates Ellis so much they physically brought him back to be some sort of Inception-double-dream punchline. They paid poor Jaime Cepero to come back to the role in which he was universally hated by the entire audience that watched. They made him take his shirt off and get in bed with Tom for the sole purpose of scaring the shit out of us. They wanted us to feel the horror Tom felt. I’ll admit it worked, but hasn’t Ellis been through enough? He was the face of AnnoyingActorFriend for eight months straight (the longest held by any actor to date), and now SMASH is paying him to basically be the musical theatre version of a Halloween prank. Those five seconds of screen time are five more seconds than I’ve spent on a primetime television show. So props to you, Mr. Cepero. As long as the check clears…

3.) Sam Strickland Don’t Give a Shit: Sam Strickland has evolved into that friend you have that constantly complains about their Broadway show. And I don’t know ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE. But you know what? I’m not even going to fault him for it. We don’t know how old Sam is, but if he’s the same age as Leslie Odam Jr., he did Take Me Out before graduating from college. That may not even have been his Broadway debut. Sam went from performing in the Tony Award winning Best Play of 2003, to FOURTH male swing from the left. If someone named, “Tristan” had seniority over me, I’d probably want to quit, too.

People like Sam exist. They are the performers who make it into a Broadway ensemble and that’s it. They jump from show to show, remain employed, but are essentially hitting a theatrical glass ceiling. College doesn’t teach you what to do after that. Some people are more than content living that lifestyle and some are not. I’d love to sit on a soap box and complain about how #grateful and #blessed Sam should feel, but I’d be denying the fact that he is a pretty solid representation of a group of people within this industry.

That being said, let’s get a few things straight, Mr. Strickland. You do not work for Tom. You work for Linda. Your agent needs to stay out of it, and stop calling you to let you know if you’re going on or not. Let PSM Linda do her fucking job.

4.) BOOBIES!!!: There have been many times when I felt SMASH was written by a thirteen year old girl who saw Wicked a few times and thought, “I know Broadway.” But I’m damn near positive this last episode was written by a thirteen year old boy who hasn’t figured out how to take the parental filter off the family computer. This week’s bar for maturity was set about as low as my own.

My notes for this episode have four or five separate bullet points that just read, “NUDDIE!!!” This juvenile obsession with nudity in Bombshell was on an Animal House meets Revenge of the Nerds level. And, since I’m essentially a twelve year-old, I loved every minute!

Everybody wanted to see boobies this week. Julia loved seeing the boobies. Eileen loved seeing the boobies to an extent that bordered on uncomfortable. Jessica and Bobby loved the boobies so much they went to BroadwayWorld and TheaterMania to read about how much everyone else loved the boobies. Just when the love of boobies verged on too much, SMASH dropped the subject to talk about Sam’s penis. With only six episodes remaining, I don’t think it will ever get more SMASHtastic than this.

While we’re on the subject… What exactly was underneath Ivy’s clothes? This a serious question. The two times Ivy dropped trou elicited horror from the audience. It was like in Scrooged, when the Ghost of Christmas Future opened his robe. Is nudity so taboo that audible gasps happened both times Ivy bared it all? If SMASH wanted to go the realistic route (LOL) they would have had half the audience pull out camera phones like they were at Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Just when I was about to give up on what was so shocking about Ms. Lynn’s full monty, Julia raised a glass in honor of Ivy at Table 46 and said, “girl’s got balls.”

(I warned you. I’m twelve.)

5.) That Awkward Moment When … :

  • I got so smashed doing #smashedwithsmash last week that I have no memory of Derek and Ivy getting back together.
  • I spent twenty-five minutes debating whether or not Tom saying “Hello. Hello. Where is everybody?” was a naked reference to Bobby Child in Crazy for You.
  • Days of Our Lives promo happened during a commercial break. It’s come to that…
  • I accepted the blue Greek coffee cups because they were just on Mad Men which means they are now a pretentiously brilliant prop choice.
  • I don’t think anyone knows the actual name of the guy playing JFK.
  • Jimmy wrote nine songs and thought nine of them “might suck” when it took twenty-five people to write all of Hit List’s songs and… none of them suck.
  • Jimmy was “only on adderall”… But we’ve seen what prednisone is capable of doing in the SMASHiverse.
  • There was someone over thirty in Bombshell.
  • Bombshell ain’t got no quick change dressers.
  • William Ivey Long is not the designer because those quick change costumes would have been magnetized or velcro at the very least.
  • Julia didn’t want to bother Tom because HE WAS IN TECH.
  • Eileen walked out on yet another check at Table 46. I don’t think Eileen Rand’s national tours are full production contract.

6.) Hermi-Ana GrangerWhen Ana learned silks in five minutes, I suggested that maybe she went to Hogwarts, because only a wizard could work such magic. It may have taken Jimmy 72 hours and adderall to write nine songs, but it only took Hermi-Ana a commercial break to learn them. She must have that time changer thingy from Prisoner of Azkaban. Hopefully Hermi-Ana knows some kind of spell to protect her from all that contemporary oozing the ensemble was doing around her.

Karen really showed her true colors this week. If I opened my bedroom up for a friend in need and they treated me in the same emotionally abusive way Karen treats Ana, I’d dump their ass on the sidewalk. When Karen told Ana, “He only gave you that song because he was pissed at me” I wanted to come through the television screen and punch her in the throat. Thank God Ana said what we’ve all been thinking for twenty-six episodes… “Are you kidding? WOW.”

7.) PSM Linda Better WERK: This was PSM Linda’s chance to really shine. She called the dress rehearsal without a tech table. She broke a fog machine. She shortened the intermission. She dealt with an eight year-old. She ain’t got no ASM, so she called the show from stage right. Linda is over-werked! I guess that’s Josh Safran’s excuse for giving her a vacation for the rest of the season. Let’s hold a five minute moment of silence for PSM Linda…

Thank you, five.

Linda may be absent from the rest of the season, but you can bet I’ll find a way to shoehorn her into these recaps.

8.) Kyle’s Comeback: Just so you know, Kyle Bishop is “good at this” now. He can write a libretto. He learned how to last week. Scott and Julia taught Kyle that you don’t need to lay all your loose-leaf material out on a table and move it around at random. You can use a bulletin board and colored note cards! So back off, Jimmy Whatsername. Kyle’s got this!

In a shocking turn of events, Kyle sided with Derek’s decision to open the show with the Diva. I don’t really know if Derek actually likes Ana. I stopped paying attention when Derek, Jimmy, and Karen became Dylan, Kelly, and Brenda. I’ve already seen that show.

9.) Bombshell’s Intermission: Team Bombshell’s intermission dilemma should be studied in technical theatre school. It was that awesome. Intermission was running long because that gigantic balsa wood plane takes forever to setup. You would think they were sinking the Titanic or engaging in the Battle of Helms Deep. Julia suggests cutting and pasting “Dig Deep” to the top of Act II, to give more time for the stage hands to setup that Diet Cameron Makintosh Spectacle. I don’t understand why they didn’t just cut the plane for the first preview. Stuff like that happens all the time. For example: Thoroughly Modern Millie cut Erin Dilly before the first preview.

Moving “Dig Deep” required the number to be re-staged as an “in one.” This meant no less than ten premium ticket holding audience members had to stand in the back of the house while cast members took their seats. Actors don’t pay for tickets. Ever. So had this happened at the Gypsy Run or when I was papered in, you can bet I’d have walked out. Audience participation is my worst nightmare. I’ve never seen Act II of The Mystery of Edwin Drood. If an actor steps off the stage I get automatic hives. It’s actually scarier to me than waking up next to Ellis.

Since nobody really knows what Bombshell looks like as a fully realized piece, I’m going to have to accept the fact that “Dig Deep” made about as much sense at the top of Act II as it did in its original spot. However, I would have preferred it if Julia flexed her book writing muscles a little more and gifted us with something as truly awesome as Spider-Man‘s infamous Geek Chorus. Those skinny-jeaned-angsty-teens were Julie Taymor’s answer to, “Oh, shit. We need something to distract the audience while we’re moving the set.” The Geek Chorus consisted of six Andy Mientus’ and the Asian girl from GLEE. I’m still not entirely convinced Kyle wasn’t one of the members of the Geek Chorus. It would explain why he was waiting tables.

10.) Google Terms: Tom typed an extensive amount of terms into Google to find the New York Times article on Bombshell. He searched: bombshell, broadway, preview, wednesday. I have a feeling he could have omitted a few of those terms and still found what he wanted.

AnnoyingActorFriend.com has a feature in its statistics that allows me to see how people have accessed my site through Google and what terms they used. Allow me to share with you a few of my favorites from the last three months…

  • smash hates urban cowboy <— they sure do.
  • how annoying is new cast on smash <— #rude
  • ana from smash hairstyles <— #werk
  • steven spielberg shit <— hope this wasn’t a search for Spielberg’s actual poo.
  • shit to read <— hope this guy wasn’t let down.
  • sondheim dungeon <— #soproud
  • singing does not put food on the table singing does not pay the bills singing is no guarantee to a future even if you have got talent <— seriously word for word.
  • i’m sorry ana <— aren’t we all.
  • soyblessed urban dictionary <— SoyBlessed is not in the Urban Dictionary. #mustchangethis

 

#smashedwithsmash: “The Surprise Party”

Tonight I drank a few martinis and pressed play on the old DVR to enjoy the first Saturday installment of SMASH. As promised, I took notes completely blasted…

When constructing an edition of “SMASH Don’t Give a Shit,” I handwrite several notes, and then expand upon them in my top ten. Usually these notes are raw and unfiltered. Tonight, you get to see them unedited. I’m surprised there aren’t more spelling errors…

Writing two recaps in one week is a lot of werk, so if I wakeup tomorrow morning without a headache, I’ll be happy to compose one for “The Surprise Party.” If not, then you’re stuck with this…

SMASH: “The Surprise Party”

Surprise! SMASH was moved to hospice. This party sucks.

OH GOD THEY’RE IN TECH!

No, something that ends YEARS of friendship would be allowing Karen to be Marilyn.

Why is ANYONE following Julia’s son on Instagram? #specialneeds #nofilter

We get it. Nobody likes Michael Riedel.

This guy was once on Homeland.

Karen is the new Ellis.

LOL. Kyle’s trying to be involved.

Tom forgot Ivy’s birthday? Guess they’re not Facebook friends…

PSM Linda is OBVIOUSLY Ivy’s Facebook friend.

Ivy “loves her birthday”? I haven’t “loved” my birthday since I turned 21.

Siri knows how to “Call Liza”? #gayestphoneever

Jimmy is too angry to have written this Ashlee Simpson/Taylor Swift bull shit.

Oh dear god Karen is dancing again.

Homeland guy is like, “Jesus, I suffered a terrorist induced heart attack for this?”

Wait, now even the Homeland guy likes Karen? #imdone

The Diva is not a character? Wait.. The role you didn’t cast before rehearsals began, then assigned to the drunk girl at the bar on some random night, needs more development?

Please explain your feelings towards dramaturgs, Julia. Because I thought they were only sexual…and: SHOW DOCTOR!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The boys have talent but they don’t have time? They only have a month? They only got their chicken scratch show off broadway in five minutes.

Crap here come those Greek coffee cups again.

“Compartmentalized” is a big word for Karen.

Ivy get over it. Tom cast you as Marilyn. He could have called Sutton.

Julia, using a “board” to structure a musical is a fancy way of saying, “We don’t know what the fuck we’re doing.”

“Are you ashamed of me?” -Karen “Of course not.” -Jimmy “LOL” -America

If checking your phone is the international symbol for, “I’d rather be having a root canal,” then I guess I’ve been checking my phone all season.

Thank god Eileen said, “POV” instead of “point of view.” You might not be saving syllables, but you sound cool!

Oh, god. The bulletin board. Nothing says, “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing” more than the ability to randomly move songs around because they were never written to further the plot.

Hey, Jesse L. Martin, it don’t matter if Julia is married or not. Julia don’t give a shit!

Liza said, “Hello, my baby” as in “Hello, my ragtime gal.”

So, Ivy has ALWAYS wanted to meet Liza. And Tom knows that. But he waited until he was on Ivy’s shit list to ask Siri to call her? Tom = worst friend ever.

Richard left without either finishing or throwing his martini.

Michael Riedel has a SAG card and I don’t.

So much alcohol. So little Ana.

SMASH decided to just become an “All That Chat” wet dream, that “All That Chat” will judge heavily.

Nobody struggles on SMASH. I triple dog dare them to have a character that ISN’T working.

I wouldn’t say Ivy overreacted a “teeny bit.” I mean, she was never wearing angel wings in Times Square, so I call it a successful evening.

LOL. They are trying to make Kyle matter.

Why is Tom mad at Ivy for going to her other party? I missed something, I guess I was too distracted by booze and Jessica’s indifference.

LOL. Jimmy’s Hit List character said to Karen’s Hit List character, “You’re life is perfect. You have everything.” and then she said, “No I don’t.” and then I said, “JESUS CHRIST.”

This Jimmy/Karen/Derek scene is golden. I need to watch it again sober.

WHY WASN’T HIT LIST WRITTEN BEFORE THEY STARTED FILMING THIS SEASON???

That’s right, we don’t need to call it “dramaturg.” We could maybe call it what it is…

I’m glad this “Bittersweet Symphony” cover is happening five episodes after the Liaisons/Cruel Intentions  plot ended.

Derek has Facebook and reads his Facebook invites. Or he tracks Ivy’s iphone.

***

Believe it or not, these archaic scratchings are a pretty solid representation of what eventually turns into “SMASH Don’t Give a Shit”

GOOD NIGHT!

UPDATE: This will stand as my recap for “The Surprise Party.” Regular “SMASH Don’t Give a Shit” issues will continue with the next episode.