Category Archives: Drinking Games

LET ME TELL YOU WHY BIRDMAN WAS NOT LIKE REAL BROADWAY: The Annoying Actor Friend’s 2015 Academy Awards Drinking Game

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This isn’t Birdman‘s night. Or Boyhood‘s. Not Eddie’s, or Patricia’s, or even Anne Hathaway’s. The evening belongs to we, the people. This is social media’s biggest night, and I hope we break new ground in finding a way to make J.K. Simmons’ Oscar about us.

Between Neil Meron and Craig Zadan’s obsession with superfluous musical numbers, and Neil Patrick Harris’ mere presence, Broadway Internet is going to be weathering a four hour orgasm — so you may want to grab an extra bottle, or ten, to help you deal with that.

DRINKING RULES!!!

Drink every time…

  • Neil sings.
  • Neil dances.
  • Neil gets serious.
  • Neil cracks a joke.
  • Neil can do anything.
  • None of us will ever be like Neil.
  • Hugh Jackman shows up to say, “Musicals are back,” and then thanks his wife.
  • There’s a reference to the selfie of last year, or they do anything having to do with pandering to social media.
  • There’s an appearance by an actor you’ve seen in a Broadway show (drink twice if it was Emma Stone, because fuck man, how good was Emma Stone in Cabaret?)
  • Drink if you loved Emma Stone in The House Bunny.
  • She was also really good in Superbad.
  • Drink when someone says the word, “gay.”
  • Finish your drink if one of your Facebook friends is trying to live status the event, but their posts aren’t showing up in chronological order on your newsfeed.
  • There is a musical number that has nothing to do with any of the music nominated.
  • There’s anything referencing Into the Woods.
  • A winner says the word, “grateful.” (one of the songs nominated is literally called “Grateful,” so drink twice when it is performed, and finish your drink if it wins. Also, my second book, #GRATEFUL, will be released later this year. #staytuned. #shamelessselfpromotion. #drinkifyoumadeitthroughallofthesehashtags.)
  • There is an Adele Dazim joke (Finish your drink because that was like six years ago).
  • If someone makes an Adele Dazim joke that is followed up with someone else saying, “Let it Go,” finish the bottle and then beat yourself to death with it.
  • Joan Rivers on the “In Memoriam.” (because remember #Dim4Joan? See how I’ve already made this show about me and it hasn’t even aired yet?)
  • Someone mentions that the telecast is longer than it took to film Boyhood (or some version of that joke).
  • Neil is really proud of himself.
  • And you jump out your window.
  • Or DO you…?

In closing, I’d like to acknowledge that eight Best Picture nominees is a bit douchey. Some of us haven’t paid our SAG dues, and had to borrow screeners from friends. I didn’t get to see all of the nominated films, but here is my take on them based on their titles…

ANNOYING ACTOR FRIEND’S NOMINEES FOR BEST PICTURE

AMERICAN SNIPER
When a person posts something on social media that makes you feel inferior. 

BIRDMAN OR (THE UNEXPECTED VIRTUE OF IGNORANCE)
Like Smash, but with explosions and flying — so more realistic.

BOYHOOD
Newsies.

THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL
A documentary following an aging actress who must tour the country on a tiered contract — and her recollection of days when every hotel on a full Production contract was grand.

THE IMITATION GAME
That thing where your director gets up during rehearsal and says, “Let me be you.”

SELMA
Eight non-Equity interns working in the Alabama Shakespeare Festival must commute from Selma, because the company manager couldn’t find them housing closer to the theatre. 

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING
Like, you know when the gays say, “That’s EVERYTHING?” But about music theory. 

WHIPLASH
The incredible true story of the cast of “Promises, Promises” learning the original choreography for Turkey Lurkey Time.

A DRINKER’S GUIDE TO LOVE & MURDER, AND THE TONY AWARDS

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The Tonys evoke feelings of love. They can also evoke the desire to murder. Something is bound to piss you off during the telecast — and I don’t know what that’ll be because that’s your damage. However, Neil Patrick Harris is going to be there, so there’s a 90% chance he’ll say some shit like, “We were that kid,” and we’ll all break into an ugly cry.

That being said, you’re going into this evening as someone who is either involved in theatre, or passionate about it, so it’s obvious you’re dealing with a lot of erratic emotions. The best way to keep them in check is with copious amounts of alcohol. So! Grab several of your favorite drinks, pour one out for The Bridges of Madison County, and let’s get started!

THE RULES:

You might remember a few of these rules from last year’s Drinky Boots, and I’m not even ashamed to recycle them because they are as timeless as Judith Light.

As per usual, all rules apply to what is happening on screen, through social media, or wherever you are viewing it.. Unless otherwise specified, drink when:

  • You hear the words: “live theatre”
  • The Carnegie Mellon tribute happens and you applied there but didn’t get in.
  • Someone performs a skill that you can’t learn in a conservatory but have to acquire at Chelsea Piers, Clown College, or Hogwarts.
  • You roll your eyes.
  • A winner thanks God in their acceptance speech (take one drink for them, and one for the latest national tragedy that God didn’t get a chance to stop because He was too busy helping that person win a Tony).
  • James Franco posts something on Instagram.
  • James Franco deletes a post from Instagram.
  • Someone cries (drink twice if it’s someone you’re with).
  • The sound doesn’t work (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
  • There is a technical issue (again, drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
  • Hollywood celebrity!
  • Someone spells it Tony’s. #unfriend.
  • Adele Dazim joke. And if there is one of these, finish your damn bottle because nothing will define Broadway’s finger-on-the-pulse-of-pop-culture more than the over-flogging of a horse that’s been dead three months.
  • RE: ^…. SMASH reference.
  • Someone uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form. That includes ironically.
  • You see someone you know on stage.
  • You get bitterly jealous of said person.
  • WALTER WHITE!
  • There is a performance that has nothing to do with the 2014 season. Drink twice if it involves someone who has nothing to do with that show.
  • There is some sort of joke or reference about AEA, national touring, town halls, or SETA contracts. I’d say this is pretty niche for the Tonys, but the Tonys themselves are pretty fucking niche.
  • Drink again if that AEA joke thing happens because YOU GUYS THAT WAS TOTALLY BECAUSE OF US!
  • Anytime a moment is so awkward, your butthole literally clenches.
  • You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there (drink at your own risk).
  • Someone does something that reminds you why you do this.

LIGHTENING ROUND!

The Audra McDonald Tony Record Power Minute: to be played when she wins.

  • Drink once every 10 seconds in the 60 seconds it takes for Audra to make it to the stage. Choose from a selection of four different types of alcohol, in honor of the accomplishment of winning six Tonys in four different categories.

Remember to always drink cautiously, but unapologetically.

***

For more Annoying Actor Friend TONYs fun, checkout Backstage Magazine’s “IF/THEN/WHAT: Surviving the Tonys Online”, follow @Actor_Friend on Twitter, and don’t forget to pickup a copy of #SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend’s Guide to Show Business if you haven’t, because duh.

Stay #blessed, and always #grateful.

DoReMiFaSoLaTi-NI: Annoying Actor Friend’s “The Sound of Music: LIVE!” Drinking Game

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The Sound of Music: LIVE! is coming to NBC. You know what that means? ALCOHOL!!! Whenever another theatrically themed television event roles around, I get a warm-wollen-mittens feeling deep within my heart because I know it’s time for another shameless excuse to drink and complain about my friends and my career choices!

On December 5th, high atop a plywood hilltop in Bethpage, Long Island, The Sound of Music: LIVE! will Julie-Andrews-spin itself right onto our TV sets, “from the people who brought you SMASH!” I love NBC for letting their audience know just where to set their expectations. Talk about bringing up shit that everyone involved with The Sound of Music: LIVE! is probably trying to disassociate themselves from. I mean, that’s like booking a plane ticket to Japan and getting a confirmation email that says, “From the people who brought you Pearl Harbor!”

I want nothing more than for this theatrical venture of NBC’s to be a huge hit and an annual event. It’s great for our industry, employs a lot of people, blah, blah, blah. Furthermore, everyone seems to be getting really sentimental about their childhood and proclaiming that if this event can pique kids’ interest in theatre, it’ll all be worth it. To that I say, for every child in Middle America that is inspired by The Sound of Music: LIVE! there’s a kid in the Tri-State area sipping four-fingers worth of Jack Daniel’s while muttering, “How the fuck did I not get an appointment for this?”

Now, without further adieu – to you, and you, and you (I’m sorry. I hate me too, because that was a stretch), I give you the rules for the Annoying Actor Friend’s “The Sound of Music: LIVE!” Drinking Game…

PRE-GAME: take a shot in honor of everyone you know who is live tweeting or Facebooking the event on a Thursday night at 8pm because it probably means they’re unemployed.

I trust you’ll be surrounded by friends either in person, on social media, or both, so some of these rules pertain to you and those around you as well as what you’ll be viewing on screen. Unless otherwise specified, drink when..

  • Maria twirls on a mountain or performs some other Julie Andrews-ism to indicate to the world, “OK. You got what you wanted. Now shut-the-fuck-up and let us do the damn show.”
  • whenever #blessed or any form of the word #bless is uttered on camera. Half of this musical takes place in a church, so pace yourself.
  • something makes you mad.
  • a set piece breaks.
  • NBC throws an awkward hashtag at the bottom of the screen. #ANSCHLUSS
  • finish your drink whenever a cast member is introduced who wasn’t alive when Carrie Underwood won American Idol.
  • the moment it hits you that this Rolf or Liesl are now going to book everything over you.
  • and then someone is like, “How old is the guy playing Rolf?”
  • you wish Audra was playing Maria.
  • a non-theatrical person is like, “Elsa sings?”
  • you wish Audra was playing the Captain.
  • sound problems.
  • you wish Audra was playing Herr Zeller.
  • the Ländler becomes a ballroom competition.
  • you wish Audra was all of it. the entire show.
  • raise a glass and drink for that one party guest (Baroness Elberfeld) who everyone usually plays as a fall-down-drunk. drink twice if the actress misses this opportunity.
  • do a shot whenever someone giggles or comments about the name Gay-org.
  • dialect issues.
  • the camera makes an awkward cut to an actor who is not really paying attention.
  • someone in the cast is phoning it in like they are doing an open ended run.
  • you’re like, “I’m not surprised that person got cast.”
  • the performance ends and you think it wasn’t half bad and that Carrie Underwood was actually kind of good – finish all the drinks and then call your friends because you need to meet them at a bar and discuss these impure thoughts you’re having. While you’re at the bar, feel free to order the following drink:

 DoReMiFaSoLaTi-NI

The evening’s signature cocktail is not some yuppie drink served with jam and bread. It has seven hardcore ingredients – one to represent each of the von Trapp children. Anyone who has ever done The Sound of Music knows that that’s the amount of alcohol it takes to survive a five show weekend with that many children. Specifically the “Martas.” They’re the worst.

INGREDIENTS:

Liesl (1.5 oz of Tequila): The oldest von Trapp child is one bad-ass chick. Obviously she’s drinking tequila. This spirit can be sipped nicely if it’s a fine añejo being consumed by someone dignified, but let’s be serious, Liesl is the girl with a shot of Cuervo Gold on the side of that drink at Blockheads that has a beer upside-down in a margarita. She needs something stiff if she’s going to have to listen to Rolf belittle her for a verse AND a chorus before she finally gets a chance to whore it up with him.

Friedrich (1.5 oz of Vodka): The oldest von Trapp son gets the esteemed acclaim of representing the most neutral and non-confrontational liquor known to man. Vodka is Friedrich in a nutshell. It can be mixed into anything without disrupting the flavor, and something tells me Friedrich is going to be really into Cosmos one day.

Louisa (1.5 oz of Triple Sec): This orange flavored liquor is often the forgotten ingredient that you need for most drinks. You need triple sec to make a margarita like you need Louisa to complete the solfège in “Do-Re-Mi.” After that, triple sec pretty much just sits on your bar pissed off about how it isn’t tequila.

Kurt (1.5 oz of White Rum): White rum has always been a bit of a question mark, and so is Kurt.

Brigitta (1.5 oz of Gin): In the stage version of The Sound of Music, Brigitta is the one who tells Maria to get her shit together and not be such a fucking dumb-ass for being oblivious of the Captain’s attraction to her. Only a seasoned gin drinker is capable of that kind of awareness at nine years old. Brigitta fucking rocks.

Marta (2.5 oz of Lemon Juice): If I were Marta, I’d be fucking sour too. I think she has one cute line about a pink parasol before Maria literally tells the Captain she knows shit about his sixth child. Marta then spends the rest of the show not being Gretl.

Gretl (A Dash of Coca-Cola): Jesus, people. She’s five years old. I’m not a monster.

PREPARATION:

Mix the ingredients in a glass and serve over ice. In case you’re wondering, yes, you just made a Long Island Iced Tea. This TV special is literally being filmed in LONG ISLAND.