This isn’t Birdman‘s night. Or Boyhood‘s. Not Eddie’s, or Patricia’s, or even Anne Hathaway’s. The evening belongs to we, the people. This is social media’s biggest night, and I hope we break new ground in finding a way to make J.K. Simmons’ Oscar about us.
Between Neil Meron and Craig Zadan’s obsession with superfluous musical numbers, and Neil Patrick Harris’ mere presence, Broadway Internet is going to be weathering a four hour orgasm — so you may want to grab an extra bottle, or ten, to help you deal with that.
Drink every time…
- Neil sings.
- Neil dances.
- Neil gets serious.
- Neil cracks a joke.
- Neil can do anything.
- None of us will ever be like Neil.
- Hugh Jackman shows up to say, “Musicals are back,” and then thanks his wife.
- There’s a reference to the selfie of last year, or they do anything having to do with pandering to social media.
- There’s an appearance by an actor you’ve seen in a Broadway show (drink twice if it was Emma Stone, because fuck man, how good was Emma Stone in Cabaret?)
- Drink if you loved Emma Stone in The House Bunny.
- She was also really good in Superbad.
- Drink when someone says the word, “gay.”
- Finish your drink if one of your Facebook friends is trying to live status the event, but their posts aren’t showing up in chronological order on your newsfeed.
- There is a musical number that has nothing to do with any of the music nominated.
- There’s anything referencing Into the Woods.
- A winner says the word, “grateful.” (one of the songs nominated is literally called “Grateful,” so drink twice when it is performed, and finish your drink if it wins. Also, my second book, #GRATEFUL, will be released later this year. #staytuned. #shamelessselfpromotion. #drinkifyoumadeitthroughallofthesehashtags.)
- There is an Adele Dazim joke (Finish your drink because that was like six years ago).
- If someone makes an Adele Dazim joke that is followed up with someone else saying, “Let it Go,” finish the bottle and then beat yourself to death with it.
- Joan Rivers on the “In Memoriam.” (because remember #Dim4Joan? See how I’ve already made this show about me and it hasn’t even aired yet?)
- Someone mentions that the telecast is longer than it took to film Boyhood (or some version of that joke).
- Neil is really proud of himself.
- And you jump out your window.
- Or DO you…?
In closing, I’d like to acknowledge that eight Best Picture nominees is a bit douchey. Some of us haven’t paid our SAG dues, and had to borrow screeners from friends. I didn’t get to see all of the nominated films, but here is my take on them based on their titles…
ANNOYING ACTOR FRIEND’S NOMINEES FOR BEST PICTURE
When a person posts something on social media that makes you feel inferior.
BIRDMAN OR (THE UNEXPECTED VIRTUE OF IGNORANCE)
Like Smash, but with explosions and flying — so more realistic.
THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL
A documentary following an aging actress who must tour the country on a tiered contract — and her recollection of days when every hotel on a full Production contract was grand.
THE IMITATION GAME
That thing where your director gets up during rehearsal and says, “Let me be you.”
Eight non-Equity interns working in the Alabama Shakespeare Festival must commute from Selma, because the company manager couldn’t find them housing closer to the theatre.
THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING
Like, you know when the gays say, “That’s EVERYTHING?” But about music theory.
The incredible true story of the cast of “Promises, Promises” learning the original choreography for Turkey Lurkey Time.