The Tonys evoke feelings of love. They can also evoke the desire to murder. Something is bound to piss you off during the telecast — and I don’t know what that’ll be because that’s your damage. However, Neil Patrick Harris is going to be there, so there’s a 90% chance he’ll say some shit like, “We were that kid,” and we’ll all break into an ugly cry.
That being said, you’re going into this evening as someone who is either involved in theatre, or passionate about it, so it’s obvious you’re dealing with a lot of erratic emotions. The best way to keep them in check is with copious amounts of alcohol. So! Grab several of your favorite drinks, pour one out for The Bridges of Madison County, and let’s get started!
You might remember a few of these rules from last year’s Drinky Boots, and I’m not even ashamed to recycle them because they are as timeless as Judith Light.
As per usual, all rules apply to what is happening on screen, through social media, or wherever you are viewing it.. Unless otherwise specified, drink when:
- You hear the words: “live theatre”
- The Carnegie Mellon tribute happens and you applied there but didn’t get in.
- Someone performs a skill that you can’t learn in a conservatory but have to acquire at Chelsea Piers, Clown College, or Hogwarts.
- You roll your eyes.
- A winner thanks God in their acceptance speech (take one drink for them, and one for the latest national tragedy that God didn’t get a chance to stop because He was too busy helping that person win a Tony).
- James Franco posts something on Instagram.
- James Franco deletes a post from Instagram.
- Someone cries (drink twice if it’s someone you’re with).
- The sound doesn’t work (drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
- There is a technical issue (again, drink cautiously because it’s going to be a long night).
- Hollywood celebrity!
- Someone spells it Tony’s. #unfriend.
- Adele Dazim joke. And if there is one of these, finish your damn bottle because nothing will define Broadway’s finger-on-the-pulse-of-pop-culture more than the over-flogging of a horse that’s been dead three months.
- RE: ^…. SMASH reference.
- Someone uses the words #grateful or #blessed in any form. That includes ironically.
- You see someone you know on stage.
- You get bitterly jealous of said person.
- WALTER WHITE!
- There is a performance that has nothing to do with the 2014 season. Drink twice if it involves someone who has nothing to do with that show.
- There is some sort of joke or reference about AEA, national touring, town halls, or SETA contracts. I’d say this is pretty niche for the Tonys, but the Tonys themselves are pretty fucking niche.
- Drink again if that AEA joke thing happens because YOU GUYS THAT WAS TOTALLY BECAUSE OF US!
- Anytime a moment is so awkward, your butthole literally clenches.
- You see someone onstage who doesn’t belong there (drink at your own risk).
- Someone does something that reminds you why you do this.
The Audra McDonald Tony Record Power Minute: to be played when she wins.
- Drink once every 10 seconds in the 60 seconds it takes for Audra to make it to the stage. Choose from a selection of four different types of alcohol, in honor of the accomplishment of winning six Tonys in four different categories.
Remember to always drink cautiously, but unapologetically.
For more Annoying Actor Friend TONYs fun, checkout Backstage Magazine’s “IF/THEN/WHAT: Surviving the Tonys Online”, follow @Actor_Friend on Twitter, and don’t forget to pickup a copy of #SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend’s Guide to Show Business if you haven’t, because duh.
Stay #blessed, and always #grateful.