Monthly Archives: May 2015

6 Roles Audra Would Have Won a Tony Award for This Season


It’s the middle of Tonys season, do you know where Audra McDonald is?

Last year, Ms. McDonald made Tony history with her sixth win for Lady Day at Emerson’s Bar & Grill. That’s great and all, but WHY STOP THERE. I admire and respect all the nominated actors and productions this year, the season could have used a little Audra, and here are a few examples of where she would have landed herself six more Tonys…

1.) The Title Role in The Audience: While I’m sure she was transcendent in all the productions she saw this season, Audra would definitely win the Tony for watching Helen Mirren — because I’d watch that.

2.) The Dog in The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time: I didn’t get papered into this play, so I haven’t seen it. However, I am certain there is a dog in it and I’m curious what Audra could have done with the part. We haven’t seen her take home the Tony for playing a literal animal yet, and this would have been a great opportunity for her to show us some real acting “chops” because dogs, specifically, like chops of meat.

3.) Tyrone in Hand to God: Steve Boyer is performing in eight shows a week, playing two different roles. By laws of science, he’s technically doing sixteen performances in the same amount of time it takes Alex Sharp to do six. Maybe some of the pressure could have been taken off of Mr. Boyer by casting Audra in the role of Tyrone. We haven’t seen her take home the Tony for playing a literal puppet yet, and Best Featured Actor in a Play is one of the only categories she hasn’t won. I think.

4.) The Delivery Woman in Fun Home: This role isn’t even in the show. They only reference her through song. I just think Audra and Jeanine Tesori should work together.

5.) Anne Hathaway in Something Rotten!: Few people remember that before The Princess Diaries, Anne Hathaway was simply the name of William Shakespeare’s wife. Not a word is spoken about Anne Hathaway in Something Rotten! and my only guess as to why not, is because Audra was unavailable. Can’t you just picture her belting out a hauntingly tragic and soaring act two ballad where she struggles with whether or not to stay with Shakespeare because he’s a major douche? Ugh. Just give her the Tony now.

6.) Harvey Weinstein in Finding Neverland: If Audra were playing Harvey Weinstein this entire time, things would have been much different.

27 Facts You Didn’t Know About the 2015 TONY AWARDS


1.) Kristin Chenowerth is hosting.

2.) Kristin Chenowerth was in Wicked

3.) I like Wicked.

4.) I also like the Tonys.

5.) Except when Wicked lost.


7.) Congratulations, Hand to God.

8.) because of a lack of expertise among Tony voters in assessing elements such as “words,” they have decided to eliminate Best Book.

9.) Audra has three 2015 Tony Awards.

10.) The Tonys were named after Antoinette Perry, grandmother of Katy Perry.

11.) Katy Perry does not have a Tony.

12.) Yet.

13.) Hamilton won.

87.) Because it was based on Wicked.

14.) and Wicked always wins.

14b.) Except in 2004.

32.) When it lost.

15.) To PUPPETS.

16.) because a lot of Tony voters get confused paying attention in theaters, they have decided to eliminate winners.

16.) Does this dress make me look fat Ana Wintour

17.) I will be at the Tony Awards.

18.) or will I…?

43.) Tony Danza.

19.) If An American in Paris wins it’ll be the 14th time the Gershwins have won a Tony for best musical since dying.

20.) I would die for a Tony.

21.) You could murder me right now in Shubert Alley in front of the Matilda lottery.

22.) What I Did for Love.

23.) ugh that chorus line documentary

44.) because most of the Tony voters forgot to see the shows, they have decided to eliminate YOU.

24.) Let’s talk about the ELEVEN YEAR OLD WHO IS NOMINATED.

25.) jk im not a monster.

26.) but really it makes me feel bad about myself.

26.) And Fat.

27.) guys remember Serial


The 2015 Annoying Actor Friend Commencement Address


I am tremendously #grateful to be here today addressing the graduating theatre class of 2015, who are only a heartbeat away from taking a job away from me.

You will never be as young as you are now. You are new. You aren’t jaded. You are undiscovered. You are a question mark in the theatrical landscape. Basically, you haven’t fucked up yet. People are going to tell you how young you are, and you’re probably going to take offense to that. Like, they don’t think you “get it.” Honestly? You won’t get it. I didn’t get it, and I wasted a lot of time thinking I did. I still don’t get it. Embrace the fact that you’ll be smarter next year and allow yourself to be the age you are at this moment. Also, be happy Spring Awakening isn’t a thing right now, and you’re not going to move to New York fresh-faced to find out you’re too old.

Take the work seriously. Not yourself. Especially at auditions. You will question every move, every beat, every note. You will tell yourself you might have gotten a callback if you wore a different blouse, or didn’t stumble over that line on the second page, or had enough time to pump the biceps before you put on that tank top. Maybe you should have given the accompanist clearer directions, or had a better hair day, or an extra cup of Throat Coat. SPOILER ALERT: Nobody has ever lost out on a role because of any of those things.

You will spend the majority of your career wondering, “What if?” without truly understanding that it isn’t about you. It’s because you weren’t Equity, or you were Equity. Or you weren’t tall enough, ethnic enough, specific enough. It’s never because you didn’t want it enough. It’s because you weren’t what they wanted to see when they closed their eyes.

Rejection is hard. Ignoring it is harder. However, the amount of stars and planets that have to align for you to book a job are often so vast that you might as well break into an ugly-cry every single time you lose the Power Ball or the Today Tix Hamilton lottery — although the latter was definitely grounds for some to reach the same daily level of depression one might fall victim to after forty-seven callbacks and no feedback. Don’t make it personal. Nobody is judging you. Except maybe that one girl in the back corner of the studio, because that bitch is always judging.

Never lose your discipline. After today, you will be making the schedule. The only person docking your grade for missing a vocal coaching is you. So, like, keep doing the shit you just paid all that money for and don’t let any of it go to waste. Seriously, your class’ tuition alone could make up the missing cash needed to produce Rebecca. Don’t be like Rebecca. Actually? Fuck it. Have the determination of Rebecca, the reckless abandon of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark, and the idealism of that, “I’m in tech,” line from Smash.

I know. You’re probably like, “Those were all disasters.” And that may be a possibility, but you know what? They dared to be bold. Whenever someone valiantly hurtles themselves into the unknown there’s a small chance they might become The Book of Mormon.

You’re going to meet Rachel Berrys and Karen Cartwrights and people who seem like everything came really easily for them. In most cases it probably did, but you have to remember that that’s their story and we don’t really know it. What’s your story going to be? Whatever it is, make sure it’s good and not something you would only watch if you got a comp ticket.

It’s time to go forth and spread your gift. Live your life like a final callback for the creative team, but never let the creative team stop you from living your life.



(An earlier version of this commencement address was published on May 21st, 2014, and I only slightly updated it because guys I’m really busy but more so just lazy.)